Now Hiring - Crossing Guard - Must Be A Beast

Is it a requirement that crossing guards have to be beastly??? They do in fact insure that children cross the street safely (or at least they try), so shouldn't they at least be a little bit nice and friendly? I have now had two incidences with crossing guards in the past month. Now, I know you are thinking that I must be a sucky driver, but I don't think that is the problem...I think it is the sucky crossing guards.

The first incident (not that serious) was a few weeks ago while I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit for work. I take the same route every week so I see the same crossing guards at the same corners. So, I get to 31st and 17th - I am going to be making a right hand turn onto 31st from 17th - and there is a group of children waiting to be crossed across 31st. The light turns green - I wait since there are children ready to be crossed - but the crossing guard is just standing there talking on her cell phone. So, I concluded that they must be waiting for the next light so they can cross 17th instead. I cautiously start to turn...when the beast...I mean crossing guard holds up her sign and yells at me that "You need to STOP!!!" I was a little annoyed at her since she should have gotten off her cell phone and crossed the children immediately when the light turned...instead of waiting till she completely inconvenienced me and everyone behind me waiting to go. I wasn't that upset (since this was the 1st incident with incompetent crossing guards), I simply gave her the bird (along with my best "I am going to kill you!" look) and went on my way.

The second incident (today on my way to work...was a little more serious). I was traveling down Circle and came to the Jackson 4-way stop, there is always a lot of kids around because there are about 3 schools in a five block vicinity, so I am always very cautious. I also know that the crossing guard positioned at this stop sign is a fucking idiot (due to the fact that I have seen almost a dozen children get run down). I was going straight on Circle (making my way to Starbucks) when I came to a complete stop, it was my turn, there were no children anywhere close to the "ready to cross position" and I began to go. The crossing guard (on the opposite side of the street from me) came bounding into the street with her STOP sign gleaming yelling at me to "STOP"! I stopped so now my car was completely blocking the cross walk. The two kids that were "ready" to cross were still a good 25 feet from the intersection. I stayed in the stop position since her sign was still out and she was yelling "Go! GO! GO!!!" I thought she was yelling at the kids, because she was standing in the middle of the intersection with her stupid sign up, so I waited, after all, I didn't want to be arrested for manslaughter after mowing her lazy ass down...since she was in the middle of the fucking intersection! She continued to yell - by now the children had reached the crossing position and were ready to be crossed. I was thinking well isn't this dandy the fucking kids are going to have to walk around my car to cross the street, if she would have just let me go 2 minutes ago...we wouldn't have this problem. She is now holding up traffic (that intersection gets quite congested early in the morning) and people are starting to boil. She then looks dead at me and yells, "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GO!" That was it! Manslaughter charges or not...I was going to run the bitch down! See ya'll later...come visit me in prison...bitch was going to die! I made sure that the kids were still safely on the sidewalk and drove up to her, stopped the car next to her (yes, in the middle of the intersection), and told her (politely) that, "I am going to shove that STOP sign so far up your fat fucking ass that you will wish you for death...cunt bitch!" Yes, I know, I used the nasty "C" word again....I hate that word...however, it is so vulgar that she won't forget me and my aqua blue car! What can I say...I didn't have my Starbucks yet!

When I got to Starbucks, all my killing anxiety has boiled up in the last three blocks and I am now a fricking maniac. I walk in and I am greeted by welcoming, kind faces that make it all okay. I get my drink and I am off to a fun and exciting day at work!

Brittany Spears Sucks!

Recently Brittany Spears beloved son, Sean Preston, fractured his skull, either by falling out of a high chair or because she dropped him (since the tabloids are so willy nilly I am not sure what really happened). I was thinking about what a bad mother and role model she was. How could that happen...a fractured skull...that is serious! If he did fall out of the high chair (which if used correctly is almost impossible for infants to "fall" out of) then Brittany is a moron and doesn't know how to use the restraint system or if Sean Preston was plain old dropped...then Brittany is also a moron. Accidents happen and kids are going to get boo boos, but a fractured skull...come on!

Yesterday, Donovan fell flat on his face when he lunged toward daddy and missed so he fell right through Don's legs and smacked hard on the floor. His new adorable teeth became like a samurai sword and sliced a nice gash between his upper lip and gums. There was some blood...freaked me out, but the little trooper only cried for about 20 seconds and went on to playing like nothing happened. After I called the doctor and my mom, we decided that he was fine and didn't need any emergency medical care (the bleeding stopped almost instantly, he was giggling and playing like normal and sucking on that binky like no one's business). About 15 minutes later, Don and I were still assessing the damage as Donovan got more and more annoyed with his worry wart parents, when he (in a fit of aggravation) slammed his head into my hand. This sounds fairly harmless, if I weren't holding a squeeze tub of Baby Oral Gel. The rounded side managed to be the exact spot that met with the corner of his eye. Donovan is now sporting a black eye! Quite cute however, makes me wonder what the other guy looks like!

So all this has me thinking...Am I a bad mother like Brittany?!? I don't really think so but, I know accidents happen so maybe I should cut Brit some slack.

Cherry Cobbler

We finally decided on a paint color for our living room - Cherry Cobbler. Not the most becoming color name, but we are picking based on actual color...not color names. However, if it was up to me we would be choosing based on color names (my choices included Red Red Wine, Velvety Merlot, Luscious, and Cranberry Zing). Good thing I didn't get my way because those colors would have looked just awful on my walls.

I Know Why I Don't Have Sympathy For The Mentally Challenged!

Now lets not get our panties in a twist because I seem to be mean or unsympathetic to the retarded population, but let me tell you some things that might help explain. I live on a really great street, mostly old folks and a few younger families. I know the majority of my neighbors and can have a quick and polite conversation without annoying me or inconveniencing me in any way.

The neighbors to my south have three foster children (all mentally challenged). I know they are foster children because the adults are black and the kids are white (Children of the Corn - WHITE)! The boy (name unknown) likes to play baseball and football with himself. It is actually quite amusing. Hut hut hut....HIIIIIKKEEEE! Run boy run! TOUCHDOWN! And the winner is.....big surprise....the boy's team...or the boy I mean, since team would indicate more than 1. I actually rather enjoy the boy, he is quiet, clean, cordial, nice and keeps to himself. He never steps foot on our lawn, never throws his balls in our yard, has yet to break a window and is not that scared of our ferocious beagles as they bound down the stairs for potty.

The two girls....are another story.

Crystal and Linda drive me absolutely insane. The common gangway we share is also known as the echo tunnel. They find it necessary to scream at each other, "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
NNNNNNNNNNNNN
DDDDDDDDDDDDDD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now imagine that echo in your best retard voice...makes it so much worse. My favorite thing about my Children of the Corn neighbors is that they like to play beauty pageant and runway show. Now they are not the most striking girls I have seen, and they could stand to loose 20 - 30 pounds (not that I am one to talk...but I don't play beauty pageant). Their signature walk leaves much to be desired and their running commentary and line of questions for the "intelligence" portion is very entertaining. I use to feel bad that I laughed at them and that I purposefully let the ferocious beagles "attack" them (the dogs are actually afraid of them now...they do not look normal...they don't look retarded either, but there is enough evidence to support my retard label).

Now to why I have no sympathy...

Their bedroom window is across the echo tunnel from ours. They NEVER sleep (I am not exaggerating - they NEVER sleep). They like to sing to popular hits such as Brittany Spears, Kelly Clarkson (they have ruined her for me), Sean Paul, Usher, Nick Cannon, Pink, Ciara, Beyonce, and other female and male vocalists that like high notes. Needless to say, at 1 in the morning listening to the Children of the Corn belt out, "Hit Me Baby One More Time" in their best Speddy Eddy voices leaves me angry and unsympathetic to the mentally challenged cause. I know I should blame the foster family for not making them keep the noise level down or putting them in cages so they sleep, but somehow, its the girls that take the brunt of my anger. They are harmless and all around good girls, but I cannot take another summer of the singing.

As I look back at what I have wrote, I am starting to feel a little bad because that was harsh...but then again...they should realize that people sleep at 1 am and that their singing does not produce relaxing lullabies.

Wow...She's Hot!

Has J'Lo been eating her perfume lately...because damn...she looks nasty! I know she has got to have enough money for a bra for those squishy's! And please...stop grabbing your non-existent frank and beans!

Remodeling Sucks

So Don and I decided to take on a project bigger than we had time for. We bought all new furniture and it won't be delivered until May 4th so we decided to paint the living and dining room. Well, there was some ancient ass wallpaper that needed to be ripped down, not so bad. Then there is all the wallpaper glue removal that needs to take place...pain in the ass. We started this weekend, but it is going to take a few days. Then we have to spackel, prime and then paint. I know I will love it when its finished...but right now I just want to move.

Proof Once Again

Once more I prove to everyone that Donovan is the cutest baby in the world!

Nice Way Of Saying I Suck At Math!

I took an IQ test and these are my results...

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.

What the test results are saying, in a very nice way, is that I am a complete retard when it comes to Math.

Here's the link if your interested...

The Classic IQ Test
http://web.tickle.com/invite?test=3001&type=t

My Trip To Satan's Asshole!

Yesterday Don and I took a trip to Satan's Asshole...otherwise known as the Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV). It was not as I expected...I didn't have any outbursts at the morons that call themselves employees or at the retarded people standing in line...and I wasn't banned! How eventful! I dediced it might be best if I waited in the car while Don took care of his business...no he didn't have to use it...he needed to renew his license, which he did...scored 100% on the writtn portion and wasn't even required to take the driving portion. Good news for the DMV and me!

Hi Cheese!

Hi Cheese...this is Jeanette!

It's Spring Cleaning Time Again!

I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it! With the weather perking up in full gear for Spring...I find myself peeing my pants with excitement and thrill because I know that this week I get to do my Spring cleaning. I love cleaning anytime and don't really need an excuse, but the Spring season especially excites me because it is time to purge the back porch. My back porch becomes the bottomless pit for storage and trash. I have bags of baby clothes, Donovan's miscellaneous outgrown apparatuses, air conditioners, tables, recyclables that never made it to the bin and many other things that made themselves a cold home on the back porch for the winter. Last time I purged the porch, my neighbor and I had a slight altercation - she made some comments and I heard them...we had a few words, needless to say, we don't have the friendly neighborly courtesies anymore, just evil stares and annoyed mumbles. So I can't wait to start the purging! Let the cleaning begin!

Donovan's Special Birthday Guest!

Now don't get me wrong...I do like costumes at Halloween, but when one of Donovan's birthday guests came (I mean changed) as Spiderman, we were all alittle shocked. This little GIRL is 7 and her parents think it is okay for her to come to someones very special day and change into THIS!!! Hello, leave the fucking costume at home next time.

My Cute Little Boy!

I know everyone is sick of hearing me talk about how cute Donovan is, and how he is the cutest baby in the world...but he is and here are some pictures to prove it!

Why Can't Everyone Be Like Jeanette and I

Do I have to light an atomic bomb under the world's ass??? It seems like no one is as competent as Jeanette and myself (I am not trying to boost my self-confidence and give myself a pat on the back here). The questions that I was asked today at work, blew my mind. Also, the amount of gaul some teachers had made it hard to not spit in their pompous faces. The hopher asked me to do the impossible, and after an explanation of why this feat was not going to be feasible, she wanted me to do it anyway. Just need to vent!

My Favorite Directors!

I stumbled upon this picture today...thought it might be funny!

Is It Wrong To Just Want Lettuce?

I was at the grocery store the other day looking at the plethora of bagged lettuce. The selection was a little overwhelming and I didn't know if I wanted Caesar, Mediterranean, Spinach, Iceberg, Classic, Italian, Romaine or one of the seventy other choices. I was getting a little pissed because I wanted just lettuce. As Don approached me, he asked, "what's wrong?" I replied, "God, I want a bag of JUST LETTUCE!" Right then, I looked down at the bottom row and saw a nice green bag that made me feel a little bit like I was in heaven...it said, "Just Lettuce." What are the chances that my prayers were answered at that exact moment! I hadn't even been nice about the prayer...it was more of a demand really, but whatever, it worked. I think I might keep trying this asking God for stuff stunt..."God, I really want a new car!" Well, I gave it a minute and nothing has happended, so I am assuming the I used up the one wish like prayer on JUST LETTUCE! FUCK!

Wow How Time Flies

So it has been almost two months since my last blog...I feel kind of guilty not keeping up with things.

My life has been very busy lately. Lots of work fun, it is busy season at Sylvan. We have tests up the ass every single Saturday and no room for comfortable testing environments for the kids. Our lovely and dedicated (HaHa) teachers have been pulling some irresponsible crap. The damn directors keep enrolling kids so it just makes for a really profitable nightmare.

Donovan just had his 1st Birthday on March 10th, so I was planning not one, but two birthday parites for him. I couldn't believe how stressed out I was about Donovan turning one. I credit myself with being a pretty laid back type of person that doesn't let things get to me and stress me, but the 1 year mark took its toll. Donovan got so much fun stuff for his birthday...the little spoiled brat!

Donovan has RSV, which is a viral respitory infection and an ear infection. The poor thing is miserable, I guess all that partying took its toll on his immune system. He has to do an inhalation treatment through a nebulizer four times and day...and he hates it! The mask is a cute little dinosaur that does nothing to soothe the scary sounds.

So, I am going to rededicate myself to blogging again!

I Am Really Slacking

I realize that I have been a very bad blogger lately! I haven't blogged in some time. I do have an excuse though...my computer crashed and I had to wait for the new hard drive to be installed. That was a very frustrating event - we lost all of our pictures and everything that we had on our computer. I was very upset about this whole situation because Donovan's 1st year pictures are all gone! We took the computer to a recovery specialist at Circuit City...with no luck. The good thing about the Kodak online photo albums is that I can order a disc with all my pictures of Donovan and we can once again have them. The only catch is that the pictures that were once free for us to enjoy...are now going to cost over $40.00 to buy. It is totally worth it since they are Donovan's pictures, but it just kind of sucks that we now have to pay to have our pictures back! I know it sounds dumb, but I am allowed to feel annoyed.

It's Been Awhile

I feel like I haven't blogged in such a long time. Christmas and New Year's have past without any sort of commentary from me - weird. So let me catch you all up...

Christmas was extremely busy and exhausting. Donovan got so much stuff that we had to buy a huge rubber container to store all his toys so that I didn't go crazy looking at them everywhere. Visiting family is so tiring with a baby. Everybody wants to hold him, everybody wants to see him, everybody wants to talk about when their kids were this little - I am not interested by the way! I am glad that it is over and that we can all get back to a normal schedule. The food the past few weeks has been phenomenal, so I can't really complain.

It was Don and I's 8 year anniversary on Dec. 30th so we got to go out on a date to Fridays. That was a lot of fun. We do actually go out together often, but usually it is to the grocery store or to Target, so going out and eating and drinking together was a lot of fun. You always have fun at Fridays. I am sort of sad that I didn't receive any pottery gifts this year for our anniversary.

New Year's Eve was another day. Nothing exciting, it usually ends up being a boring night. Couldn't really do anything because of Donovan's bedtime and feeding schedule and all. My mom made the most fantastic appetizer though (potato skins, shrimp cocktail, spinach dip, chili dip, veggies and dip, horseradish dip, brownies, rice crispies treats - that's a whole lot of dips...but they were good). I don't usually expect anything super exciting for New Year's Eve anyway, it is hyped up too much and really isn't that big of a deal to me.

New Year's Day we went to my Aunt's house in Mundelien for brunch. She always has fantastic brunch - it is well worth the long car ride. She made a breakfast casserole with ham, potatoes, cheese and eggs and she also made a blueberry French toast casserole that was delicious. We had the standard brunch issue foods; bagels and cream cheese, shrimp, loch, pasta salad, several kinds of breads (poppyseed, banana and cranberry), quiche (spinach and cheese and bacon and cheese), all sorts of cakes and cookies and of course mimosas. Well, I am getting kind of hungry talking about all this food. We got to play our annual "Hide the Pickel" game! Sounds like more fun than it actually is though.

Sounds like I spent my holidays eating and eating and eating (almost forgot all the awesome baked goods provided by Frances Anna at work - rum balls and jello weird things that tasted like heaven). That's what the holidays are about...good food and family! I hope everyone else had a good time and ate lots of good food!

Missing Jeanette

Jeanette is on vacay this week and I miss her so much! Sylvan just isn't the same without her. I have been doing an awful lot of work though...not that she is that much of a distraction! I really miss my lunch buddy...lunch doesn't taste as good without Jeanette. I don't think Jeanette should be allowed to take any more vacation days. Jeanette is also leaving me on Saturdays starting in January - and I don't like that one bit! At least I will have her one Saturday a month and then on every Friday.