Funny Things!

Holy Road Rage

Here's the story...

Don, Donovan and I were going to see Grandma Taco in Downers Grove this morning. We were getting on the Eisenhower at Des Plaines so we were going to be merging into the left hand lane. Now, at 10:30am on a Sunday, there was no traffic. I had my turn signal on and was in the process of merging when the small SUV in the left lane decided to speed up and run me onto the shoulder. My reflexes are super sharp because I had my middle finger up and ready for when she passed us, which was only with a few inches to spare. Since there was no traffic the bitch should have just moved into the center lane if she didn't want cars in front of her, instead of waiting and then flooring it to pass me before I merged into the left lane. So, needless to say, I was a little pissed off...Don too. I immediately merged into the center lane, caught up to her, drove right next to her honked to get her attention and Don and I gleefully flicked her off while screaming obscenities at the dumb bitch. She immediately slowed and changed lanes. We watched her in the rear view mirror swerving in and out of lanes and making a lot of distance between us. We then see her coming up fast next to us, Don said, "Ohhh, looks like this bitch wants something!" We look over at her and she is gently displaying what looked to be a Bible at us through her window. She took off fast, but not quickly enough to miss our final flick off. Don and I were laughing at the whole situation and we got to Grandma Taco's without any more problems.

Here's my question...

What was the purpose of displaying her Bible to us?

Was she...
A. Showing us that God is on her side?
B. Afraid that we were going to bust a cap in her ass?
C. Afraid that we were satanic crazyies?
D. Not able to express road rage appropriately?
E. Just a Bible banging weirdo?
F. Not holding up a Bible, but a Koran?

The Word Wizard

Donovan had his 18 month check-up today (I can't believe he's 18 months old) and it went pretty well. We, unfortunately, had to change pediatrician because our old doctor dropped my insurance company. The new doctor's office is nice, the staff and nurses are great. The doctor was different. It's not that I didn't like her or that I didn't think she was competent, it's that she didn't wear a white doctors coat. I don't know what it is, but that white coat really has an impact on me. It's probably conditioning, but I really like the white coat. I was skeptical about Donovan's 1st doctor and then came to absolutely love him, so I'm sure this one will work out too, it will just take a few visits for me to determine for sure.

Good news, Donovan is doing great! He got 3 shots, in the arm...not the leg this time, which I thought was a little weird since his arms have less meat. Our hopes of him becoming a basketball player have once again been shot down the toilet...Surprise surprise! He's a shorty, but everything is perfectly proportioned. I voiced my concerns about Donovan's language development and I pretty much have decided that I am over-reacting. His doctor is totally not concerned, either was his last doctor, and my mom has continuously told me that he is developing on target, in fact ahead of most 18 month olds she knows and boys talk less and later than girls do. I trust my mom over anyone on the development stuff, she majored in ECE and she's been the director of a daycare for a long time. My mom is just the baby lady. She knows her stuff and this is her purpose, her life, her passion. Even though every expert has told me to stop worrying, I can't seem to get it out of my mind. He's a smart boy and he is ahead of the developmental curve, I guess I was just expecting a word wizard.

My Sister The Hottie!

Maggie and I absolutely adore the show America's Next Top Model, it is sinful...yet delicious! I am totally not into fasion, but I love the photography and the drama! The season premier is Wednesday and I couldn't be more excited about the cast. Personally, if Maggie was old enough for the show, I think she would totally get casted and win! Or maybe she could just go into porn! Whichever...DSL's baby! I'd be her agent!

My Creative Genius!

Spending time with grandma is great fun mom! She lets me get so messy!

Acting 101

Disbelief

Worry

Shock

Contemplative

Ideals Vs. Reality

I have been thinking recently about how my ideals of parenting have changed since Donovan came into my life. Things that I thought were big no no's in my head for parenting and things that I said I would never do are things that I find myself doing with my son. It has started to bother me because I never thought that I would change my ideals and give in. The things that bother me the most are the pacifier, co-sleeping and TV.

IDEAL: I was adamant about NO pacifier. I thought that it was a bad habit and that his thumb would do fine to soothe and comfort him. My sisters and I never had a pacifier and we're just fine (expect for my oral-fixation). I absolutely hate children who walk around with pacifiers in their mouths, especially when they are like 5 years old. I always felt that the pacifier was an "easy" way out for parents and that it would hinder language development.

REALITY: I started using a pacifier with Donovan before he was even 24 hours old. He had an insatiable sucking instinct and my nipples needed a break. My nipples hurt worse than the C-section did. I demanded a pacifier and we have used it ever since. Our rule is that he only gets the "binky" when is is going to take a nap or got to bed. We stick to that most of the time, but sometimes we get weak and break down. When he hurts himself...I get the binky, when he is crabby but it is too early for bed...I get the binky, when he colors or paints...I get the binky (that one is so he doesn't eat the crayons and finger paint). I have tried so hard to let this go, but I feel guilty for introducing the pacifier. Everytime I give it to him when it isn't bed or nap time, it drives me nuts.

IDEAL: Children sleep in cribs. I was so against co-sleeping. The bed should be an off limits area to children kept especially for moms and dads. Parents need an intimate space for themselves.

REALITY: This is all Don's fault. I wanted him to sleep in his crib in his room when we came home from the hospital, but Don insisted that he sleep with us. We used the little mattress with the side thing in the middle of our bed. It was really easy for me to breastfeed him in the middle of the night every two hours, so I got lazy. I also got accustomed to having Donovan with me at night. Then when I decided that I wanted my bed back I had a nightmare of a time getting him to sleep in his crib. I was so frustrated that I would break down in tears. We started the sleeping in the crib when he was almost 1 year and after about a month of complete frustration, he got use to it. Then summer hit (fucking heat) and Donovan sweats like a little pig. The minute his eyes close, he is dripping with sweat. We only have two window units in our bedroom and in the living room, so back to sleeping in our bed because mommy felt awful that you were so damn hot! I seriously couldn't bear to leave him in that hot ass room while he was sweating so profusely. Since the temperature is cooling off again, I am going to start the crib sleeping routine again. I will miss him so much at night - he is a great snuggler. FYI - co-sleeping doesn't really effect sex, just makes it more interesting!

IDEAL: Children under the age of 5 shouldn't watch TV. Blah blah blah, we all know why!

REALITY: Donovan wakes up in the morning and goes to the living room and turns on the TV, Cable box and AMP to watch Sponge Bob Square Pants and Dora The Explorer. He does this all by himself. Donovan really only watches TV in the morning until breakfast and then sometimes at night. The TV is pretty much on all day long, but not really used. I watch about 3 hours of TV a week when Donovan is awake and watch movies with Don when Donovan goes to bed. I should just turn the damn thing off, but I really enjoy the background noise. We do listen to music a lot but even when were not in the room the TV is on. There is no TV watching during meals or snacks. I feel like he could easily turn into a TV addict since he has been able to work the entertainment center properly since he was like 12 months old.

***Okay, I am done, sorry for that. I needed to get that off my chest so that maybe some of my guilt will dissipate. Looking at the big pictures these things must seem stupid to most people for me to feel guilty about, but I am so stubborn about things that it bothers me that I gave in.

That Was A Quick One!

I finished Running With Scissors today, I started Tuesday so I am impressed with myself. It was a really good book, I couldn't put it down. Jeanette and Sarah are also going to read it and we are going to CPK to discuss it! I can't believe how fucked up people/situations are. This book is labeled a memoir, but I find that hard to believe. I know that there are fucked up families and that not everybody grows up in a normal household, but seriously...read this book and tell me how unbelievable this family unit is!

When Nature Strikes!

What happens when you have a very hungry 5 foot ball python and a man with white latex gloves sticking his hand in the feeding tank???

Snake bite!

Serp, our 5 foot long ball python, was ready for his feeding today since he has gone a while without one. We could only acquire a large mouse at the local PetCo (sorry Sarah, I like them better than PetSmart) and he usually eats a large rat. We got two just in case one split or was rotten or whatever. I prepared the hot water to defrost the little bugger while Don transferred Serp into his feeding tank and cleaned out his home tank. I don't exactly like to handle pre-killed anything so I don't actually touch the mouse to make sure that it is completely defrosted (and yes, I do put them into like 3 baggies just to make sure nothing gets out). So, I told Don, "foods ready" and he opened up the bags and held the mouse by its tail (he wears latex gloves while doing this) and then hovered the mouse every so gently above the tank through the open crack at the top. Serp seemed very uninterested because Don told me that, "its too damn cold for him". I was like well, "If he's hungry enough...he'll eat it an be just fine"! Meanwhile, Don was doing the mouse dance (dangling the dead mouse around the tank to piss off the 5 foot snake) to entice Serp. Well, Serp was enticed and was about to strike when the mouse tail slipped from Don's hand and bonked Serp on the head. Serp was pissed, not only because the mouse attacked him...but because the mouse was still an icicle. I was about to go get the other frozen mouse to start defrosting so we could try again, when Don said, "Let me get this one out first!" I was like, "BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!" Don didn't heed my warning and went to grab the dead frozen mouse. Now lets just think a moment...Don was wearing white gloves that looked like little Mickey Frozen Mouse and he was clearly warm enough to eat and a moving target getting awfully close to the strike zone. Big surprise here, Serp bit Don. Don pulled back and Serp re-coiled, both a little scared. Don has very minor bite wounds and thankfully Serp is a constrictor and not venomous. Serp ripped through the gloves and left 3 or 4 puncture type wounds on the webbing part of Don's hand between his thumb and pointer finger. Not a serious injury at all, so I don't feel bad when I can say, "I told you so" and actually have great proof to back it up with. Don's not much of a baby (I think to protect his masculinity) but if that was me, I would have shit myself and then cried all day long! Good thing I'm not a fuck-tard with nature!

My Reading Goal!

Since the BAMF's aren't going to be meeting until beginning of November, I have decided to set some reading goals for myself. I really like having book club once a month because then I am constantly reading. I usually finish our club book in a week and then have some time to read one in between. I am a little disappointed that we are waiting two months for our next meeting since the book we are reading looks like a quick read kind of book. I have already started The Amateur Marriage by Anne Tyler but haven't been able to really get into the book. I started it before The Carnal Prayer Mat and haven't picked it up since I finished. I am determined to finish this one since it would bother me to leave a book half read. I also decided to read Running With Scissors By Augusten Burroughs. I have heard that it is a really good book so I have motivation to finish The Amateur Marriage first. So, if anyone else would like to read either of these books, we can arrange our own personal meeting.

P.S. This would be posted on our BAMF's blog except I was having technical difficulties with the posting!

I Need A G.A.D Transplant!

Does anyone know of any good G.A.D transplant surgeons??? If so, tell them you know a girl in a funk with a broken G.A.D (Give A Damn)!

So work is really bumming me out, I am frustrated and angry with management and not much I can do about it. I should expect this because it happens quarterly when I show up on the P&L reports as an "L". Instead of looking at my 10 years experience, my vast knowledge of the business, my ability to run things blind folded with one hand tied behind my back and my overall dedication to the mission and success of the company...I am considered a loss not a profit. Why? Because they have to pay for those things. I do understand the reasons for considering me a loss, but really I hate that they have no appreciation for dedication and knowledge. I know that I am not the Bill Gates of this company, but I really feel that I help make our center successful. I also know that the center would survive without me, but I would like to think that it wouldn't be as efficient...or fun!

I don't know how to fix my broken "give a damn" but I do know that maybe it is time for a change. I'm going to put my resume out there and see if anything happens. I really don't want to make this kind of change in my life right now, but at some point my G.A.D isn't going to bounce back and I may go postal!

P.S. Thanks Jeanette for introducing me to the G.A.D phrase - I just love it because it describes how I feel, perfectly!

Finally!

So we have had to wait like 5 months(?) to meet little Suri Cruise and here she is. She's not black, to my suprise! I just wonder if she is all that the wait has cracked her up to be? She's kind of scary looking...maybe she is an alien after all - or it could just be Tom's sperm!

You Like My Shades???

You can call me...Elton John!

Crikey...I Can't Believe He's Dead!

This is my tribute to Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter. I seriously can't believe that he died. His show was one of my favorite Animal Planet shows of all time. I feel so bad for his two little kids, his wife and Suey (his dog for those of you non-CH watchers. I loved his enthusiasm and respect for animals. He was one of the top conservationist in the world and will be dearly missed. The way he passed is so shocking to me - it was meant to happen and it was just his time to go do bigger and better things!