Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Funny Shit!

My personal favorite isn't pictured above...

I'm Proof My Mom Likes To Fuck!

Disturbed Rocks!

I can't find it!

I am so frustrated!

I wanted to find my new favorite song to play for you guys, but You Tube sucks my ass and licks my balls so I can't find it! But anyway, I will just tell you (which I know is a lot more exciting). It's a song (don't know the name) by Disturbed that I can't stop listening too. I get really addicted to one song and listen over and over again! I know I am a bit behind the times, but Disturbed rocks!

Don is really good at finding artists and being really eclectic with music, but I am a stubborn bitch and will sometimes, flat out refuse to listen to his choice because I would prefer to listen to the Wicked soundtrack when we are in the car together! I like to listen to music that I can sing along with...and I know the way to get to know the lyrics is by listening...but sometimes I am not a good listener! I just want to sing! So last night, we were driving and I got to listen to three songs from Wicked and then Don got to listen to three songs from his mixed CD...and Disturbed came on...and I LOVED it! My sister has been a long time fan, and has asked me to go to repeated Disturbed concerts with her, and I turn her down...because, I don't know...I am an old bitty! But now...I really really really want to go! I made Don replay the song over and over...which he didn't mind since he can sing along too then!

Oh, and the lead singer of Disturbed...is fucking hot! That thing in his chin...cool as hell! The others could use a makeover!

Monday, July 30, 2007

The Award Virgin!

It all started here...and thanks to Crushed By Ingsoc...I have been given my first award...ever! This award is for, "people that were exceptionally adept at creating relationships with other bloggers by making an effort to be part of a conversation, as opposed to a monologue. These bloggers have all worked hard to build a reputation for themselves by commenting on other blogs, participating in blogging communities, replying to comments left on their blog and overall just doing their part to interact with other bloggers."

So, I looked up the definition of schmooze, because, honestly I wasn't sure...I thought perhaps it was similar to a brown noser or an ass kisser, but no...it means to chat idly, gossip, chatter, or chat casually and in a friendly way. Much better than brown noser!

I am truly honored to get this award, well, I would be honored to get any award...even if it was the "Most Abnoxious Blogger Award" or the "The Girl That Doesn't Shut Up Award". I am probably going to do this all wrong...but give me a break...I'm a fricking virgin here!

I am now supposed to give this award out to five other very deserving Schmoozer's! My goal in giving these awards out is to give them to people who are award virgins...I want to pop some cherries here people! I think that there are a ton of you out there that deserve this, and as I was going through my links trying to decide...it was hard (like right after a hot lap dance kind of hard)!
So here are my five...in alphabetical order!

1st - Yoda: You are so busy with school, new job and moving, but you still make time to post, comment and reply to all your comments. You are so funny and always manage to make me laugh! You are dedicated to your blog group and I respect that...you don't let it get so big that you can't keep up your close relationships with each person!

2nd - Raffi: You are so deep, and you truly inspire with your "flows", but you are a complete goof sometimes and I love it! I see you all over and you frequent blogs of all different venues. I love how you can go from deep thinking to tits and ass in an instant!

3rd - Christie: We are pretty new to each other, but I loved you instantly! You are great at thinking outside the box in your comments and always have the angle that I have forgotten. I always look forward to your comments and your posts are hilarious! Like my sister from another mister!

4th - Captain Corky: You are amazing at keeping a conversation going in comments, you are a new dad, but still so dedicated to your blog. You check out new blogs and stay true to your old blog buddies too. You are amazingly good at opening up opinion floodgates and being respectful and accepting.

5th - Mighty Dyckerson: You are crude and obnoxious, but I love you...you make a community out of your blog and your readers! We are all sucked in with your hilarious wit and your persistence of you trying to get into every female readers pants! You are a comment king!

*** So, if any of you five aren't virgins...I am going to feel tricked and taken advantage of tomorrow morning!

I also, got a second award today! So I guess not only am I not an Award Virgin anymore, but I have become the Award Whore! This award came from Mike...who thinks that I am an Inspirational Blogger! His reason behind giving me the award is, "Because she is the coolest blogger ever!" Well thanks, that was a great ego boost! I am really not very good at this giving out awards thing, because, like Mike, I find everyone inspiring in one way or another! I can't just pick and choose between you all! You all have a special place in my heart! You are all so different that it's hard to pick a few!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Dating Made Easy!

My son is seriously the Big Mack Daddy of Flirt! He can pull more chicks than all of you male readers combined...well maybe not as many as Dyckerson...but seriously a close second! Here are Donovan's dating tactics...pay attention Yoda!


You have to flash them a smile, get their attention! Make sure the chicks are watching you, but pretend like you don't notice them!


Sneak in a surprise kiss when they are least expecting it! They won't have enough time to fight you off and after...they will just want more!


Feed them, chicks dig that! It shows that you are a caring, sensitive man!


Swoop in with another kiss...after sharing your snacks and hand feeding them...they won't be able to resist your persistence...and charm!


Play it cool! Act like your the hunky piece of man that you are...and ignore them, looking for your next date!

There you go, you follow those quick and easy steps guys...and you are golden!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Photo Request

Fever Dog asked if the caricature in my last post below "is that the only picture you have of you & Don?" Well, to answer your question...no...but we don't have any digital pictures of us and all the pictures we have are from an old skool camera. So, that got me digging around in all of my old pictures and I tried to take pictures of the pictures to show everyone!

This is Don...aka...Asshole Master...finally you all can put a face to the name!
I am thinking that I want to be blonde again, I haven't been blonde since before my son was born...it's my natural hair color now and I like it...but I miss being blonde! Now Don would all tell you that although I miss being blonde, I still have my blonde moments and I am a true blonde at heart!
Don't know what happened, I can barely use the camera as it is...but I thought it looked kind of bad ass!

This is a picture from Halloween....there are a few others, but I couldn't get them to turn out right! So, in a nut shell, I went to a Catholic High School (hence the skirts) and for Halloween one year we all decided to be slutty school girls...the guys too! We all dressed in the plaid skirts, white button down shirts (barely buttoned), and fishnets! When we were trick-or-treating...cars were honking...not at me...but at Don...he has a killer set of legs and with fishnets on...looked better than I did...needless to say, that was the last time I let him wear my skirt!

Around The House!

I was really really bored today-the house is clean, the laundry's done, no where to go...so I decided to take some pictures of the things that I love about my house!

Now, I don't really LOVE this because clearly...I am OCD about cleaning and this is just not "organized" enough for me...but my son loves his train set, and I love that he loves it!

This is a caricature that was done a few years ago of Don and I...and it just cracks me up! My chin looks like an egg! Don's neck looks like some fucking freakish bird!

This is my refrigerator...and I love to fill it with pictures of Donovan...what else!

This is my nook...it is the most impractical space, but it fits this thing perfectly and what better way to waste space then to put up more pictures of Donovan. We found this dresser/table thing in the garbage...we hauled it's heavy fucking ass up to our second floor apartment. It's real wood and was in great condition...so I don't know who would throw that out!

This is the newest edition to our Asian influenced decorations! It's almost as big as Donovan and he's totally cool! We told Donovan that he wakes up at night and eats you if your not sleeping! So mean...but hey, it works!
This is a painting that I had done by some street artist (total tourist thing I know) in the Forbidden City when I was in Beijing.

This is my favorite depiction of Buddha...we have a lot of Buddha's in our house...and this is by far my favorite...he's totally smokin' a joint (what it really depicts is the mudra meaning, "I will come and lead you to heaven").

This is a silk, um....I don't know what it's called...but its hand made and made of real silk...it's pretty kick ass...and from Singapore!
And lastly...my favorite thing about my house...Donovan!

If you guys were good sports and actually read all the way to the end...I am sorry for boring you silly!

Friday, July 27, 2007

I Don't Need No Book!

BAMF's is having a self-help themed meeting in two weeks...we all picked a book from a list put together by Sarah...so we could all help each other and read different books! Since I am not a fan of self-help and think that it is basically bullshit, I decided to pick a book that I thought would be mildly entertaining and also spark some interesting discussion topics at our meeting.

So, the book that I am reading is this...

And it is not even remotely entertaining! In fact, I find it boring and frustrating!

I would like to know who the fuck NEEDS this book? It's not like erotic literature and there aren't even that many pictures...so why does anyone need to read this? Are we that stupid that we can't figure out that the penis goes into the vagina or mouth...or on occasion...the ass? Are we that boring that we can't come up with our own sexual positions? Are we that dense that we can't figure out what our lover wants?

Basically Tantric sex is the joining of souls kind of stuff, like connection on a whole different level and Kama Sutra is positions that will increase your sexual energy...blah blah blah! I don't need to see Chakra colors to have a fucking orgasm!

It goes into lengthy detail on how to breath...um, ok...I can breath without instructions, in fact...it's all done automatically by my body...I don't even need to think about it! But breathing, according to this book, is the path to multiple orgasms and staying power for erections...weird...I thought that sex would sustain a boner and that multiple orgasms are achieved through touch...not breathing...shit, if I could orgasm while breathing...I wouldn't be allowed out of my house!

It talks about how massaging your partner is sexual...um, duh...touching and rubbing on someone sexual! That there are certain ways to touch your partner to make their sexual energy heighten to be blissful...my guess is that touching a penis will make it "heighten".

It also talks about all this connecting with your inner colors and blah blah blah....dudes and dudettes...its FUCKING...I don't need an instruction manual! And for sure I don't need to read about colors and what they represent...I don't care what color your car interior is...that ain't the point!

I guess I should be nicer, because maybe there are people out there that need instructions on how to use their privates...but really...isn't part of the fun of sex, figuring it all out, experimentation and uninhibited moments with the other person?

The book has a suggestion for all you males...make as much love as you want each week...but only ejaculate once every seven days! Ha ha ha...Tantric sex my ass...that is a serious case of blue balls!

The other obvious suggestion is that both people should experience an orgasm each love session and that it's important to please your lover...what the fuck...pleasure is the whole point of sex!!! The clitoris is the ONLY part of the human body that is designed specifically for pleasure...no purpose but pleasure, what a rough life for the clitoris! And men, if you can't make your woman cum...you shouldn't be having sex!

So, I am not going to recommend you read this book...unless you are a retard and don't know where you penis is!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fuck Me!

I know I complain alot about the public transportation and the homeless crazies on my blog...but seriously...it sucks! Why me??? What did I do in my past life that would require this kind of punishment...I must have been some slave driving queen bitch and now I am getting payback by having to ride the public train everyday! I hate it!

The train has a way of taking my mood from...happy and content...to...I want to stab someone in the neck and watch them bleed to death...in about 15 seconds. So, I get on the already crowded train and I have to stand, damn...no reading my book, and by the next stop the train is packed in air tight...I am basically straddling this sitting man's legs, while people just keep stuffing themselves in the car, pushing everyone closer and closer to each other. At this point the air conditioning is NOT working, every one's hot and sweaty, and personal space has become non-existent. Everyone was literally chest to chest, butt to butt with each other...they should hand out mints before you are allowed on the train...all the mouth breathers make me sick!!! A few stops later...people just keep shoving themselves on, even after the conductor announces that, "There's another train two stops behind, if you can't fit, you need to wait!" But everyone is so determined to pack themselves in that no one can wait! I would have gotten out and waited for the next train, but I was too far into the car to be able to even move, let alone scratch my own nose!

The next stop, a few people get off, and even more try to get on....this woman gets in my face and says, "Move back!" To which my reply was, "There isn't anywhere to move!" She says, "Well, people are trying to get on the train!" To which my reply was, "Well, people need to wait for the next train...there isn't any room!!!" She then puts her hands on my shoulders and shoves me backwards into the man directly behind me...and when I say shove, that actually means pushed me about 1/2 an inch in to the man behind me, since I was already literally on top of him. So, I said, "Keep you mother fucking hands off of me, you touch me again and I will turn your face into fucking hamburger!" I heard another man ask, "Should I push the emergency button?" My reply, "If this bitch puts her fucking hands on me again, you should call the morgue!"

So that ended the problem, and we all packed ourselves back into each other...and a few stops later...I feel the man behind me pitching a tent! He got a full fledged boner that was poking at my ass...oh...my...fucking...shit! He leaned into my ear and said, "Sorry...this is really embarrassing!" To which my reply was, "Uhhhhhhhhhh...it's okay." I know there are a million other things I could have said to him, but honestly, I would rather have someone's sausage in my ass then some cunt bitch putting her fucking hands on me like that!

I fucking HATE public transportation!

Anyway...Has anyone heard of or watched the show Love Me, Love My Doll??? No, well I think we should all tune in because these people are FUCKED UP and it makes for some really entertaining TV. I haven't actually seen the show, but I watch The Soup and it was one of the clips featured...basically the creep-show guy, that still lives with his parents, says, "I think the problem my dad has with my relationship with my doll is that...she isn't...actually...alive." Um, you fucking think! I think everyone on the show should be sterilized! I told that to Don and he said, "They fuck dolls, I don't think we need to worry about them reproducing!" Good point...but still...just in case...they should still be sterilized! The creep show guy also said this while describing his relationship with his doll, "At first is was just sex, sex, sex, but now, we just talk and we support and are there for each other." I was laughing so hard, I almost pissed myself...fucked up people provide the most fantastic entertainment!

I hope everyone has a great day! That dolls name is Jenny!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I Suck At Games

Does everyone know the game Asshole?

Not the card game, but the one where you make a circle with your fingers (like the picture above) and try to get the other person to look at it...and then if they look, you can punch them! The trick to the game is that you need to be slick and sneaky...neither of which I am very good at! Knowing that I always loose at this game...I still start it! I am a glutton for being punched I guess, that or retarded...either one!

So, Don (the self professed ninja) is super fucking good at this game...he like, pummels my ass in this game! I can usually get two or three punches in before he gets all warmed up for me! He gets me so good sometimes that I will literally gasp at my error of looking...and then...wait to be punched.

So last night, I decided that it would be a good idea to play asshole with him...of course I don't ask if he wants to play, so he always falls for the first one...yeah me...I get to punch him! Then from there it is all downhill, I end up with sore arms and legs...he even tried to punch the bottom of my foot...now that is just not nice! And once you start the game, it's almost impossible to stop. I try and try and try to get him, but seriously he is like the Asshole Master..doesn't fall for my tricks! But I fall for all of his...I think I got punched maybe like 40 times before we ended the game!

I hate losing...I will try again tonight!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Dork Alert!

Fuck...the dork comes out of me again...don't tell anyone please!

The first thing I thought of when I saw this picture was, "Damn...that guy's cool...he has like, ten light sabers!!!"

Monday, July 23, 2007

Drunk Whore Moron!

A woman who tried to dance on the bar at a tavern is now suing the bar after she fell and shattered her ankle. She is seeking more than $50,000 in damages for her injuries at Samy's Bar and Grill in Joliet (white trash capital of Illinois). She fell while trying to climb up onto the bar and is suing Samy's for "allowing her to climb upon the bar without a step-stool, ladder or other device used for safety. They encouraged their patrons to dance on the bar -- they cajole them, they yell at them, but they fail to take any safety precautions whatsoever," said the woman's attorney. She completely shattered her right ankle. She has had three surgeries on her ankle after the injury and the attorney representing the bar and its owners, said the lawsuit was the first anyone at the bar had heard of the incident.

All I have to say is fucking whore moron! You gonna dance on the bar...you better not be so wasted that your skank ass falls off of it and busts your shit! Dumb bitch! You shouldn't be allowed to sue because you are stupid!

Sphincter Man

I am a crazy homeless person magnet...but it makes for exciting times!

My train ride to work this morning was uneventful...my preference! But my walk to work prooved to be interesting! I was walking across the bridge to get to my office building and saw up ahead a ragged weirdo man jumping out at people right at the end of the bridge. It was too late to cross the street, so I walked on, preparing myself for his lunge at me that was inevitable. As I get closer, I start to smell that overpowering urine stench that often waifs off of the crazy homeless...taking a deep breath I march on...he jumps out...making me jump, even though I was expecting it...and yells, "I am sphincter man!" I couldn't help put spit out a loud bout of laughter as I walked away. I sat in my normal morning spot...just far enough away so that I couldn't smell piss anymore, but close enough that I could here him talking. He continued to jump out at people yelling about being the sphincter man, but added a chorus to go along while waiting for his next victim...it went like this, "My sphincter is brown, my sphincter is round, I am SHPINCTER MAN!"

I am a bit behind the times with movies lately, but Don and I watched Smokin' Aces yesterday and I fucking loved it. I haven't watched a movie in quite some time that I have loved this much. The cast was exceptional, except for Alicia Keys. I am in love with Jeremy Piven and Ryan Reynolds. I loved that the movie was funny, violent, and touching all at the same time!

But it does bring out a pet peeve of mine....crossover to acting from singing! Alicia Keys is far from an actress...even a mediocre one. Can't we leave the acting to actors...and have rappers and singers stop taking roles that would be better played by someone else! Movies that were ruined because of this: Queen of the Damned - staring Aaliyah...glad your dead...you suck! I can't stand this type of casting! There are numerous movies that have been ruined for me just by the appearance of crappy casted crossover fuckers! But I was able to get over Keys in Smokin' Aces...and loved it anyway! Highly recommend! The Tremor Brothers were rock on awesomely hilarious!

FYI: I posted a few more pictures at A Thousand Words!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Nice Ass!

I love wine, it's my libation of choice! I am definitely not a connoisseur of wines by any means. I occasionally pick out a bottle of wine just by the coolness factor of the label! I found this one and loved it..and the wine was decent too...bonus boner!