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Access Denied: Humans Defective

2010-05-01T11:04:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! Check out this great new podcast Access Denied: Humans Defective!

http://www.facebook.com/jenbarbahen?v=box_3&ref=profile#!/pages/Access-Denied-Humans-Defective/117368521620513?ref=ts

What Up Bizzo's!

2009-07-17T21:27:00.003-05:00

Wow...I can't believe how freaking long its been since I have blogged. Facebook has become a serious addiction...and I don't know how to stop...at least it's not ghetto ass MySpace!

Merry Fucking Christmas!

2008-12-23T20:34:00.003-06:00

Well fuck me....it's been a long long time. I just wanted to drop in and wish you all a very Merry Christmas or Hanukka....and a Happy New Year! I have a TON of bitching all saved up.....maybe I will blog again soon and vent my frustrations. I miss ya'll!

Seether Is Sexy!

2008-05-21T11:32:00.003-05:00

Hey folks! Long time...is everyone still out there? I thought that my month plus hiatus was long enough.
I went to a Seether concert last night at The Vic with my girl Sarah, and had a blast! I fell in absolute love with Seether a couple months ago and they put on a fan-fucking-tastic concert. I kind of felt like I belonged more with the "mom" crowd there, you know, the parents that chaperon their younger kids and stay in the back. The average age was probably 20 so I wasn't too much of an ol' bag, but still...felt a bit old. Also, most of the fan base is grungy un-showered nastiness...so I was way over-clean for this event, I should have opted for the week long shower strike so I could be stinky enough to mosh with the "bad-ass" dudes in front of the stage.

This was the song I was most looking forward to hear, but wasn't played....

Will You Lick it???

2008-02-19T15:48:00.002-06:00

This Welch's ad is running in People magazines and is really kind of inventive. I saw it and I was like, hmmm, gross...should I lick the paper to taste it? Then I was thinking that someone may have licked it before me, like my mailman...and I DO NOT want to spit swap with my mailman...no offence man, but you are rank! So, since it was sealed and I saw no sign of foul play, I peeled off the taste strip and stuck my tongue out....and....it tasted like rotten grape flavored taint! If that is what Welch's tastes like...I am all set!

Stupid Holiday!

2008-02-14T12:30:00.001-06:00

One of the most ridiculous made-up holidays is being celebrated today. So Happy Valentine's Day ya'll!

Auto Show -- Mohawk!

2008-02-13T12:13:00.002-06:00

Donovan LOVES cars...so we decided it would be fun to take him to the Chicago Auto Show last weekend. Well Donovan had great fun climbing into the cars and pretend driving! He LOVED showing off his new mohawk to everyone...and everyone loved his mohawk. Several random stangers even asked if they could take pictures of him.

Choke It Down Paris!

2008-02-06T13:59:00.000-06:00

It's a slice of pizza Paris...not a cock...you can chew instead of trying to deep throat it!

Oops!

2008-02-01T14:39:00.000-06:00

I consider myself a smart girl, I have common sense and I am fairly well educated. However, there are times that I just feel like a fuckard-moron that just fell off the short bus without a helmet on. Now, I am not completely to blame for this...well, I probably am, but I am so going to blame this one on the spell check function in my Outlook email.

I was sending a reply to a secretary at work the other day and this is what it was supposed to say....

Kathy,

I apoligize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Blah blah blah blah....

Thanks,

Jenny

Now this is the actual email that got sent....

Kathy,

I apoligize for any incontinence this may have caused you. Blah blah blah blah....

Thanks,

Jenny

I was more than a little embarrased by the email, but still found it to be completely hilarious after I read and reread the email to all of my co-workers. At least I can laugh at myself...and the secretary didn't mind either...she knows I am not to blame for her incontinence!

Sweet Ass!

2008-01-30T11:55:00.000-06:00

Some Catholics are upset by this advertisment that is running for a local Boston health club. I quite like it and I don't see the nuns complaining!

When Bugs Fuck!

2007-12-27T12:41:00.000-06:00

This poster is the French attempt for an AIDS awareness campaign. I don't really get the connection between giant insects and AIDS. Is the poster trying to say that insects are dirty so you shouldn't fuck them...especially giant insects that could sting off your pecker? When I think of AIDS, I don't imagine a large arachnid licking me...do spiders even have tongues? And that scorpions pincher's make traditional nipple clamps look tame. So next time you fuck a large insect...wear a condom folks!

Happy Christmas!

2007-12-27T12:27:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas everybody! I know I am a few days late...but better late than never...right? I hope everyone had a really wonderful holiday and was able to relax and knock back a few glasses of spiked eggnog...mmmmmm!

I'm In The Mood to Wrestle!

2007-12-06T13:40:00.000-06:00

Spank My Toast!

2007-12-06T13:37:00.000-06:00

I have been such a bad bad blogger! I am bending over so all of you can give me a good right hard spanking!

Do you see anything in this piece of toast???

Who You Calling A "Ho Ho Ho"???

2007-11-26T17:10:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving is barely over and already the Christmas bullshit begins! A company that hires Santa's to work in shopping malls has advised its fake Santa employees not to use the word "ho."

Why???

Because "Ho, ho, ho" can be demeaning to women.

What???

An appropriate substitute is "ha, ha, ha." They must be fucking joking??? I am so fucking tired of all this PC bullshit! Why do these PC whore bags need to try and take the fun out of every-fucking-thing? Can't they just leave shit alone? The PC Police ruin every damn holiday, and piss the living shit out of me. All the PC fuckers say that Halloween fosters Satanism, disparages Wiccans and promotes tooth decay, Valentine's Day marginalizes singles, and Thanksgiving glorifies overindulgence and glosses over the ugly chapters of the Pilgrim-Indian story. Oh, fucking well! People enjoy the holidays, is that a fucking crime??? Christmas, by far, gets the most shit of all the holidays combined. All these fucked up rules and regulations about how, when, where and why Christmas should be celebrated so that no one gets offended, fuck that! If you don't fucking like it...too bad, fucking suck it up you bunch of whiny shit mongers! Santa fucking says, "Ho Ho Ho" NOT "Ha Ha Ha" and if I catch some idiot saying "Ha Ha Ha" in my presence...all they will want for Christmas is a body bag! Fuckers!

Vaginas???

2007-11-08T13:34:00.000-06:00

I have to apologize to all you dudes that had to look at that hot man ass for so long! So to make it up to you...here are pictures of vagina's!

I have been told that Georgia O'Keefe was not actually modeling her flower paintings after vagina's...but I think she was a carpet licking addict! You have to be crazy to not see the vagina resemblance!

Happy Halloweenie!!!

2007-10-31T17:03:00.000-05:00

The CIA is Following Me!

2007-10-29T12:34:00.000-05:00

I haven't had any really fun and interesting train stories for you all in a while and I thought that maybe my days of crazies, perverts and blind people were over. But no, don't worry, there was one this morning that tops the cake and takes the gold medal for insane train passenger of the year.

The woman gets on the crowded train, looking quite normal (her hair was a wreck, but whatever, we can't all be perfect) and starts yelling out, "They gots guns on me. Them CIA and FBI peoples be following me with GUNS!" Everyone on the train is staring at her while she walks up and down the isle yelling about, "Them cameras be everywhere, they watching us. They know what we's all looks like and they gots our picture. Them CIA mutha fuckas gots guns on all of us, they following me. I gonna get a law suit on them. They tried to kidnap me in my sleep, so I gonna sue 'em."

At this point a young hoodlum boy tells her to, "shut the hell up and sit yo fat ass down, you crazy ass bitch!" The woman gets right up in this man's face and starts yelling, "You one of them ain'tcha! You got a gun in your bag boy? Just try and kidnap me, I will sue you and get your money." It was hard for me to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud.

The woman went on and on and at every stop the train made, she would wave her hands towards window and say, "I know you see me! Hello CIA and FBI, I knows you watching me! I know you have guns pointed at me, but you can't shoot me cause I gonna sue you and get all yo money."

At the next stop, another young man gets on the train, he is dressed very nicely and looks like a really stand up citizen and the woman starts shrieking and screeching, "He's got a gun in his bag!" Now since the man just got on the train he doesn't know that she has been crazy like this since she got on, so he gets really nervous and keeps trying to tell her that he doesn't have a gun. Someone yells out to him, "The bitch is fucking nuts dude, relax, she is just insane and has been yelling like this for 20 minutes."

We get to the stop where the police department does security sweeps of the train with bomb dogs (they do this every single day at the same exact stop) and the conductor announces that, "We will be stopping momentarily for our routine security sweep." The woman losses it and goes balls to the wall crazy, she runs off the train screaming, "They gonna get me! Them got guns on me, America has guns on me." So of course the police dogs start barking like mad and the police officers go running after her and the train erupts in uproarious laughter. I couldn't stop laughing at this crazy woman!

I just wish I had a recorder so that I could have taped what that woman was saying. She said some other pretty funny shit, but I just couldn't remember it all. Now I know that I need to keep a recorder in my purse in case of incidents like this!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

What A Vain Bitch!

2007-10-25T11:22:00.000-05:00

Meet the lovely bride and groom!
Here's their wedding cake! A bit creepy, don't you think?
I wonder what she tastes like???
Probably tastes like a vain bitch!

Aphrodisiac???

2007-10-19T09:46:00.001-05:00

I have never understood the attraction to oysters. They are slimy, gritty and just gross looking, and that slurping sound that your mouth makes when the oyster slides in...barf! Oysters are one of the most popular aphrodisiacs, but I will take a pass? There is an oyster fest going on in Chicago today, right by my building, and I think I may vomit soon because of the smell of rotting sea creature wafting around.

I find it rather disturbing that many people think oysters are an aphrodisiac in part because of the resemblance they have to the vagina...I don't know about the rest of you girls, but my vagina doesn't look like that! Rhino horn is also an aphrodisiac, mostly because it resembles the penis, but I am not quite sure I would enjoy a penis that sharp and pointy!

My goal for today is to avoid Oyster Fest and the rotting vagina slime that is all over the street! I hope everyone has a great weekend...go get your rocks off with some rhino horn and oyster!

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: The word "aphrodisiac" came about when Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell and promptly gave birth to Eros. Because Aphrodite was said to be born from the sea, many types of seafood have reputations as aphrodisiacs.

No Hand Job's For Me!

2007-10-16T20:50:00.000-05:00

No more teasing...here's my gash!

Here's what my thumb looks like exactly one week after I sliced it! Needless to say...I have lost lots of income over the last week since my hand job sales have dramatically decreased. If only I was more coordinated with my left hand!

Woman & Money!

2007-10-16T13:12:00.000-05:00

I found this article today and at first I thought it was pretty sweet, but then when I thought about it a bit more...it really made me mad. Woman can be so hypocritical at times and not even realize it.

For the first time, women in their 20's are making more money than their male peers in Chicago and other big cities. These same women, also trying to date and find relationships, and their financial superiority doesn't always go over well with either sex in the dating scene. One woman said "I've come to the conclusion that if I have to pay for you, you ain't a man." As much as women strive for financial independence, convention often trumps feminism in the dating world, where the man still is expected to be the dominant, or at least equal, partner. Woman in their 20's are making about 7 percent more than their male counterparts in the Chicago area. After reading that fucking bitches quote...I wanted nothing more than to punch her teeth out. What an ignorant thing to say! That woman is embarrassing to vagina's everywhere!

"I want someone who wants to take trips to wine country," one woman said. She was complaining that her boyfriend at the time didn't make enough money to be able to afford that trip. Now this same woman would probably EXPECT that her boyfriend spend the money to take her if he was making more money. It's a double standard that woman hold that pisses me off. If you are in a relationship and you make more money, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to completely support that person, but woman should treat their man the same way that they would expect to be treated by a man. If woman truly want to be equal to men, then it's woman who need to drop the gender stereotypes and long standing expectations and bullshit and actually think about the things that they say and how that is perceived.

While the income gap usually doesn't harm established relationships...dating can be strained as women who can afford a certain lifestyle date men who can't. "We all have these gender expectations that are really about how people see themselves as effective men and effective women," she said. "When you have a pool of eligible men who are not doing as well as women, the men may feel they're not meeting the expectations and women might feel that way as well."

Here's my feelings...it shouldn't matter who makes more money in a relationship. Men need to get over their ego's and woman need to get over the "you're not a man if you make less money" attitude. Woman complain and bitch and moan and whine about how they are not treated as equals to men and all that feminist bullshit, but woman are the ones who need to drop the gender stereotypes...not men. Some woman make more money than some men...good for them, but don't complain when a man doesn't make as much money as you. Woman have been in the situation of getting paid less for the same job, now the tables have turned slightly...so why can't woman stop fucking bitching! Woman bitch if they don't make as much as men, woman bitch if they make more than men...so what the fuck will make woman happy??? If you want to be treated equally...then you need to expect that there may come a time that woman need to be the bread winners and financially support a man the way that they would expect to be supported if it were reversed.

I am a working mom, my fiance stays at home with our son. It works well and I can't stand this shit. I don't think that Don is any less of a man because he doesn't make as much money as me, in fact, he is doing a much nobler job than I, buy raising our son and being a positive and stable father figure in our sons life. I applaud men who make less than their woman, especially those who are taking the "less popular" road by being stay at home dads.

Wanna See My Gash???

2007-10-10T20:53:00.000-05:00

I had an interesting night yesterday...spent four hours in the emergency room getting the gash in my right thumb stitched up. We have a porcelain faucet knob in our shower and I went to turn it and the porcelain cracked and sliced my thumb right open. I have quite a lovely flap of skin hanging off and a deep deep laceration...all the way down to the bone! Hooray for me! The worst part of it all is the huge tennis ball size bump on the side of my head....I fainted! Now, I consider myself a real trooper and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but for whatever reason, fainting seems to be my weakness. In fact...I fainted twice last night...and it wasn't because of the pain! I have no idea what my problem is, I love watching medical shows, blood doesn't bother me, watching an autopsy is a lovely way to spend the evening and I would be a doctor if I liked people better, but I fucking faint! I suppose watching the blood squirt out of my gash to the rhythm of my heart beating was a bit much and I was out cold, clocked my head pretty good on the fucking floor. But you should all be so proud of me...not one tear rolled down my cheek and there was no screaming or whimpering like a bitch while they pulled back my skin flap and cleaned out the bloody laceration...in fact it was kind of cool to see what your thumb bone looks like! The worst part was the burning shots of lidocaine that they poke your open bloody wound with before you get your stitches put in. Don made the doctor write me a note saying that I should stay home from work today, otherwise, I would have gone in and worked. Not too sore, but a bit awkward. If I can recover from a shattered humours and a c-section...this gash is nothing! It's kind of exciting being a bit incapacitated...Don gets to do all the dishes for a while...and help me in the shower! Now did you boys actually think that I would show off my other gash???

People...

2007-10-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

The body of a 41-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself. Police said the roughly six-foot tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device. "I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

I kind of respect this man...and think it's kind of cool! If your gonna off yourself, you might as well do it with a bit of moxie, pizzazz and vivacity!
____________________________
Patricia Gabrysiak is an idiot! She needed a new sump pump, but she wound up taking a trip to the hospital with severe burns instead. A repairman left the pump and some supplies and also left three liquid-filled containers: a gallon water jug, a liter of water container and a bottle with a ginger ale label. Gabrysiak took a drink from one of the containers, discovering too late that it was filled with battery acid. She is suing the repairman who allegedly left the containers. The attorney for the repairman argues in court that Gabrysiak should not have been drinking from the containers when she didn't know what was in them. The supplies were left in the basement because the repairman intended to return and install the pump the next day.

Being stupid is NOT a reason to file a lawsuit! What a dumb bitch! Why the fuck would you drink something that a repairman left at your house...oh wait...I know why...because your a fucking retard...strike that...calling her retarded is giving her too much credit, she's fucking beyond words! Too bad we can't put her head in the guillotine!

Now That's How You Keister!

2007-10-04T13:23:00.000-05:00

Australian Customs Officers pulled Mr. Potato Head's butt flap off and found....ecstasy! I thought Mr. Potato Head had cleaned up his act after that embarrassing incident with the hooker's twat!

Poop

2007-10-03T13:01:00.000-05:00

What the fuck is wrong with people who feel it necessary to take dumps anywhere other than in a toilet. I guess there are the occasional "calls of nature" that force you to go wherever you are, however; taking a huge shit from the top of the stairs in the subway is not a good option. First of all, its a subway with no ventilation. It's hotter than hades down there and it's more humid than the rain forest. The air already smells like a fucking disgusting bum infested piss hole...adding a huge pile of steaming shit....DOES NOT HELP! Whoever you are that left that pile of shit in the subway, I hate you...and I want you to die a horrible, miserable death...slow with lots of suffering! And to the CTA employees that find it hilarious to stand around the pile of dung laughing and then walking away without cleaning it up and leaving it there for two days....I hate you...and I want to smear your lazy ass ugly fucking faces in that feces and make you eat it...then you won't think it's that funny! I sent an email complaint to the Chicago Public Health Department today, but I doubt anything will come of it. The subway is already a festering cesse pool of filth, why would this pile of shit change anything! Fuckers!

Look At Her Globes!

2007-10-02T12:25:00.000-05:00

Helen Da Silva of Brazil celebrates being crowned Miss Globe International 2007 in Tirana, Albania. Helen beat 40 other contestants at the beauty contest. Her tits look like someone cut a cantaloupe in half and shoved them under her skin, those things haven't even set yet! Miss Globe 2007 certainly has fake globes! I personally think Macedonia should have won...she is way hotter than Brazil!

Halloween's Coming!

2007-09-27T20:54:00.000-05:00

I think this man may need some help removing his dick from this ginormous pumpkin! I wonder if he mistook the pumpkin for his wife?

Childrens Do Learn?

2007-09-27T19:14:00.001-05:00

President Bush makes me feels smart!

Pleasure Party

2007-09-22T23:13:00.000-05:00

I went to my first Pleasure Party on Friday and I have to say that it was quite fun! So fun, in fact, that I am hosting my own next month. They have some pretty entertaining products, some are really cheesy or cheap, but most are good quality. I sprayed some pheromone perfume on and supposedly it is supposed to make men go crazy over me, but all it accomplished was getting me humped by my friends three dogs!

The group was a bit mixed and hearing stories of some of the other nasty woman's favorite sex toy...was not cool! I don't really want to picture these woman using these products because it makes them really unappealing. There were a few really "tough" chicks...the kind of chick you would not want to come face to face with in a dark alley...these bitches could have kicked my ass! They were drinking heavily and have been to a ton of these parties and have just about every product available. One woman told everyone that she, "needs a quite vibrator so that her kids don't hear me masturbating in the other room." Oh! Well, maybe she could wait until her kids went to sleep before she abuses her twat with some vibrator that requires a 9 volt battery! Another woman mentioned that her husband likes the Raging Bull vibrator because he can watch football while his wife sits on his dick. Hmmm, that sounds like the kind of sex I want! I think instead of spending all her money on vibrators, she needs to spend some time finding a new man...one that is actually interested in having sex with her! Although, if I was her husband...I wouldn't want my cock anywhere near her scary ass vagina...so I can't really fault him for wanting to watch football. I have been dabbling with the idea of becoming a party consultant as a part-time gig for extra cash, and this is for sure the most entertaining of the choices. I mentioned to the consultant that I thought having an all man Pleasure Party would pull in a lot of cash, but she disagreed with me and said that men would just laugh and giggle about everything and then not buy anything. Well, I still disagree with her "expertise"...I think if you had a Pleasure Party for all men, they would buy ALOT for their wives and girlfriends. I think that having a woman talking about different vibrators, lotions and other toys with a group of men would convince them to buy. What do you guys think? If I hosted a party like this that had all these fun sex toys and accessories would you buy stuff for your girlfriend or wife?

Can you guess which of the 3 items I purchased from the 4 pictures above?

Fucking Freegans!

2007-09-19T13:32:00.000-05:00

Freegans are a growing subculture that have opted out of capitalism by cutting spending habits and living off consumer waste...meaning these people fucking pick food out of garbage cans and eat it! Dumpster diving for furniture and bikes is one thing, but eating shit from dumpsters is another. I find this revolting and disgusting!
Madeline Nelson is paving the way for other Freegans by leading "Trash Tours" in New York. Freeganism was born out of environmental justice and anti-globalization movements from the 1980s. The concept was inspired in part by groups like "Food Not Bombs," an international organization that feeds the homeless with surplus food that's often donated by businesses. Madeline Nelson use to make a six-figure income before she quit her job...and now she is eating out of trash bins and making "gourmet" meals from scraps and not spending a cent.

This is NOT something that I would support, but if you want to eat garbage...go for it weirdos! I do think that we are a wasteful society, but I would not go so far as to forage for my meals. I will not be pulling a chair up to the garbage can and having Donovan "hunt" for his food anytime soon. I think Freegans should change their identity to Free-Loaders! Most of them, according to the article I read, live with parents or friends or in abandoned buildings and they don't work (unless absolutely necessary). So, what I am getting from all this is that the Freegan movement is a bunch of hippies that don't want to work for "The Man" so they free load off of friends, family and garbage.

Here's what I think that these fucking Freegans should do...they should work with grocery chains and have them put uncontaminated foods that are still edible, but would be trashed, to the side and have volunteer Freegans pick up the food and bring it to homeless shelters. I agree that tons of satisfactory food is thrown away every day, just because the peach is a bit bruised, doesn't make it inedible. If they would work out a system with the grocers and volunteer their time to picking up the food from the grocery stores instead of waiting till it hits the trash cans, they could salvage a lot more food and make it a lot less work by having to sort out the shit. They could feed loads more people by working WITH grocery stores instead of digging through the fucking trash. My guess is that the average self-proclaimed Freegan is too lazy to try and organize this sort of plan...that would take some actual work!

Fucking Freegans!

No Skanks Allowed!

2007-09-16T21:05:00.000-05:00

We have all heard about the fiasco between Southwest Airlines and the skanky dressed Kyla Ebberts, right? The controversy erupted in July after the hoochie mama was asked by an airline employee at San Diego International Airport to change her miniskirt, top and sweater or get off the plane. The hoodrat, a waitress at a Hooters, was allowed to stay on the flight to Tucson after pulling her skirt down a bit and her top up. The skeezer, pictured below, was allegedly wearing this outfit. I don't really see how that outfit was all that bad, she's not even showing cleavage, cooch on the other hand you can probably see plenty of. But honestly, if Southwest is going to ask her to change her outfit then they should ask all the trash to put on clean clothes and all the stink asses to put on deodorant before being allowed to fly. I know I would rather sit next to her trampy ass than some smelly ass BO stankin fat bastard. What I don't get is why someone would WANT to wear that little amount of clothes on the plane...I don't want my vagina even coming close to touching that dirty seat fabric!

She obviously wasn't the classiest girl on the plane, but I am guessing she didn't smell like rotting feces either! I think airlines should implement rules about people that smell. If you smell like a maggot infested taco...you should not be allowed. Having offensive body odor is much worse than looking like a two dollar hooker!

Here's a pictures of Southwest flight attendants uniforms awhile ago...hmmm, does that look similar to the skank's apparel to anyone else? This is the perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black! Southwest shamelessly marketing their airlines by having cute chicks scantily dressed and autographing posters of planes for horny teenage boys! I think that this girl below has less clothes on than Kyla Ebbert did...and she WORKS for Southwest!

My girls and I will be flying Southwest next summer to got to California for a wedding and we are all going to dress like hookers...we want to see if we can get kicked off the plane too! We can get free plane tickets out of it...so I think it's worth it!

Naughty Food!

2007-09-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

I made a deal with a friend of Loaf's that I would post pictures of me using a cucumber as a dildo...If I got to see his cucumber first! Well, below is what he sent...and I don't think it counts (still entertaining) but not enough for me!

I hope everyone has a fan-fucking-tastic weekend! I will hopefully get a chance to catch up with everyone...work has been busier than a gang-bang fluffer!

Spunk For Sale!

2007-09-10T20:26:00.000-05:00

I found this bottle containing a substance which looks suspiciously like splooge in a gift shop this weekend. Why would I pay nine dollars for baby batter when I can get it at home for free? I wonder how many men had to bust their nut to fill a 12oz bottle?Spunk rocks!

8 Legged Freaks and More!

2007-09-09T10:25:00.000-05:00

Lake Tawokoni State Park rangers Mike and Freddie monitor a rare, giant communal spider web at the park near Willis Point, Texas. Why are Mike and Freddie just standing there...they need to get a fucking broom and take the fucker down! Right outside my window at work are a colony of fat juicy spiders...nasty mofo's! They are so damn big...I have no idea how they can live that far up on a high rise. I would not want to be the window washers...I would for sure fall off while frantically screaming and swinging my arms around my head. Spiders that are fat and juicy make my skin crawl!
________________________________

One of my new co-workers is straight out of a Renaissance fair. She is creepy but not nearly as scary as creepy doll fucker was. This chick has a hard time with eye contact and kind of sways uncomfortably when your talking to her. She came running up to me on my second day and grabbed my arm and told me, "I have Kleenex!" I said (as nicely as possible), "Okay...good for you...I have Kleenex too!" She then told me that I could use her Kleenex anytime I wanted and I didn't need to even ask her....I could just grab one if I needed it! Wow...fantastic! How nice and weird of her! So, to give you all an idea of what she looks like...take a look at the picture below.

Nice right! Now imagine that girl but subtract about 4 cup sizes from the tits, add about 368 pounds, subtract two feet from the height and then chop of her head and add the face of a retarded mule. That's my new co-worker!
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Since I have so much time on my hands (I wish)....Loaf and I started a new blog dedicated to food and beverages. Food is the next best thing to sex...so why not have a blog about it! Take a look at our food porn at Carnal Cuisine! If you have any pictures of food that you have cooked that looks too good to eat...email them to me and we will post. Or if you have any good recipes that you would like to share...let us know!

Eye Trouble!

2007-09-05T20:13:00.000-05:00

Oh....finally I can breathe!

My first day at my new position was great...I love it! I am looking forward to training ending and me being on my own at the job. It will take about three weeks for me to get acclimated...but I am expecting that to go a bit quicker as I am catching on really quickly so far. I will try so hard to keep up with your blogs...but I may be shoddy for a few days! I miss you guys already! You all better miss me back!

A little conversation I had with a homeless man yesterday left me wanting to burn my eyes out. I was outside having a smoke break, talking on the phone to Don when a homeless dude came up and started digging through the ashtray for cigarette butts. I find it appalling that they do that, so I gave him a cigarette and in return he offered me a sip of his beer. His open can of beer! I told him, "No, I don't want any of your beer, thanks!" Don was still on the phone and telling me to, "move away from him." The homeless dude kept trying to shove his beer at me telling me to, "takes a sips miss!"I kept shaking my head, then hung up with Don...that was a mistake. The dude then went on to tell me that, "Ya gotz the mos beuful eyes I eva see." All the while staring me down...HARD! He went on and on about how, "yo eyes are lookin rights in my souls...yos breakin my heart, cuz yo eye be like pierce rights throw me." After I said, "thank you" about 15 times, he started to walk away saying that, "If I's stay looking at yo eyes any longa, I gonna propose to you. Yo breaking my heart, seeing in my soul like that!" I said, "Show me the ring!" Then, I shut my eyes, because I couldn't look at him any longer and walked away looking like a blind chick without her stick! Luckily I didn't embarrass myself by running into a tree, or someone.

Housekeeping!

2007-09-04T11:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry folks...but I got another two awards and two more tags! No need to congratulate me...I know I am special! If you so choose, you can skip all the way down to the bottom for a quick update on my day so far!

Thanks Mike M for giving me an award...it's about time dude...you get like 5 fucking awards every week...and FINALLY you have decided to pass one on to me! Just bustin your balls! Thank you very much! I am a nice person! Here's what Mike has to say about sweet little me...

"Jenny! has got to be the coolest "white chick" around. Even though she takes a hard line with the jerks on the train and the crazy ladies at the office, she has got a heart of gold. Some of her comments prove that. Sorry for calling you out Jenny!. You're just a nice person."

I got called out! I really am a nice person...just ask...hmmm...just ask...well, you all know I am nice...and if you say otherwise I might be forced to beat you into agreement!

Here comes my superficial mean person escaping...and I just can't stop it! This award is great...and I love awards...but it is SO not cute (apologies to whoever created it). Bows make me want to barf! But I will display it proudly anyway!

______________________________

The Creative Blogger Award is for everyone who participates in The Experiment II. Go check it out...there are some really great pictures there! _________________________

Rules for Tag #1:

1. Copy and paste the story below, and the rules, on your blog.

2. Find out who you're going to tag. (2-3 people, or more, if you wish)

3. Write one or two sentences to continue the story, and use the titles of the blogs you're tagging or any word(s) associated with them as keywords in the links you include in your part of the story.

4. Remember to tell your taggees that you've tagged them!

5. Feel free to use this and start your own viral link story. I'd very much appreciate a link back to Mother's Home if you do. (Or a tag, if you prefer!)

Once upon a time, after the evil stepmom had put up a Barbed wire fence around everything, the Empress came and shouted: "I've come to give you A little piece of me mind!" The evil stepmom, Shelby, came out to see what all the Rambling from this Crazy person was about. The cranky, evil stepmom watched in horror as the insane person began to parade around singing "A Boy Named Sue."It seemed like forever this insane person would sing and for miles he would parade, all the while twisting and dancing to the song.It was nothing short of sheer brilliance, though, this Empress, dancing like a wild monkey in an accordian store, waving goodbye to the evil (and I mean very evil) stepmom and heading off to her job as a Kelly Girl on a military base in South Carolina. It was there she was swept off her feet by Officer Gorgeous and signed up to be part of the USO.It was day by day living with Officer Gorgeous. They went to dances, watched movies, star-gazed, & drank their fountain drinks from the same glass. Then, her Mother, Sister, and Friend came along.....She hadn't seen them for years, and couldn't wait to introduce her new love to them. "This is Officer Gorgeous," she said. "He's really a misplaced midwesterner. We're crazy in love!""You must come all the way home with us!" her family cried.She countered their pleas by saying, "I can't go all the way back to Mayberry, Mom."Her brother stepped in and said, "Hey, while your Officer Gorgeous has been keeping your fires burning on the homefront, his wife -- yeah, I said wife -- is raising their screaming masses."Meanwhile the evil stepmom was back at the Evil Homestead with her slave boy Charles. Poor Charles struggled to break free and make a new life with Mebs mommy. Her name was Jenny!. Jenny had long flowing red hair, beautiful eyes and the mouth of a sailor on shore leave. Red hair? I think not, it's color is more like My Coffee of the Day...a rich brown! Jenny! wasn't interested in making a life with Charles, too bad for him...she was more in the mood for some special meat Loaf from Greg's General Store. Mmmm, it taste so good...and it's Cheaper Than A Happy Meal! After Jenny was sufficiently full...she was Feeling Stoopid and decided to visit The Man at the Pub and see if he had anymore Pointless Thoughts to share. After tossing back a few at The Fishbowl, My Vay-jay-jay started paining so I took The Cherry Ride back to Pookalookaville and my Nocturnal Tendancies took over and forced me to stop Living It Up and turn myself over to the Mattress Police who told me that Nothing Else Matters...it's just Another Day - Same Life!

________________________________

Rules for Tag #2 from Site Insights:

I already did this one...and right now I can't think of 8 new things! So, here's the link to the last one!

________________________

I am so busy at work today...it's nuts! It's my last day at my desk...then starting tomorrow I start my new position in the Conflicts department. I need to pack up all my shit and get it to my new desk and I haven't had a moment to do so! My boss feels it necessary to work my ass to the bone on my last day...no liquid lunch or anything! Bummer! She is also being quite the whinny picky bitch today...so thanks for making my last day working for you super special - fucker!

Assarella!

2007-09-02T23:07:00.001-05:00

My dog has such bad gas right now...so I may be brain dead by the time I am done writing this! I will be short and hopefully sweet!

Friday after work I ran into a friend from High School. She was one of my best friends throughout High School, but then she moved to L.A. and we kind of lost touch. It's fun running into people and seeing how things have changed so much but at the same time not at all. So, last night we had a mini-reunion at my house and played some games did some drinking...golly good times!

After playing Disney Scene-It...which I ruled in...we played Catch Phrase (my favorite game) and then started in on the sex talk. My sister and her boyfriend were there too so I happened to learn WAY more info that I care to know about my sisters sex life! After a half bottle of Riesling and a full bottle of Merlot...I was sufficiently buzzed enough to forget all the horrible sex things my sister shared! I did end up with a new nickname after last night though...Assarella...thanks J-Dawg AKA Dress Up Girl!

However, I think the nickname Assarella already belongs to this chick...so I need a new one...but Assarella is kind of catchy! What do you think my nick name should be?

The Battle!

2007-09-01T08:15:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else sick of rappers and hip-hop artists and all the fucked up drama that comes with it? The East coast vs. West coast crap, the shootings and the who's got the bigger dick childish rivalry! After all...their black...all their dicks are big, so why fight about it! I am not a rap fan...sorry J-Dawg...don't be mad, but Eminem...is a wigger!

The latest beef is between Kanye West and 50 Cent.

The two hip-hop stars new albums, 50 Cent's "Curtis" and Kanye West's "Graduation," are both released on September 11 and 50 Cent is so confident he will win the sales war he is willing to gamble his future. What future would that be? Being shot up at some seedy night club by some rival recording artist in hopes of become the next Tupac? Anything but that 50...we need you!

50 Cent said: "Let's raise the stakes. If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I'll no longer perform music. I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out any more solo albums. They would like to see Kanye West give me a problem because I've worked myself into a space where I've become the favorite. Everybody roots for the underdog when he goes against the favorite."

Since I am so not street enough to keep up the rapper lingo and slang...I am renaming the opponents. 50 Cent now is going to be called Half Dolla and Kanye West is now going to be called King Wuss.

Here's a news flash for Half Dolla...the world will not stop turning if you give up your solo career. I will not shed one single tear if you loose. Aside from the fact that I think you are hot as sin and a bad ass mofo...I don't much like you and quite frankly, I am a bit scared of you! I think your songs are catchy and all your references to bitches sucking your dick is kind of entertaining...but I won't die without them! I can make my own dick sucking references, thank you! Half Dolla...cut the beef bro and start trying to peddle more of your porn prosthetics! You are too cocky for your own good...you half witted piece of shit!

Here's my news flash for King Wuss...I hate you, you mother fucking ignorant bastard trash cunt! You make my skin crawl at the mention of your name. You are a piece of shit not worthy enough to wipe my ass. I hope Half Dolla's crew busts a cap in yo' ass! Your designer fucking suits don't hide the scum that you are on the inside and I hope you rot in hell sooner rather than later! Your such a pussy...you can act and talk all tough but I would bet you cry your sorry ass to sleep every night! I could beat your ass in seconds...not just because of my out of control hate rage for you...but because you are a fucking wuss!

So...guess who I want to win?

Kenny Chesney who's new album also comes out on September 11.

I don't like country music either...but I would rather see Kenny win over Half Dolla and King Wuss.

For Raffi and Forrest!

2007-08-31T16:30:00.000-05:00

This video is dedicated to Raffi!

And this video is dedicated to Forrest!

Fashion Faceoff

2007-08-31T10:20:00.000-05:00

I would not consider myself anything even close to fashionable! But I think I have enough fashion sense to not be caught dead in the decorative garbage bags below!

Who looks better in the dress? I think they all look like shit...It's like picking between fugly and fuglier!

I don't know who either of these girls are...but the one on the right looks retarded. Yellow...is not a good choice...looks like a sack of pissed on flour!

Bad acid trip!

Toga's should only be worn at frat houses and under the influence of kegs of beer! That dress would make it easy to choke them!
I have no words!
I bet they both paid a fortune for that potato sack!

Train wrecks must shop at the same store!
Carmen...I see your undies!
Yuck!
Frumpy yuck!

Yeah...more fucking yellow!

The only exception is Jenny McCarthy who will never be fugly in my book...she's hot! I love you Jenny!

Sit, Stay Home...Good Dog!

2007-08-30T09:11:00.000-05:00

The Chicago City Council's Committee on License and Consumer Protection unanimously approved a proposed ordinance that would permit restaurants to allow dogs accompanied by their owners in outdoor seating areas such as sidewalk cafes and patios. I am really on the fence with this and not sure how I feel. Part of me, as a dog owner myself, doesn't have a problem with it and could care less...but the other part of me is really annoyed.

The problem I'm having is that dogs are not humans...they do not get the same rights as humans do. Why can't people leave their damn dogs at home if they go out to eat? I certainly wouldn't take my two dogs to a restaurant with me...there dogs...they'll be okay at home with their kibble! I love my dogs...and they were my babies before I got a real baby...but they are dogs! If we allow dogs into outdoor cafes and restaurants...why not cats, gerbils, ferrets, birds, snakes and other pets? Is that discrimination against other pets...I think so...and I think the cats of Chicago should rally together and strike for equal opportunity! Somebody call the NAACP!

I guess the major problem is not with the dogs exactly...but with the owners. People are fucking ignorant. The last thing I want when I go out to eat is some yappy fucking rat dog yipping and jumping around. I don't want to eat next to Paris Hilton's fucking rats! I don't want to watch some cunt bitch making love to her dog! I don't want dog hair in my food or to smell rank ass dog breath while I am eating. I don't want some fucking dog's tail whipping my leg and I definitely don't want to smell or see dog piss and shit where I am eating! People are rude and will bring obnoxious dogs that constantly bark and they won't think twice about it and they won't clean up after them...it will get out of hand!

And what about people that are allergic to dogs? Yes, they have the choice to eat somewhere else...but what if that's their favorite restaurant? That's not fair to them! Now they can't eat there...because fucktards can't leave their "best friends" at home while they enjoy a meal! I think that's crap...and I think it's crap to say that those people allergic can just eat inside the restaurant then instead of sitting at the patio. So now dogs are taking precedence over humans? That's bullshit! Those allergic have to sit in the back of the restaurant so dog lovers can bring their damn dogs...someone go resurrect Rosa Parks...she's going to be pissed!

"The ordinance also would require that all dogs have proof of vaccinations and the animals would not be permitted to sit on a chair, table or counter. The dogs also would not be allowed to eat any food. In addition, on-duty employees could not touch the dogs and, if contact does occur, they would be required to wash their hands."

Yeah fucking right...those bullshit rules are going to be followed my ass! Are the wait staff going to check the vaccination records when they are seated? Are the Paris Hilton carbon copy bitches going to actually put their dogs on the ground and not in the chair next to them? Are people actually NOT going to feed their dogs the food? The answer is no...these rules are not going to be followed! And I sure as fuck wish you didn't have to tell someone in the food industry to wash their fucking hands...especially after touching dogs!

Well...now that I wrote my feelings down...I'm not on the fence anymore...I think this is bullshit! Dogs should not be allowed in restaurants! Take your dog to the fucking dog park...not a restaurant! Leave your damn dog at home people, trust me, your dog will fogive you! I think if people can bring their dogs...then I should be able to bring my five foot ball python!

Those that support this ordinance and that would bring their dogs to restaurants might say that their dogs are like their children and if parents can bring kids then why can't they bring their dogs? Well...let me answer that for you...one, dogs are not human and even if you love your dog its not a fucking child, and two, children shouldn't always be allowed in restaurants either! So leave your fucking dog home!

What do you think?

Two Meme's and One Award!

2007-08-29T10:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Akelamalu...I got another award! Thanks girly...I love it! So I can give it to one person...and that's kind of tricky...but Tyler Durden is my favorite newcomer and his blog is fantastically fucking hilarious!

Meme #1:

RULES: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

What is your name?

Jenny!

Four letter word:

Jizz

Junk

Juke

Vehicle:

Jaguar

TV Show:

Justice Files

Joe Millionaire

City:

Johannesburg

Juneau

Jackson Hole

Jakarta

Jamestown

Boy Name:

Jack

Girl Name:

Jill

Alcoholic Drink:

Jagermeister

Jizz...if the guy has been drinking heavily!

Occupation:

Juggler

Judge

Jockey

Jag off

Jizz master

Something you wear:

Jump suit

Jock strap

Celebrity:

Jenny McCarthy

Food:

Jelly

Jalapenos

Juicy Fruit Gum

Jizz

Something found in a bathroom:

Jizz

Juniper Bath Foam

Reason for Being late:

Jerking off

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jizz stains on your pants

Jaundice

Juicer accident

Jeans don't fit

Jackknifed truck or lorrie for you English!

Cartoon Character:

Jessica Rabbit

Something You Shout:

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

"Just get in the car!"

"Jumping gee wilikers!"

"Jimini cricket!"

"Jugs!"

Thanks Variant E for this tag...he was afraid of my answers...but how dirty and obscene can I get with these tame questions?

Meme #2:

Four jobs I have had or currently have in my life:

1. Legal Secretary

2. Conflicts Analyst as of September 5th!

3. Administrative Assistant

4. Teachers Assistant - AKA - Gopher Bitch

Four Countries I have been to in no particular order:

1. Thailand

2. Hong Kong

3. Greece

4. China

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Home/bed

2. Museum

3. Zoo

4. Movie Theatre watching SuperBad!

Four foods I like to eat:

1. Guacamole...and anything Mexican...Don included! Yum!

2. Mashed potatoes...or anything made of potatoes!

3. Cheese...anything except blue, swiss and other stinky cheese!

4. Meat!!!

Four heroes-past or present (this is really hard since I don't really think of people as heroes most of the time...so I will go with influential people that I respect immensely):

1. Richard M. Nixon

2. Alexander Graham Bell

3. Joan of Arc
4. Cleopatra

Four books I have read or are currently reading:

1. Ordinary Springs...currently reading.

2. Shadow of the Wind...great awesome fantastic book!

3. Three Strikes You're Dead...great Chicago Mobster mystery.

4. I don't know there are lots...just go to BAMF's if you really care...which I suspect most of you don't!

Four to Tag :

1. Loaf

2. Sarah

3. Jeanette

4. J Ford

Quiz Overload!

2007-08-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

I am addicted to taking quizzes and George had a fantastic link to Quiz Farm and I can't stop. Forget about crack...that's just whack...and forget about alcohol and gambling...I need a 12 step program for quizzes! Here are a few that I found particularly entertaining...a bit weird, but fun none the less!

You scored as Wrestling, A powerful and sometimes brutal fighting art that is practiced most prominently America. Uses grapples to overcome foes.

KickBoxing

100%

Tae Kwan Do

100%

Wrestling

100%

Kung Fu

83%

Judo

83%

Karate

67%

Aikaido

50%

Mantis

50%

Boxing

50%

Tang Soo Do

50%

Which fighting style is for you?

You scored as Popular Bitch,

Popular Bitch

Athletic Tomboy

Slut

Nerdy Girl

Goth

Preppy Girl

Loser

Hippy

What type of girl are you?!!

You scored as Violent, You are violent. To you there is nothing better than a good spank. You like scratching and biting 'cause that's what people are for.

Hot

Violent

Exciting

Wet

Soft

Awkward

Sweet

Shy

What is your sexual style?

You scored as Biting, When it comes to being kinky, your biggest turn on is biting. You love the ectasy of teeth sinking into your flesh, and are probably willing to return the favor. Sex just isn't sex without using your teeth.

Biting

100%

Whips

92%

Bondage

92%

Chains/Handcuffs

83%

Blind Folds

58%

Blood

50%

What's Your Kinky Turn On?

Brad and Familia!

2007-08-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

Brad Pitt treats son Maddox to a New York City delicacy – street dogs! Poor Maddox does not look impressed and I bet he is wondering what kind of meat comes out of a metal box on the street and what that awful smell is! It looks like he may toss his cookies before the dog hits his hand!
Angelina Jolie, daughter Zahara and son Pax and Maddox join Brad Pitt in New York City. Where the fuck is Shiloh? The only biological child that Brad and Angelina have and they don't bring her with? And when the fuck did they adopt Pax??? Do they have any more children that I should know about? I wonder if Brad would like to adopt a 26 year old secretary from Chicago?

Schmooze King

2007-08-24T09:47:00.000-05:00

Don is good at schmoozing, well not just good at it...he is the schmooze master, he wrote the book on schmoozing. He can talk people into giving him free shit...even dudes (not always gay either), like at Starbucks...he gets fucking free drinks all the damn time. I can show some tit and I still have to pay for it! Bastards!

Anyway...Don and Donovan went for a walk yesterday to go and watch the diggers and dump trucks at a construction site close by. Donovan fucking LOVES trucks, cars, diggers, motorcycles and basically anything with wheels and made of metal...such a manly boy! I don't know and don't want to know, what Don did or said to schmoose the construction workers, but they let little D sit in the big digger and touch the buttons and stand in the scoop...Don also got the construction dude's to take a picture of the two of them!

I really can't imagine what kind of schmooze tactics Don put into play here, but look at the cute pictures he got...so good work schmoozing Donnie...and baby...why are you walking all funny?

Doppelganger???

2007-08-23T09:24:00.000-05:00

There's a fun game going on over at Sunshine's place

to see who can match the doppelganger to the bloggers!

Since I have no clue who my doppelganger is,

she sent me to this website to find out.

I used my profile picture and here are my results.

Krista Allen

No clue who she was, but found out that she dated George Clooney (barf, I hate Clooney) and she was on Baywatch for 27 episodes! She's also been in a ton of sitcoms, but only walk on rolls or one episode, so not anybody truly famous...the only reason people know who she is, is because she fucked Clooney.

Kristanna Loken

She is a model and actress, not a very good one though. She starred in Terminator 3 which is probably her most acclaimed role...and she was also the main character in the fucking horrible ass movie Blood Rayne...if you haven't seen it...your lucky! Meat Loaf was also in Blood Rayne...need I say more?

Aishwariya Rai

Never heard of her before, but apparently she is some well known Indian actress also known as The Queen of Bollywood. She is going to be in The Pink Panther 2...um, wow, she must be REALLY great then!

Alley Baggett

Don't know her either, but my guess was that she's a porn star or a transvestite...or both. I was close, she's a Playboy Playmate and her measurements are: 34C-23-33. She stared in Playboy: Girls of Hooters (1994) and Howard Stern's Private Parts. What a girl!

Shirley Manson

The lead singer of Garbage...that website must me joking! If I looked like her I would hang myself. She looks like the product of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). She is one scary ass bitch and there is no way I look like her! Please tell me I don't look like her?

Gemma Ward

Perhaps worse than Shirley Manson, this little lovely got selected as a match for me! The Australian model and actress hasn't done much of anything....her favorite dogs are cocker spaniels though...oh goodie! She looks like she has down syndrome for fucks sake!

What do you all think? I don't think I look like any of them!

I'm Creeped Out!

2007-08-22T13:55:00.000-05:00

I found out some interesting information about a fellow secretary yesterday that really disturbed me...I am seriously afraid of this woman now and don't ever want her to come near me or look at me ever!

Since I am being moved to a different department, the Firm needs to reassign my current assignments before my transition can be made. Yesterday one of my assignments was moved to this creepy secretary...since I can't give you her name...I will call her Creepy Fucker...and I had to go down and give her some information about her new assignment and some materials. I went down, approached her with a smile, introduced myself and told her my purpose for bothering her, intense personal conversation with Creepy Fucker II, was to give her much needed info for her new assignment. She was less than thrilled at having me, a relative newcomer to the Firm, giving her directions/suggestions. Creepy Fucker just nodded at me, and basically ignored me...too bad for her because that new assignment of hers has some complicated tasks that she needs to be very detailed about and if...or rather when...she fucks it up...she will get her ass chewed out and handed to her....hmmm, too bad she didn't listen to me!

So when I come back to my desk my boss asks me, "So, did you see any of the pictures on her desk?" I replied, "No." She immediately started busting her gut laughing and snorting and keeling over from hyperventilating. I was thinking...what the fuck? When she finally calmed down, I asked her what the fuck was so funny and apparently Creepy Fucker is a grade A certifiable fucking doll freak! She has a collection of dolls that are child sized, like 9 or 10 year old child size, and she takes pictures of them, with them, hires professional photographers to take pictures of them. Now, that alone is a bit creepy to me, but there's more! She takes these dolls on vacation with her...that's right on VACATION! She packs them up and ships them to where ever she is going, then unpacks them, poses them and takes pictures. She apparently went to the beach this summer and took her dolls to the beach with her. She passes these pictures out to her friends in the Firm and thinks that this is normal behavior. I was in tears because I was so creeped out by this...I was just feet from this creepy freak fucker and she could have touched me with her pervy hands!

I am so fucking disturbed by this...that is NOT NORMAL people! Dolls are already a bit freakish to me...but what the fuck is wrong with this lady?

Booger Eater!

2007-08-22T10:42:00.000-05:00

Do you think this kid was trying to eat his boogers?

Poor kid...maybe now he won't run with forks again!

Umbrella...ella ella hey!

2007-08-21T21:24:00.000-05:00

Dyck!! has requested that I stop using exclamation marks at the end of every sentence I write. That is so much harder than it sounds. I am addicted to ! marks and not using them is not going to be easy. I feel like plain periods just aren't effectively expressive enough for me. When I talk in real life, I talk with expression and feelings so that's why I use them when I write. Periods seem boring, lifeless, and monotone to me. So now, Dyck has challenged me to not use ! marks and I am up for the challenge! Oops! Dammit! Fuck.

Moving on...my pet peeve for the day is umbrellas...well, maybe not the actual umbrella itself, but the ignorant umbrella users. I hate carrying an umbrella or carrying anything extra, just like I hate wearing coats and jackets...I don't like being weighed down or restricted with shit. Working in the city has brought on all sorts of challenges, like walking the streets with ignorant ass pig-fucking dip shits. I don't think it's necessary to have an umbrella when it is barely raining, when it's pouring rain, fine...go ahead put up your umbrella, but when its not even misting...there is no fucking reason for an umbrella you cock mongers. People need to be realistic...it's rain water...not acid. People say it's because they don't want their hair or make-up to get ruined...um, it's fucking hair...It will be okay, and it could probably use a wash anyway after all the fucking AquaNet these fuckers use. I don't care about my hair getting wet, oh well, life goes on. It's the people who are so careless with their umbrellas that piss me off, they walk with no clue about the people around them. When they are stopped at a red light, they will whip the umbrella around, not caring who's eyes are going to be poked out. If you happen to be walking towards one, they will not hold it up a bit higher or even move over on the sidewalk to let you pass without having to duck out of the way. It's so obnoxious...I want to grab the umbrella out of their hands, tell them to bend over, and then stick it so far up their ignorant fat ass that it comes out their mouth!

So, here are my umbrella etiquette suggestions:

1. Unless its pouring rain, you don't need an umbrella...it's fucking water...your not going to melt...shit, the Wicked Witch of the West didn't even melt when water was poured on her.

2. Stop worrying about your hair...it looks like a family of rats set up residence in it anyway, and the water would actually help clean out the stench of old lady ass.

3. Don't wear tons of make-up and maybe it wouldn't run down your face and you wouldn't look like you just gave Bozo a deep throat hummer.

4. Be courteous of others around you...it's possible for you to lift the umbrella slightly on crowded streets in order for other pedestrians to walk past without having their eyes poked out.

5. Don't shake off the water from your umbrella when standing next to someone. People don't appreciate that and it makes them want to throttle you violently.

6. If you can't follow these rules, you can expect me to kick you in the back of the knees, hold you down by your neck and forcefully shove that umbrella where the sun don't shine.

And Rihanna...

I hate your fucking umbrella song...it sucks P. Diddy's syphillis infested dick.

End rant.

Here's a fun quiz I found on someone's blog...What Book Are You?

You're Catch-22!
by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of people.

Take the Book Quiz.

I Need A Day Off!

2007-08-20T11:43:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking busy, aggravated and annoyed at work that I want to claw the eyes out of the next person that asks me a stupid fucking question or even opens their mouth in my prescence!

I hope everyone had a fan-fuckin-tastic weekend!

I will try to catch up with everyone soon!

You all better miss me!

Random Crap Again!

2007-08-18T15:10:00.000-05:00

Here are a few pictures that I took with my cell phone on Friday outside my building of Batman. The first one is the Batman dummy being hung outside my building and the dude on the crane was swinging him back and forth at the window.

This is Bruce Wayne's car, which was parked right outside...it was pretty bad ass although I couldn't tell you what kind of car it is. I was afraid to touch it because I thought the security guards might jump my ass. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Christian Bale drive off in the car!

Also the Chicago Air and Water Show is this weekend, and there is not a fucking chance in hell that I would to the lake front and watch. There are too many redneck fucktards for me, and I do not have any patience for large crowds full of ignorant cunts. But I did get to see the whole practice show on Friday from my office window. They do some pretty kick ass stuff, like draw hearts in the sky out of smoke and shit. The Blue Angels fly so close to our building that you can see into the cockpit. It also freaks the shit out of the birds and they end up flying into our windows...ha ha...dumb fucking birds!

I am bored as fuck...Don has tonsillitis and is acting like a bitch in heat. I don't do the sympathy thing very well, I do feel bad that he is miserable, but being sick and sore doesn't mean you forget where the garbage can is or how to flush a toilet!

We watched Wild Hogs and The Queen and neither were fantastic. Wild Hogs was cheesy, a bit stupid and not really all that worth seeing. I wouldn't watch this movie again, but it was decent. There were a few funny one-liners...but John Travolta and Tim Allen are kind of annoying.

The Queen was fantastic...great acting and very interesting. I am curious how close the movie is to actual events and reactions.

So, I could go on and on with other random shit, but I think I bored you all enough for today! I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, have some sex for me please!

I Was Eye Fucked!

2007-08-17T07:16:00.000-05:00

On my way home from work last night, I was severely eye fucked on the train! You know when you are being stared at so intently that you can feel their eyes peeling off your clothes? I was listening to my iPod (damn thing has caused so much trouble) and I think my major problem is eye contact that is attracting weirdos and perverts. I can't NOT look people in the eyes. In a city where most people stare at the ground when walking, I am always looking up, and into peoples eyes. I think eye contact is so important and it shows that you acknowledge their presence on this planet. I will flash the occasional smile, but I need to work on being less intense in the eye contact department in hopes that it will attract less weirdos!So, the person sits down directly in front of me, facing me and I do a little close lipped smile because they're looking at me. I return to scanning the ads on the train and then scanning the other passengers and end up returning to the person in front of me, who is starring me down with a grin on their face that says, "I just took your shirt off baby!" I meet their eyes and look away...creepy...I can still feel them staring. I begin to think that maybe I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something stuck in my teeth...but my mouth is closed and there's no booger. Yep...definitely being eye fucked! At this point I can literally feel my bra coming unhooked and my pants sliding off and feeling incredibly violated! I have never been eye fucked this severely before....this chick was relentless! The grin on her face made my labia curl up and try to hide so it didn't get eaten off!

Now, I know I'm a sexy bitch and all...but never have I been visually violated by a female before! She wasn't bad looking, but her hair was a hot mess and doing chicks is just not how I roll! It's almost more flattering to be eye fucked by a chick though, because girls are hypercritical of other females, whereas guys are like panting dogs for anything with tits, so it was nice to know that a chick would dig me...in case I ever give up cock!

Jealous Bitches!

2007-08-16T09:50:00.000-05:00

All of you have heard about my promotion...right? Well...the last two days have been fucking wickedly horrendous and irritating for me at work! Basically there is a lot of restructuring happening in the Firm and this is causing some widespread panic for some people. I was originally hired and took a secretarial spot immediately instead of floating first, four months ago, which is very uncommon and the other secretaries were a bit pissed off that I got a permanent spot right away and they have been floating for a very long time. It's not my fault that you suck and I rock! So there's a bit of resentment there directed towards me, and now I got a promotion and they are pissed about that too! They want to know why I got the position, and they have been there for years...blah blah blah! I am really tired of hearing how these secretaries have been "wronged" by the Firm and how it's not fair to them....GET A FUCKING CLUE...you are a terrible employee...why the fuck would you get a promotion! I have been here for 4 months and I am well know because of the paralegal and attorneys that I work directly for and the work product that I put out! I have been approached on several occasions by secretaries that tell me, "You are making the rest of us look bad!" I just smile and think..."no, you make yourselves look bad by being frigging morons!" I get complimented on my work quality and how prompt I am...my bosses seem amazed at how quickly I can finish a project. The other secretaries are expert procrastinators...they will leave a project and work on it slowly so that they appear busy all the time. I am the type of girl that would rather get my shit done immediately and then dick around the rest of the time. I am SO not a procrastinator! The other secretaries are incredibly stupid...and total fucking bitter miserable bitches...well, not all of them, but a big portion. They are also old as fuck and have worked here so long that they are scared as shit to be canned because they are basically unemployable anywhere else...not my fault!

I was in the break room today and overheard a conversation about me from two woman sitting in the corner, oblivious that I was in the room. They were talking about how they don't think I should be getting the position, and how there are other "more qualified" people for the job, that I am too new to the Firm to be getting a promotion and a raise, and wondering who I sucked off to get the job! I let them gas bag bitch for a few minutes, and then walked over to the table and said, "So, you heard I got the position in Conflicts? The interview process was really LONG and HARD!" They both simultaneously shit their pants, dropped their mouths open and stopped breathing. I just walked away! Fucking bitches and their shriveled up old twats!

All day long yesterday random secretaries were coming up to my desk and barking at me and being really rude and mean! It doesn't really bother me, but seriously people are so fucking mean...I keep to myself at work and only talk wiht a handful of people, I stay away from gossip circles and just do my job. They are so fucking mean!

I can deal with bitter bullshit coming from bitter secretaries...but my boss is really being a pain in the ass too. She was the one who fought for me to be placed as her secretary immediately, and she is very very particular about things and I keep her happy. She DOES NOT want me to leave and she is making it miserable for me now. She bitched me out this morning about how she misses her old secretary...she's dead by the way...that's how I got the job...no I didn't kill her! She has basically been a ragging bitch...and I was kind of done with all that, so I went into her office and asked her point blank, "Do you have a problem with me? Or is this just misdirected hostility from all of the restructuring?" Her reply was, "I am sooooo sorry (sob sob sob), I don't want to loose you as my secretary and end up with a fucking bitch who doesn't know what they are doing and they will screw up all the systems that you have and then make me miserable (sob sob sob)!" Fucking fantastic....my boss is balling her eyes out...and I just want to kick her for shitting on me all damn day! So we talked it out, she's happy about me getting a promotion, she just doesn't want to loose me...blah blah blah! She has been the most pleasant, complimentary, positive boss ever since! I love being drowned in lavish praise!

I just want to start my new job...so all the bitter, jealous crab apples will leave me alone!

___________________________________
Also, I made eye contact with Morgan Freeman yesterday morning in the building's lobby where they are shooting the new Batman movie! Cool beans! We all had to sign a contract stating something about how we can be filmed and they can use it without paying us...I was like sweet...can I get on Christian Bale's lap then! Then this morning, Morgan was outside my building smoking a cigar with one of the attorneys that I work with. The attorney waved at me, and so I walked up and said, "What up dog?" to Morgan...no, not really...I couldn't really speak at all, just nodded like a fucking idiot! But it was kind of cool, smoking with Morgan!

____________________________________

I guess Elvis died 30 years ago today or some shit...I don't like him or his music...and the secretary that sits behind me proclaimed that she will be playing non-stop Elvis today! FUCK ME!!! I take pity on the first secretary to come up to me today because she will be bitch slapped!

Wild Meat!

2007-08-15T10:20:00.000-05:00

You Are Chardonnay

Fresh, spirited, and classic - you have many facets to your personality. You can be sweet and light. Or deep and complex. You have a little bit of something to offer everyone... no wonder you're so popular. Approachable and never smug, you are easy to get to know (and love!).

Deep down you are: Dependable and modest

Your partying style: Understated and polite

Your company is enjoyed best with: Cold or wild meat*

What Kind of Wine Are You?

*Can someone tell me what wild meat is and why it enjoys my company???

Bum Issues!

2007-08-15T09:35:00.000-05:00

I love my iPod...but it didn't save me today from the smelly bum on the train! I thought that once I had an iPod my train troubles would be over...but no. This morning a dude sitting behind me tapped my shoulder (now I am going to have to burn my shirt) to ask me for money, now I can't just outright ignore people, that's just rude! I would rather just say "no" and have him be on his way instead of ignoring him. This man was a piece of work...he opened up the "money talk" by telling me these facts about himself:

A. He just got out of prison.

B. He smells.

C. He sleeps on the train.

D. He's can't get a gun.

E. He needs to get back to Kankakee and would like to acquire a gun before going back home.

I didn't give him any money, but told him to "get the fuck out of my face"...just kidding! I was very polite as I thought he might try to steal my brand new shiny iPod and trade it for a gun! He started crying, and at that point my patience and sympathy wore out and I was getting annoyed, irritated and nervous. There were plenty of people on the train...so I knew I would have backup in case there was a need for me to throw down. I flashed my best, "I am in desperate need of saving" look to a large man, who then proceeded to come up to the bum and asked him nicely, "to leave the young lady alone!" So thanks large man...for getting the bum off my ass!

My new strategy is going to be to tell everyone that bothers me to, "suck my dick"...thanks to the inspiration from the skank-nastiest hoodrat of them all....Lil Kim! She has got to be the most ghetto ass ho bitch of ALL time...but I like her...she's fantastically obscene and I love her lyrics...and I am pretty sure that she does have a dick that many a men would suck or rather be forced to suck! So, here's the song "Suck My Dick"...please listen!

It's either going to be telling people to suck my dick or fixing my make-up like this every morning and looking like a scary bitch!

What do you think will be more effective???

Speshul Blawger!!!

2007-08-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

Thanks Blog Portland...you make me feel so fucking speshul! Now, some people may be offended by this award...but not me! I love it! All those years of riding the short bus, eating glue and wearing a helmet has finally paid off!

I am going to pass on this award to my special friends that I think probably still run into walls, drool and piss themselves...

Feeling Stoopid

Matty's Meaty Cupboard

Rattle The Brain

Istanbul Tory

The Cherry Ride

And don't get your panties in a twist boys...I like being drooled on!

He he! New Job!

2007-08-14T12:27:00.000-05:00

Blonde jokes crack me up! I feel that I am a blonde at heart...Don would agree!

*A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know We're going at night!"

*A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

__________________________________

I got a new position with "The Firm" as a Conflicts Analyst and I am really excited about it! I get to hang up my secretary gig...and move on to bigger and better things! My new department is going to be a total change for me...I am going from a female dominated position to a male dominated position. I will be the only female on the Conflicts team and I think it will work out well. I do not get involved with all of the female work gossip and drama, I stay away from the circles of whores that sling shit at everyone. I don't like it...It's embarrasing being a woman because of the gossip, out of control emotions, and overall bitter bitchieness makes me crazy! It will be nice to work with men for a change! I also got the sweetest pimp ass desk ever! I have a window and a great view...unobstructed...it's the sweet spot!

Who wants to celebrate with me??? You buy me enough Jager shots I may even take my top off!!!

Chicken, Movies and Hooters!

2007-08-13T12:19:00.000-05:00

Found this somewhere, and thought it was hysterical! Now I have a taste for chicken! KFC is perhaps the nastiest fast food chain on the planet, and it's best to throw your food directly into the toilet and save yourself the trouble later!
Don and I watched TNMT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) this weekend, and I LOVED IT! I feel like a huge nerd, but it was a good movie. I thought the effects were better than Spiderman (which I HATED with a passion) and the story line was decent. Don is the biggest TNMT fan of all time, and because of that, I...by default, have become a fan. Don is into all the super dork things, kind of like Captain Corky, and I find myself enjoying most of the comic book movies and all things nerd! The voice of Raph was a bit too "tough guy New Yorker"...and was annoying, but I was pleasantly surprised that I didn't want to throw something at the TV when April was on screen because she was voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar (I can't stand her). So, if you liked Spiderman...which sucked Beast's hairy ass...then you should at least like TNMT.We also watched Disturbia...which was fan-fucking-tastic! I did not have very high expectations for this movie, it looked a bit cheesy in the previews, but I really enjoyed it. I think that Shia LaBeouf is pretty hot and he can act too! He was perfectly casted as the likable protagonist. I like movies that have very few characters and can still keep it interesting and intriguing. There wasn't excessive dialogue and it was well paced and had some well placed humor. It is a modernized remake of Rear Window by Alfred Hitchcock and they did a great job! I would highly recommend Distrubia!

This is only mildly funny...but I miss Hooters! Don worked there a few years ago (not has a waitress, but as a host...his tits aren't that big) and me and my girls would go and eat there all the time...they have the best fucking food...no joke...the tits and ass aren't always that thrilling...it's the food that keeps the place running! They also threw the best Christmas party of all times! Don...can we go to Hooters for dinner???

Rubber Ducky!

2007-08-10T15:15:00.001-05:00

A dump truck unloads 20,000 rubber duckies from the Columbus Drive Bridge into the Chicago River for the 2nd Annual Windy City Duck Derby.

This reminds me about a conversation we had last night at book club! We were talking about dildos and vibrators and proper techniques for keeping your toy in tip top shape. There are 7 members of BAMF's and one of them is our vibrator queen expert! I think we all have our area of expertise...and this is one where she excels...I can't name drop as I am pretty sure she will beat my skank ass!

So, what I learned last night is that you are not supposed to keep the batteries in your vibrator...your supposed to take them out after each use. Now that seems like a lot of work to me! She also let us know that some are water proof. Now, I may have not been seeing the big picture, but I was like, I don't think your supposed to stick the whole vibrator up your twat...the balls part is supposed to stay outside...so why would it need to be waterproof? Well, apparently there is a cute little ducky vibrator that you can take in the bath with you...

So I am taking the dumping of the rubber duckies and the vibe ducky conversation from last night as a sign that I need to get a duck of my own!

Birthday Update!

2007-08-10T13:41:00.001-05:00

My birthday so far...

* I have done NO work...zip, zero, nilch...NONE! But I am being paid to be here...SWEET!

* I went to Subway to get lunch...walked in and it smelled like a bums asshole! Totally disgusting! I walked up to the counter and told the nice man, "It smells like piss in here...that is really unappetizing!" His response, "That was the fucking homeless man that tries to get free bread. Here you have free sandwich...okay!" Me, "Fine, but I am NOT eating it here!"

* I found out that there is going to be some more movie filming taking place IN my building! How cool is that! They told us that the movie is "Rory's Last Kiss" and it's a disguise title to keep gawkers to a minimum. I thought the title sounded a bit amature pornish, but thanks to Don's research skills...I found out that it's the disguise title of the new Batman movie, "The Dark Knight"! I fucking love working downtown...especially when Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Gary Oldman, and Morgan Freeman might be in my building's lobby filming!

Birthday Suit Time!

2007-08-10T09:35:00.000-05:00

Every time it's some one's birthday...I always say something about their birthday suit...it's cheesy and lame...but that's just me! So, now it's my birthday suit day!

I am feeling a bit old...I found a gray hair a week or so ago...and pretty soon my tits will be touching my toes! My girls (Jeanette, Ashley and Sarah) took me out for birthday dinner last night to Lalo's, my favorite Mexican restaurant of all time! They make damn good margaritas...and we had plenty! I think that the table next to us got a bit sick of hearing the words, cum, blow job, cock and fuck! And I don't think the old guy in the stripped shirt appreciated us girls trying to convince (insert name) to fuck him! Below is proof that maybe we shouldn't have drank, however much we drank...I don't much remember! It was so much fun! I love my girls!

I love the backseat! Ashley and I took a few more pictures in the backseat (I am sure J-Dawg wanted to kill us)...but I think I will leave those off...as we don't really remember if it was cleavage or ass crack that the pictures are of!

I also got the most kick ass present of all from my girls...an iPod! It is the ONLY thing that I wanted...and I didn't expect it at all! It's so cute! Don stayed up last night and charged it, loaded it with plenty-o-songs so that it would be ready for me this morning for work! I love all the songs that Don added, but there are a few that I know he put on for himself...because he thinks he will be able to borrow it...little does he know that those little headphones will not be removed from my ears! By the way...are you ears supposed to hurt or am I pushing them in too far? So, I put my iPod on and my walk to the train was so much better, my train ride was better, and my walk to work was better! The only problem I encountered was with my self-control. I stepped onto the train, and of course a song that I LOVE to sing along with comes on...it was really hard to not sing out loud! So thanks girlie's...I love you!

Tonight, is BAMF's book club meeting...and I expect a cake Sarah!

Wienermobile!

2007-08-09T15:54:00.000-05:00

The big wiener got spanked by a pig!

The Oscar Mayer Wienermobile is not immune to fines, even though it's the biggest wiener around! I guess size doesn't get you out of parking tickets! The Wienermobile's license plate is "WEENR"...he he he! I wonder if the cop has a small dick and issued the ticket out of jealousy! The Wiener parked his buns illegally and almost got towed...I would like to see the size of that sausage truck! I just relish in the fact that the big wiener got his buns handed to him on a paper ticket by a cop that gave the drivers a good grilling!

Sorry, that was my poor attempt to be funny!

5 Questions!

2007-08-09T09:40:00.001-05:00

Brian In Oxford asked me 5 questions for some interview meme thingy!

* Leave me a comment saying you want five questions for you from me!

* You post the answers to my questions to you on your blog.

* Include these rules and offer to ask your commenter's questions.

1. Are you the kind of mom who's not afraid to wreck your kid's fun and make him cry if he's not behaving appropriately in public?

- I am the queen of wrecking fun! If he's acting like a shit...then he does not get to have fun. I am a mom who believes in limits, boundaries and consequences. Donovan does not run the show...well sometimes he does...but I DO NOT reward bad behavior. Donovan loves to go to Target, probably because he gets a new car toy every time we go, but when he acts up in the store...he gets to wait in the car with daddy until I'm finished shopping. Donovan is a bit spoiled at times, but the like the Rolling Stones song, "You can't always get what you want!"

2. When your book buddies get together, what percentage of the discussion is actually about the book you've read, versus having it untrack into regular chit-chat?

- My book club consists of my closest friends and we have been meeting every month for a year and a half. As of recently, we have spent more time discussing the book but most of our time is spent talking about other things. We have grown as a group and actually have discussions about authors, other books and we share other great books that we have read with each other. Our average meeting last about 5 hours and only about 1 hour (tops) is spent talking book talk. We actually talk a great deal about sex and things that are naughty and inappropriate. Sarah is our resident "expert" in all the lingo and definitions of dirty trombones, pearl necklaces, Cleveland steamer, dirty Sanchez, etc... We have two members who are a bit less "experienced" in the whole being inappropriate about sex so it's always fun when they talk about penis and things. We also play the game "fuck, marry or kill" and have a bit of fun!

3. Will you actually have lunch with Dan Mega any time soon there in Chi-town?

- Dan would like me to buy him lunch, but that's just not how I roll! I would meet him for lunch, but there would be NO hot make-out session included! I am a kept woman and he couldn't afford me anyway...sorry Dan! 4. What are you favorite beer, wine, and mixed drink?

- I hate beer...it taste like piss, but I do fancy the new Miller Chill - chelada style (which confuses me because "chelada" reminds me of enchiladas so every time I see that I want Mexican...but Don's there to satisfy my Mexican cravings.) I prefer wine, my favorite being Riesling, but I am not picky, I do enjoy a bottle...I mean glass...of Merlot. I hate champagne with a passion. I like mixed drinks, especially martinis.

5. I'm familiar with your disdain for Britney Spears. If you were alone with her for ten minutes, would you go right after her, or would you lull her into a false sense of comfort before unleashing your attacks, either verbal or other...?

- If I was alone with Brit for ten minutes it would be really hard to control my urge to bitch slap her immediately. But I would probably let her cry it out for about 7 minutes and gain her trust, and then when she least expects it, stab her in the neck and watch her bleed to death. Oh, that sounded very violent, so instead I would just haul off and bitch slap her hard across the face...well, that may not be enough as I am sure K-Fed has already done that and it didn't have an impact, so maybe let her be, take her kids back with me, raise them...and then when they are old enough, let them go back and beat her!

I Love Doritos!

2007-08-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I get a bit disappointed in myself for letting Donovan eat crap...like last night before bed he had a donut with his milk...yeah, I know not the best before bedtime snack! But I don't feel badly about it because he doesn't eat chocolate donuts before bed every night, he eats pretty well most of the time, so I can't really feel guilty about the occasional slip up. I especially don't feel guilty about that donut after hearing about the poster child for irresponsible parenting: Britney Spears and her fucked up parenting mishaps.

Between her mood swings and partying, the pop star is raising her toddlers, Jayden and Sean, in "chaos," says a family insider. Its been reported that she feeds them "total crap like Doritos and soda" and shoves a bottle of juice in Sean's mouth whenever he cries. One magazine showed an enlarged photo of the kids smile and it reveals brownish teeth, which led Brittany to ask an L.A. dentist if he would whiten Jayden and Sean's teeth! The dentist refused...duh! The kids prefer staying with their dad, Kevin Federline...so that is proof that it must be really really bad at Brit's place! And K-Fed has stepped up to the parenting plate..."He does not smoke pot around them." Atta boy, Kev! Thanks for being a stand up parent for your two butt-ugly boys! When are those kids going to be taken away? It's fucking sad! I hope they took out Brit's uterus during her c-section...and if not...then someone needs to sterilize that fucking cunt!

Now that chocolate donut for bedtime snack doesn't seem so bad, does it?

__________________________________

Evacutaion news:

The evacuation drill was yesterday and we beat last years time by a whole minute...how kick ass is that! I didn't even have to push anyone down the stairs...she fell on her own...I swear I didn't touch her!

Am I Insensitive?

2007-08-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

More than 100 people are confronting Chicago police after a teen was shot and killed Monday night. The 18 year old boy was coming out of a store when police approached him to ask him a few questions. The boy flashed a gun and ran. The officers pursued him, one officer shot him in the shoulder and he died. A loaded 9 mm semi-automatic weapon was recovered at the scene. The boy's family said, " he had been in jail a few times but that he did not deserve to be shot."

You may all find me insensitive after what I have to say, but so be it! I don't feel sorry for the ADULT...he is no boy...and I hate that the newspapers and media keep calling him a boy. A boy implies that he was young and not matured. This male is NO innocent boy! He was carrying a LOADED semi-automatic weapon and has been in jail before. Now, I don't think that anyone deserves to be shot...but give the fucking cops a break...he had a weapon, was resisting questioning, running from the scene. I also don't think that the police were attempting to kill him, but they weren't close enough to use a taser gun. Honestly...good riddance...one less criminal on the street! I wish people in the community could work with law enforcement instead of fighting with them. It pisses me off that people are in outrage about this shooting...fuck that! I am sure he would have been a model citizen...carrying a loaded weapon!

*** Maybe I am just really crabby because it is so fucking humid that I would shoot someone over a cool spot on the train!

Randomness!

2007-08-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

I watched Hot Fuzz this weekend and loved it! I don't know exactly why it was so funny, but one of the reasons is because the one guy said, "Because he's fuck ugly!" I love English actors and their accents...it makes the word 'fuck' so much funnier! I have a tendency to get the "out of control laugh till I cry" syndrome every now and again, and Don will replay the scene over and over and over again for me...till I am in tears, and on the verge of pissing myself.
The last movie that put me in tears was the two boys, Walker and Texas Ranger, in Talledega Nights. The video below is a collection of lines from the boys, its a bit long, but so fucking funny. There is something about little kids swearing and being all hard ass that gets me laughing.

We also watched The Black Dahlia, which I was super excited to see, but I was really disappointed. I was bored out of my fucking skull, but I think that is because I was also confused as fuck!

In non-related news....the bitch that is covering the desk for the girl behind me is pissing the shit out of me! She is so fucking dumb...and she talks on the phone non-stop...I hate listening to personal phone conversations all damn day...when I am actually trying to fucking work! I may just end up throwing my stapler at her fat fucking head or slamming her teeth in with the phone! I am so busy this week, I will try my damnedest to get around to all of your blogs...I miss you guys! Fucking work getting in the way of my blogging again!

Worst pick up line EVER...

Dude: How do you spell apologize?

Me: A-P-O-L-

Dude: Sweetheart, you don't need to apologize for those beautiful eyes!

Me: (Huffs loudly) Whatever!

What the fuck is wrong with men...and why do they think that using lines like that is smooth...they just look like fucktards...nothing attractive about that!

Another Award!

2007-08-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Heart of Darkness I got another freaking cool award! I really don't know what to do with myself...but I did promise a party when I got to five, so...does next Friday work for all of you?

I find this award entertaining because it's an award for individuality, yet the bar code is the same for everyone!

Here are my three choices to pass on the award to...

Beast

Mutley

Crushed

I think all three of you are wonderfully creative, inventive, innovative, unconventional, and nonconformist dudes!

I always look forward to reading your blogs!

Rant & Horns!

2007-08-04T21:18:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a bit pissy tonight, so I will rant in hopes that it will make me feel better!

Last night me and my girls went to the annual used book sale at a local school to get some books for super fucking cheap. Last years book sale was...interesting...but this year was much better! We go to the preview night, which means we pay $5 to get there first before everything gets picked through. My rant is going to be very similar to last years rant...but sorry...I have to.

The kids books are in boxes on the floor, with isles just big enough for two people standing butt to butt. The fucking hippy scum of the world decide that it's a great idea to bring their fucking gaggle of children with them. Now this event is popular, there are tons and tons of people and its hotter than fuck and people stink worse than cow ass...great place to bring the kids don't you think! People are also ruthless, they will jump in front of you to grab a book, push you to the side and get really fucking feisty!

So, moms with three rug rats will go over to the kids section, sit down in the isles, and start READING the books! The books are 50-FUCKING-CENTS...JUST BUY THE FUCKING BOOK! The mom's are letting the child block the isles, make a mess and read the books there...leave your kids at home...if you want them to look at books and decide which ones they like...go to the mother fucking library! But no, let's make a big fucking mess, block everyone else from looking at the kids books, and basically be a fucking pain in the ass over 50 cent books! I just get really annoyed with parents who find it necessary to be assholes and take their kids everywhere, this is a sale that should be adults only.

Some of the other people were nuts too...they were scanning the bar codes of every book trying to find some rare book worth shit tons of money....fucking crazy ass people! One guy was going through the soft-cover fiction/novel section with this scanner thing...and he picked up a clearly new looking book, scanned the back, and checked its value....you fucking dumbass...that book only has about 10 million other copies that can be found in any bookstore around the world! What a fucking idiot!

It's no surprise that I have very little patience for ignorance and stupidity, but I fucking hate people! Why can't people use common sense and deodorant!

Okay, rants over...I feel much better! On to cool shit!

Donovan started, on his own, throwing up the horns! It's the most kick ass thing ever...I have been trying to get a picture of it, but his metal horns have been elusive! I don't know where he picked this up, but he points to things with the horns and uses it very frequently now! I find it to be very cool! He's doing it a bit wrong since he doesn't hold his thumb down, but I have overlooked that since it's just too damn awesome!

They Better Bring It!

2007-08-02T12:13:00.001-05:00

I have been asked to be on the Evacuation Team at work and I accepted. I got this hideous bright orange hat, flashlight, whistle and some paperwork (should probably read that)! I am going to be a "Searcher", which means I get to search offices for people in the event of emergency and clear my area by putting sticky notes on the doors after making sure nobody is in that room. I am excited...I know it's weird that I am excited...but whatever!

One of the things that bothered me when I first started at this job was that on every floor the Evacuation Team displays their bright orange hats at their desks so that people know who is on the team...and ALL of them are fucking old ass hags! I was like, shit...if we have an emergency...how the fuck are they supposed to lead people...they can barely walk to use the potty! So I was more than excited to offer my services to the Evacuation Team and add a bit of youth!

I had to go to a meeting this morning about the whole evacuation thing and I am so ready to evacuate people! We watched some boring video and had some dude from the Chicago Fire Department come talk to all of us. As I looked around the room, half the old people on the team were already asleep and drooling...so I got a bit annoyed as it was clear that my building with over 1000 + people was going to have to be evacuated by me and me alone! Whatever...I can handle it...I have a loud aggressive voice!

The fire department guy told us that next week we are going to have our yearly drill that is mandatory for all high rise buildings in Chicago. He told us that last year our building came in second place for the fastest evacuation...how the fuck that happened with these old bags running it is beyond me! The first place building was the Sears Tower, whose occupancy is more than ours, they have larger floors and they are the biggest fucking building...so there is NO way they should be winning! I know this isn't a competition, but rather a way to prepare people in case there ever is an emergency, blah blah blah...but FUCK THAT...it's a competition to me! If we don't kick the Sears Tower's ass next week, I am going to be one sad defeated girl! I HATE to lose!

I am sure that after our drill next week my Evacuation Team hat, whistle, flashlight and paperwork will be taken away from me...I guess I really shouldn't yell at people to get off their fat fucking asses and move their shit before I push them...and I really am sorry about the handicapped lady that I rolled down the stairs...she was holding shit up and we need to win people!

I WILL NOT COME IN SECOND PLACE! You're going down Sears Tower!!!

I really hope none of my coworkers read my blog, because I am sure that they have already alerted the authorities to the psycho chick on the 45th floor!

FYI: I am retarded and put the wrong link to my sisters blog....so go check her out again at EmRocks..I promise it will be better than last time!

Three and Four!

2007-08-02T12:01:00.000-05:00

I got another two awards and it's my favorite color!

A big hug to The Diva's Thoughts and Crashdummie for passing along this award to me because..."Jenny's stories are funny as all get out! She also has the cutest little boy." and "Simply for being her! She is so refreshingly politically incorrect and says whatever it is on her mind. Just gotto love that attitude!"

I feel so very loved! So when I get one more award there will be a big party at my house, with wine, cake, assorted cheeses, guacamole, meat (of course), beer (I guess), and maybe if you are all really really good...a donkey show!

So here are my five Rockin' Girls!

Sarah - You are the reason that I have a blog. If it weren't for you...I would never have meet all these wonderfully awesome blog people! Thanks! You rock!

Ashley - You are a fucking great friend and you have the most wonderful sarcasm! You rock!

Kelly - You write posts that are fantastically entertaining! You spill your heart and are a brave soul! You rock!

ADW - You are the funniest female writer I have read and aren't afraid to kick dogs! You are a girl after my own heart! You rock!

Snowelf - You are a fantastic writer, great story teller and kick ass mom! You rock!

All you other bad ass chicks (you know who you are)...I love you too!!!

Since this is a girl power sort of post...please help me welcome a few new female bloggers:

Lucy...Visit her blog The Quest for Comic Stardom and get a good laugh! This girl is trying to break out into the standup comedy industry and needs our help!

and

Emily...Visit her blog EmRocks for no reason other than she's my little sister...and if you don't I will kick your ass!

Chicks Rule!

Morons!

2007-08-01T14:25:00.001-05:00

Gregory Despres arrived at the U.S.-Canada border carrying a chainsaw stained with what appeared to be blood, a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, and brass knuckles.

U.S. customs agents confiscated the weapons and then LET HIM IN the United States.

Is this a fucking joke...what kind of morons do we have working the border???
_______________________________

The new term ,vegansexual, was made up by a bunch of weirdo's after researching the lifestyles of 157 "cruelty-free consumers." They conducted interviews and found that many female respondents preferred to be intimate with other vegetarians and vegans rather than meat-eaters. Why? Because a meat-eater's body is "made up of animal carcasses."

Some other lady says that there's a correlation between what you eat and sexual pleasure, especially when it comes to vegans. "Vegans are the strictest of the group and they tend to be not only the strictest in dietary choices, but also in who they let into their lives," this lady says. "I see more vegan-vegan couples than I do vegetarians and flexitarians."

What the fuck is a flexitarian?

I fucking love meat!

I am tired of all this vegan crap! If you are a vegan, fine...I don't care what people eat and I don't criticize them for it...but don't tell me I am wrong for enjoying meat! I don't tell you that you are wrong for being a fucked up idiot! I hate people that try to shove shit down your throat because that is what they believe...it is a free fucking country....I will eat meat, and I will eat it in front of your fucking face! And I don't care! Deal!

Yum, cow is delicious!
These pictures are for all the vegans that want to criticize my lifestyle choices! It's my life, stay the fuck out of it!

Why We Fuck!

2007-08-01T09:48:00.000-05:00

I found this article and I thought it would be more appropriate to use fuck instead of mate...but whatever, I don't work for the New York Times. If you don't want to read the article, here's the basics...some psychologist dudes who, were severely overworked and severely undersexed, decided to study the motivations behind sex. What they came up with is 237 reasons for why people have sex.

Here are a few of my favorites:

“help me fall asleep”
“make my partner feel powerful”
“burn calories”
“return a favor”
“keep warm”
“hurt an enemy”
“change the topic of conversation”
“It seemed like good exercise”
“Someone dared me”
“to get rid of a headache”
“I was drunk”
“I wanted to feel closer to God”
"I wanted to express my love for the person”
“I was sexually aroused and wanted the release”
“It’s fun.”
“I was slumming.”
“the opportunity presented itself”
“the person demanded that I have sex.”

The 237 reasons were then broken down into 4 categories:

*Physical: “The person had beautiful eyes” or “a desirable body,” or “was good kisser” or “too physically attractive to resist.” Or “I wanted to achieve an orgasm.”

*Goal Attainment: “I wanted to even the score with a cheating partner” or “break up a rival’s relationship” or “make money” or “be popular.” Or “because of a bet.”

*Emotional: “I wanted to communicate at a deeper level” or “lift my partner’s spirits” or “say ‘Thank you.’ ” Or just because “the person was intelligent.”

*Insecurity: “I felt like it was my duty” or “I wanted to boost my self-esteem” or “It was the only way my partner would spend time with me.”

____________________________________________

I wish they did a study of motivations of why people DON'T have sex! Here's the thing that motivates me NOT to have sex...having Don say, "not tonight, my ass stinks!" or anything related to swamp ass, swaint, testickies or swalls!

Funny Shit!

2007-07-31T12:44:00.000-05:00

My personal favorite isn't pictured above...

I'm Proof My Mom Likes To Fuck!

Disturbed Rocks!

2007-07-31T11:40:00.001-05:00

I can't find it!

I am so frustrated!

I wanted to find my new favorite song to play for you guys, but You Tube sucks my ass and licks my balls so I can't find it! But anyway, I will just tell you (which I know is a lot more exciting). It's a song (don't know the name) by Disturbed that I can't stop listening too. I get really addicted to one song and listen over and over again! I know I am a bit behind the times, but Disturbed rocks!

Don is really good at finding artists and being really eclectic with music, but I am a stubborn bitch and will sometimes, flat out refuse to listen to his choice because I would prefer to listen to the Wicked soundtrack when we are in the car together! I like to listen to music that I can sing along with...and I know the way to get to know the lyrics is by listening...but sometimes I am not a good listener! I just want to sing! So last night, we were driving and I got to listen to three songs from Wicked and then Don got to listen to three songs from his mixed CD...and Disturbed came on...and I LOVED it! My sister has been a long time fan, and has asked me to go to repeated Disturbed concerts with her, and I turn her down...because, I don't know...I am an old bitty! But now...I really really really want to go! I made Don replay the song over and over...which he didn't mind since he can sing along too then!

Oh, and the lead singer of Disturbed...is fucking hot! That thing in his chin...cool as hell! The others could use a makeover!

The Award Virgin!

2007-07-30T09:51:00.001-05:00

It all started here...and thanks to Crushed By Ingsoc...I have been given my first award...ever! This award is for, "people that were exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to a monologue. These bloggers have all worked hard to build a reputation for themselves by commenting on other blogs, participating in blogging communities, replying to comments left on their blog and overall just doing their part to interact with other bloggers."

So, I looked up the definition of schmooze, because, honestly I wasn't sure...I thought perhaps it was similar to a brown noser or an ass kisser, but no...it means to chat idly, gossip, chatter, or chat casually and in a friendly way. Much better than brown noser!

I am truly honored to get this award, well, I would be honored to get any award...even if it was the "Most Abnoxious Blogger Award" or the "The Girl That Doesn't Shut Up Award". I am probably going to do this all wrong...but give me a break...I'm a fricking virgin here!

I am now supposed to give this award out to five other very deserving Schmoozer's! My goal in giving these awards out is to give them to people who are award virgins...I want to pop some cherries here people! I think that there are a ton of you out there that deserve this, and as I was going through my links trying to decide...it was hard (like right after a hot lap dance kind of hard)!
So here are my five...in alphabetical order!

1st - Yoda: You are so busy with school, new job and moving, but you still make time to post, comment and reply to all your comments. You are so funny and always manage to make me laugh! You are dedicated to your blog group and I respect that...you don't let it get so big that you can't keep up your close relationships with each person!

2nd - Raffi: You are so deep, and you truly inspire with your "flows", but you are a complete goof sometimes and I love it! I see you all over and you frequent blogs of all different venues. I love how you can go from deep thinking to tits and ass in an instant!

3rd - Christie: We are pretty new to each other, but I loved you instantly! You are great at thinking outside the box in your comments and always have the angle that I have forgotten. I always look forward to your comments and your posts are hilarious! Like my sister from another mister!

4th - Captain Corky: You are amazing at keeping a conversation going in comments, you are a new dad, but still so dedicated to your blog. You check out new blogs and stay true to your old blog buddies too. You are amazingly good at opening up opinion floodgates and being respectful and accepting.

5th - Mighty Dyckerson: You are crude and obnoxious, but I love you...you make a community out of your blog and your readers! We are all sucked in with your hilarious wit and your persistence of you trying to get into every female readers pants! You are a comment king!

*** So, if any of you five aren't virgins...I am going to feel tricked and taken advantage of tomorrow morning!

I also, got a second award today! So I guess not only am I not an Award Virgin anymore, but I have become the Award Whore! This award came from Mike...who thinks that I am an Inspirational Blogger! His reason behind giving me the award is, "Because she is the coolest blogger ever!" Well thanks, that was a great ego boost! I am really not very good at this giving out awards thing, because, like Mike, I find everyone inspiring in one way or another! I can't just pick and choose between you all! You all have a special place in my heart! You are all so different that it's hard to pick a few!

Dating Made Easy!

2007-07-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

My son is seriously the Big Mack Daddy of Flirt! He can pull more chicks than all of you male readers combined...well maybe not as many as Dyckerson...but seriously a close second! Here are Donovan's dating tactics...pay attention Yoda!

1st

You have to flash them a smile, get their attention! Make sure the chicks are watching you, but pretend like you don't notice them!

2nd

Sneak in a surprise kiss when they are least expecting it! They won't have enough time to fight you off and after...they will just want more!

3rd

Feed them, chicks dig that! It shows that you are a caring, sensitive man!

4th

Swoop in with another kiss...after sharing your snacks and hand feeding them...they won't be able to resist your persistence...and charm!

5th

Play it cool! Act like your the hunky piece of man that you are...and ignore them, looking for your next date!

There you go, you follow those quick and easy steps guys...and you are golden!

Photo Request

2007-07-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

Fever Dog asked if the caricature in my last post below "is that the only picture you have of you & Don?" Well, to answer your question...no...but we don't have any digital pictures of us and all the pictures we have are from an old skool camera. So, that got me digging around in all of my old pictures and I tried to take pictures of the pictures to show everyone!

This is Don...aka...Asshole Master...finally you all can put a face to the name!
I am thinking that I want to be blonde again, I haven't been blonde since before my son was born...it's my natural hair color now and I like it...but I miss being blonde! Now Don would all tell you that although I miss being blonde, I still have my blonde moments and I am a true blonde at heart!
Don't know what happened, I can barely use the camera as it is...but I thought it looked kind of bad ass!

This is a picture from Halloween....there are a few others, but I couldn't get them to turn out right! So, in a nut shell, I went to a Catholic High School (hence the skirts) and for Halloween one year we all decided to be slutty school girls...the guys too! We all dressed in the plaid skirts, white button down shirts (barely buttoned), and fishnets! When we were trick-or-treating...cars were honking...not at me...but at Don...he has a killer set of legs and with fishnets on...looked better than I did...needless to say, that was the last time I let him wear my skirt!

Around The House!

2007-07-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

I was really really bored today-the house is clean, the laundry's done, no where to go...so I decided to take some pictures of the things that I love about my house!

Now, I don't really LOVE this because clearly...I am OCD about cleaning and this is just not "organized" enough for me...but my son loves his train set, and I love that he loves it!

This is a caricature that was done a few years ago of Don and I...and it just cracks me up! My chin looks like an egg! Don's neck looks like some fucking freakish bird!

This is my refrigerator...and I love to fill it with pictures of Donovan...what else!

This is my nook...it is the most impractical space, but it fits this thing perfectly and what better way to waste space then to put up more pictures of Donovan. We found this dresser/table thing in the garbage...we hauled it's heavy fucking ass up to our second floor apartment. It's real wood and was in great condition...so I don't know who would throw that out!

This is the newest edition to our Asian influenced decorations! It's almost as big as Donovan and he's totally cool! We told Donovan that he wakes up at night and eats you if your not sleeping! So mean...but hey, it works!

This is a painting that I had done by some street artist (total tourist thing I know) in the Forbidden City when I was in Beijing.

This is my favorite depiction of Buddha...we have a lot of Buddha's in our house...and this is by far my favorite...he's totally smokin' a joint (what it really depicts is the mudra meaning, "I will come and lead you to heaven").

This is a silk, um....I don't know what it's called...but its hand made and made of real silk...it's pretty kick ass...and from Singapore!
And lastly...my favorite thing about my house...Donovan!

If you guys were good sports and actually read all the way to the end...I am sorry for boring you silly!

I Don't Need No Book!

2007-07-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

BAMF's is having a self-help themed meeting in two weeks...we all picked a book from a list put together by Sarah...so we could all help each other and read different books! Since I am not a fan of self-help and think that it is basically bullshit, I decided to pick a book that I thought would be mildly entertaining and also spark some interesting discussion topics at our meeting.

So, the book that I am reading is this...

And it is not even remotely entertaining! In fact, I find it boring and frustrating!

I would like to know who the fuck NEEDS this book? It's not like erotic literature and there aren't even that many pictures...so why does anyone need to read this? Are we that stupid that we can't figure out that the penis goes into the vagina or mouth...or on occasion...the ass? Are we that boring that we can't come up with our own sexual positions? Are we that dense that we can't figure out what our lover wants?

Basically Tantric sex is the joining of souls kind of stuff, like connection on a whole different level and Kama Sutra is positions that will increase your sexual energy...blah blah blah! I don't need to see Chakra colors to have a fucking orgasm!

It goes into lengthy detail on how to breath...um, ok...I can breath without instructions, in fact...it's all done automatically by my body...I don't even need to think about it! But breathing, according to this book, is the path to multiple orgasms and staying power for erections...weird...I thought that sex would sustain a boner and that multiple orgasms are achieved through touch...not breathing...shit, if I could orgasm while breathing...I wouldn't be allowed out of my house!

It talks about how massaging your partner is sexual...um, duh...touching and rubbing on someone sexual! That there are certain ways to touch your partner to make their sexual energy heighten to be blissful...my guess is that touching a penis will make it "heighten".

It also talks about all this connecting with your inner colors and blah blah blah....dudes and dudettes...its FUCKING...I don't need an instruction manual! And for sure I don't need to read about colors and what they represent...I don't care what color your car interior is...that ain't the point!

I guess I should be nicer, because maybe there are people out there that need instructions on how to use their privates...but really...isn't part of the fun of sex, figuring it all out, experimentation and uninhibited moments with the other person?

The book has a suggestion for all you males...make as much love as you want each week...but only ejaculate once every seven days! Ha ha ha...Tantric sex my ass...that is a serious case of blue balls!

The other obvious suggestion is that both people should experience an orgasm each love session and that it's important to please your lover...what the fuck...pleasure is the whole point of sex!!! The clitoris is the ONLY part of the human body that is designed specifically for pleasure...no purpose but pleasure, what a rough life for the clitoris! And men, if you can't make your woman cum...you shouldn't be having sex!

So, I am not going to recommend you read this book...unless you are a retard and don't know where you penis is!

Fuck Me!

2007-07-26T08:59:00.001-05:00

I know I complain alot about the public transportation and the homeless crazies on my blog...but seriously...it sucks! Why me??? What did I do in my past life that would require this kind of punishment...I must have been some slave driving queen bitch and now I am getting payback by having to ride the public train everyday! I hate it!

The train has a way of taking my mood from...happy and content...to...I want to stab someone in the neck and watch them bleed to death...in about 15 seconds. So, I get on the already crowded train and I have to stand, damn...no reading my book, and by the next stop the train is packed in air tight...I am basically straddling this sitting man's legs, while people just keep stuffing themselves in the car, pushing everyone closer and closer to each other. At this point the air conditioning is NOT working, every one's hot and sweaty, and personal space has become non-existent. Everyone was literally chest to chest, butt to butt with each other...they should hand out mints before you are allowed on the train...all the mouth breathers make me sick!!! A few stops later...people just keep shoving themselves on, even after the conductor announces that, "There's another train two stops behind, if you can't fit, you need to wait!" But everyone is so determined to pack themselves in that no one can wait! I would have gotten out and waited for the next train, but I was too far into the car to be able to even move, let alone scratch my own nose!

The next stop, a few people get off, and even more try to get on....this woman gets in my face and says, "Move back!" To which my reply was, "There isn't anywhere to move!" She says, "Well, people are trying to get on the train!" To which my reply was, "Well, people need to wait for the next train...there isn't any room!!!" She then puts her hands on my shoulders and shoves me backwards into the man directly behind me...and when I say shove, that actually means pushed me about 1/2 an inch in to the man behind me, since I was already literally on top of him. So, I said, "Keep you mother fucking hands off of me, you touch me again and I will turn your face into fucking hamburger!" I heard another man ask, "Should I push the emergency button?" My reply, "If this bitch puts her fucking hands on me again, you should call the morgue!"

So that ended the problem, and we all packed ourselves back into each other...and a few stops later...I feel the man behind me pitching a tent! He got a full fledged boner that was poking at my ass...oh...my...fucking...shit! He leaned into my ear and said, "Sorry...this is really embarrassing!" To which my reply was, "Uhhhhhhhhhh...it's okay." I know there are a million other things I could have said to him, but honestly, I would rather have someone's sausage in my ass then some cunt bitch putting her fucking hands on me like that!

I fucking HATE public transportation!

Anyway...Has anyone heard of or watched the show Love Me, Love My Doll??? No, well I think we should all tune in because these people are FUCKED UP and it makes for some really entertaining TV. I haven't actually seen the show, but I watch The Soup and it was one of the clips featured...basically the creep-show guy, that still lives with his parents, says, "I think the problem my dad has with my relationship with my doll is that...she isn't...actually...alive." Um, you fucking think! I think everyone on the show should be sterilized! I told that to Don and he said, "They fuck dolls, I don't think we need to worry about them reproducing!" Good point...but still...just in case...they should still be sterilized! The creep show guy also said this while describing his relationship with his doll, "At first is was just sex, sex, sex, but now, we just talk and we support and are there for each other." I was laughing so hard, I almost pissed myself...fucked up people provide the most fantastic entertainment!

I hope everyone has a great day! That dolls name is Jenny!

I Suck At Games

2007-07-25T13:40:00.000-05:00

Does everyone know the game Asshole?

Not the card game, but the one where you make a circle with your fingers (like the picture above) and try to get the other person to look at it...and then if they look, you can punch them! The trick to the game is that you need to be slick and sneaky...neither of which I am very good at! Knowing that I always loose at this game...I still start it! I am a glutton for being punched I guess, that or retarded...either one!

So, Don (the self professed ninja) is super fucking good at this game...he like, pummels my ass in this game! I can usually get two or three punches in before he gets all warmed up for me! He gets me so good sometimes that I will literally gasp at my error of looking...and then...wait to be punched.

So last night, I decided that it would be a good idea to play asshole with him...of course I don't ask if he wants to play, so he always falls for the first one...yeah me...I get to punch him! Then from there it is all downhill, I end up with sore arms and legs...he even tried to punch the bottom of my foot...now that is just not nice! And once you start the game, it's almost impossible to stop. I try and try and try to get him, but seriously he is like the Asshole Master..doesn't fall for my tricks! But I fall for all of his...I think I got punched maybe like 40 times before we ended the game!

I hate losing...I will try again tonight!

Dork Alert!

2007-07-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

Fuck...the dork comes out of me again...don't tell anyone please!

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was, "Damn...that guy's cool...he has like, ten light sabers!!!"

Drunk Whore Moron!

2007-07-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

A woman who tried to dance on the bar at a tavern is now suing the bar after she fell and shattered her ankle. She is seeking more than $50,000 in damages for her injuries at Samy's Bar and Grill in Joliet (white trash capital of Illinois). She fell while trying to climb up onto the bar and is suing Samy's for "allowing her to climb upon the bar without a step-stool, ladder or other device used for safety. They encouraged their patrons to dance on the bar -- they cajole them, they yell at them, but they fail to take any safety precautions whatsoever," said the woman's attorney. She completely shattered her right ankle. She has had three surgeries on her ankle after the injury and the attorney representing the bar and its owners, said the lawsuit was the first anyone at the bar had heard of the incident.

All I have to say is fucking whore moron! You gonna dance on the bar...you better not be so wasted that your skank ass falls off of it and busts your shit! Dumb bitch! You shouldn't be allowed to sue because you are stupid!

Sphincter Man

2007-07-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

I am a crazy homeless person magnet...but it makes for exciting times!

My train ride to work this morning was uneventful...my preference! But my walk to work prooved to be interesting! I was walking across the bridge to get to my office building and saw up ahead a ragged weirdo man jumping out at people right at the end of the bridge. It was too late to cross the street, so I walked on, preparing myself for his lunge at me that was inevitable. As I get closer, I start to smell that overpowering urine stench that often waifs off of the crazy homeless...taking a deep breath I march on...he jumps out...making me jump, even though I was expecting it...and yells, "I am sphincter man!" I couldn't help put spit out a loud bout of laughter as I walked away. I sat in my normal morning spot...just far enough away so that I couldn't smell piss anymore, but close enough that I could here him talking. He continued to jump out at people yelling about being the sphincter man, but added a chorus to go along while waiting for his next victim...it went like this, "My sphincter is brown, my sphincter is round, I am SHPINCTER MAN!"

I am a bit behind the times with movies lately, but Don and I watched Smokin' Aces yesterday and I fucking loved it. I haven't watched a movie in quite some time that I have loved this much. The cast was exceptional, except for Alicia Keys. I am in love with Jeremy Piven and Ryan Reynolds. I loved that the movie was funny, violent, and touching all at the same time!

But it does bring out a pet peeve of mine....crossover to acting from singing! Alicia Keys is far from an actress...even a mediocre one. Can't we leave the acting to actors...and have rappers and singers stop taking roles that would be better played by someone else! Movies that were ruined because of this: Queen of the Damned - staring Aaliyah...glad your dead...you suck! I can't stand this type of casting! There are numerous movies that have been ruined for me just by the appearance of crappy casted crossover fuckers! But I was able to get over Keys in Smokin' Aces...and loved it anyway! Highly recommend! The Tremor Brothers were rock on awesomely hilarious!

FYI: I posted a few more pictures at A Thousand Words!

Nice Ass!

2007-07-22T10:15:00.000-05:00

I love wine, it's my libation of choice! I am definitely not a connoisseur of wines by any means. I occasionally pick out a bottle of wine just by the coolness factor of the label! I found this one and loved it..and the wine was decent too...bonus boner!

Alarm Cock!

2007-07-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

Did y'all miss me yesterday???

Yeah, I didn't think so!

I was at a funeral for my son's great great grandmother - it was very cool to have 5 generations living at the same time, not something that happens all that often! Donovan was also born on her birthday, which is kind of freaky! It was a very nice funeral...if that's possible. I cried like a fricking blubbering idiot...and I wasn't even really sad about her passing. Now don't go and think that I am a cold hearted bitch, but I think I have a healthy outlook on death and realize that we can't always stop it, everything happens for a reason and we should accept that she's not suffering in her bodily form and has been released from her human form. But damn, I cry ALOT! I think I am more upset by seeing others crying and I know that they are sad, so I cry along with them. At one point, Don leaned over to me and said, "You realize that you are the only one crying!" Also, the priest officiating mass was Asian and said Lord like "rawrd"...and holy spirit like "rory spiwit". Very funny indeed, but totally inappropriate for me to be laughing in my head while he is praying and such!

I got to meet more of Don's family...the mobsters! Very exciting stuff! Don't know if every one's hip to the Chicago mob trials going on but over funeral lunch, a few were talking about how it's too bad so and so got ratted on, and did you see so and so in the papers. It was a bit creepy that the mob was at the table next to me...or not really the mob...but they are friends with the mob. I also noticed that Italians are a bit touchy-feely-rubby...almost got felt up by a few of them...have they no sense...we are at a funeral! Geez!

Donovan split my lip during the reception, and it bled a bit and it is now bruised and swollen! Thanks D! I love you too! Nothing like tasting blood at a funeral!

Jeanette's teacher said, "Alarm cock!" Instead of clock in her class last night...good thing I wasn't there because this is just the kind of immature thing needed to set me off into a laughing fit, the kind where I either end up peeing my pants (Don - not necessary to comment on me wetting myself - thanks!) or start choking ferociously!

2007-07-18T16:45:00.000-05:00

Visit A Thousand Words for a few new pictures!

Can I Adopt That Child...He Rocks!

2007-07-18T12:53:00.000-05:00

Why do babies get to do the things that we adults can only dream about doing?

It's not fair...

I want to punch Hillary!

The Best Birth Control Is Poo!

2007-07-18T11:54:00.001-05:00

Donovan is too young to know about birth control usage, so he takes measures into his own hands. He is desperate to not have any siblings and will do whatever it takes to ensure that he is the one and only! The last two nights he has been like a wild ass monkey at bedtime. We put him to bed at normal time, he is quite (faking it) for like 10 minutes before he starts yelling and jumping. We try to ignore him, but when his yelling and goofiness becomes bloody murder screaming - which I think our very close neighbors must enjoy - we need to go in his room and do the routine again.

Last night, he was bouncing and being happy, so we left him be. We sat on the balcony and then decided to take a shower, he was still jumping like a monkey, rocking his crib back and forth, spring action going on, but still a happy monkey...not the poo throwing monkey...at least not yet. We were enjoying our shower, getting all soaped up and such, when he starts screaming! I get out of our very nice warm, soapy shower to go attend to the child/beast that doesn't get that I am on birth control and no siblings will happen anytime soon! I open the door to his room and I am hit with a wave of shit stink. He jumped the shit right out of his ass! Damn gravity! I was gagging as I cleaned his ass and the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby or even partake in the fun of making a baby.

He seemed victorious...but no...I sprayed perfume directly up my nose and tried to wipe the poo out of my mind. In the end...we were victorious!

I found the picture below while searching for a funny picture to add to the post...and this just ended up pissing me off. I use birth control and I am not killing babies. Birth control pills are designed to fake ovulation, so that your body thinks it has ovulated when in fact no egg has been expelled into the fallopian tubes. How is that killing babies if the sperm and egg never meet? No fertilization = no embryo = no baby = no murder! Would supporters of this extreme campaign say that periods kill babies too, those unfertilized eggs end up being flushed down the toilet with the rest of the blood! I hate when things are taken to extremes. I will be extreme as well here, and say that I would support mandatory sterilizations of these people!

I then found this while searching...I like this one!

I Heart My Shirt!

2007-07-16T19:07:00.000-05:00

I got home from work today to find my custom made shirt from Sunshine! I love it so much! It is really really cute! Some of you may be wondering what happened to I Heart Mangina...well fiance thought that mangina was gross, and he liked peni better! So, I changed it...thanks Sunshine for being so accommodating! Please visit her and let her know how much you love my shirt!

Donovan was getting a bit jealous that the camera wasn't on him...so he decided to pop in!

Nudists!

2007-07-16T16:03:00.000-05:00

Is it necessary to post 'Nude Area Restrooms'???

If that wasn't posted, would you think that they required you to put your clothes back on before peeing??? Nudist are a weird sort! If you were going to a nudist resort, wouldn't you assume that it was expected to be nude anywhere you pleased! Why would there need to be a sign at all?

Weekend Over...Back To Work!

2007-07-16T09:43:00.000-05:00

Friday night Jeanette, Ashley and I went to The Pleasure Chest to pick up a few supplies for a bachlorette party that Ashley is hosting. It's always a good time at the Pleasure Chest. This time we overheard a conversation in regards to cock rings that I found highly entertaining between a sales clerk and a little bitty Asian girl (I really thought she was going to ask where to find the "How To Bukake" video). The girl basically was asking about different rings and the dude was very openly talking about which he has used, which he likes and dislikes and which ones are designed to go around cock and balls or just cock or just balls! Very educational! I really want to buy one...they look very cute! They are like real fancy...but expensive too!

We went out to dinner after at some bar/restaurant on Southport that had way way too many children for a Friday night. At one point a straw was flung at my head from our neighbor table of rugrats. I don't really mind, I wasn't even mad...but the dad was screaming at the little boy to apologize to me, which became awkward after the boy starting hitting his dad and refusing to say sorry to me. The dad was relentless and wouldn't let up. These parents were awful, they were so not together on the parenting thing. The whole meal was spent listening to them argue about how to punish the child...while the child acted up, spit on the ground, spilled drinks and just was a brat. I think the worst mistake parents can make is not being together on the punishment thing and backing each other up, otherwise kids will run circles around the parents while they are arguing with each other.

I also went to a Cubs game this weekend! They won! Yeah! I am not a very big sports fan, but I don't mind going to a game or two. We had awesome seats, right above home base. I love ballpark food, the hot dogs, hamburgers, fries, nachos, ice cream...but it is so fucking expensive! How is it that the ballparks can anal rape us on food and beer and NO one says shit about it! We calculated an approximate amount of money that is made per game off of food, beer and souvenirs...its close to $1million! That is fucking insane. Athletes (if you can even call half of them that) are way overpaid...and I know this isn't like news to people, but it pisses me off! After the game Don, Donovan and I went to dinner and then to Enchanted Castle. Donovan rode the go karts with Don and had such a good time. He walked into the place and just stopped! Looked around in amazement and was literally stunned into a catatonic state! He had such a good time, and so did we watching him!

Speaking of castles...am I the only one that hasn't seen the new Harry Potter movie???

What the hell is Shakira doing??? She looks retarded, someone should really show her an easier way to hold her microphone!

Baby...What's Your Sign?

2007-07-13T18:04:00.000-05:00

Please read your horoscope provided by some random website below...then read my take (***) on your sex style!

VIRGO - The One that Waits

Dominant in relationships. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.

*** Plays the coy virginal character in public but is into S&M, costumes and PVC! Very skilled in tantric sex.

SCORPIO - The Addict

EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.

*** The missionary position is favored due to lack of raw creativity, but if giving the right amount of rohypnol...can turn into a sexual beast that can go all night!

LIBRA - The Lame One

Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However not the kind of person you wanna mess with...you might end up crying.

*** The pushover who likes to be peed and pooped on but if you do this after eating corn, you will get your ass beat! They also enjoy DVDA.

ARIES - The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.

*** Demands oral sex forcefully and will scream obscene phrases loudly while reaching climax! They wrote the Kama Sutra!

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water

Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.

*** They enjoy shower sex but only anal with the lights on! They are also game for all water sports and quickies.

GEMINI - Irresistible

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

*** The cocktease or pussytease that will come back to bite you when they find that you have gone to seek ass elsewhere!

LEO - The Lion

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Sexy. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found.

*** The one that will eat you alive and suck you dry while dominating you! Will talk dirty incessantly unless something is shoved in their mouths to shut them up!

CANCER - The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

*** The self-service climaxer that uses regular household items and plays shy when with others, very good at taint play!

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

*** Always giggles and laughs while fucking, occasionally farts while out of control! Also, makes faces during sex that can be scary if the room is well lit.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate

Lover. Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

*** Likes to be tied up and dominated, enjoys calling people "master" and asks for spankings!

TAURUS - The Tramp

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

*** Gets off on public sex especially in dirty bar bathrooms and enjoys wearing other gender's undergarments!

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!

*** The slut that will do whatever you ask! Very good tongue techniques!

The Spindle

2007-07-13T16:17:00.000-05:00

The Spindle, a Berwyn landmark (two towns over from where I live) that once made a cameo in the 1992 movie "Wayne's World," will be dismantled to make way for a Walgreens (good, there are none of those around). The sculpture with eight cars sits in the middle of the shopping plaza. I could not be happier that this piece of shit is being dismantled! It is just a giant bird shit catcher. The thing I don't really understand is that there is already a Walgreens in this shopping plaza...why the fuck do we need another one?