Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

The CIA is Following Me!

I haven't had any really fun and interesting train stories for you all in a while and I thought that maybe my days of crazies, perverts and blind people were over. But no, don't worry, there was one this morning that tops the cake and takes the gold medal for insane train passenger of the year.

The woman gets on the crowded train, looking quite normal (her hair was a wreck, but whatever, we can't all be perfect) and starts yelling out, "They gots guns on me. Them CIA and FBI peoples be following me with GUNS!" Everyone on the train is staring at her while she walks up and down the isle yelling about, "Them cameras be everywhere, they watching us. They know what we's all looks like and they gots our picture. Them CIA mutha fuckas gots guns on all of us, they following me. I gonna get a law suit on them. They tried to kidnap me in my sleep, so I gonna sue 'em."
At this point a young hoodlum boy tells her to, "shut the hell up and sit yo fat ass down, you crazy ass bitch!" The woman gets right up in this man's face and starts yelling, "You one of them ain'tcha! You got a gun in your bag boy? Just try and kidnap me, I will sue you and get your money." It was hard for me to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud.
The woman went on and on and at every stop the train made, she would wave her hands towards window and say, "I know you see me! Hello CIA and FBI, I knows you watching me! I know you have guns pointed at me, but you can't shoot me cause I gonna sue you and get all yo money."
At the next stop, another young man gets on the train, he is dressed very nicely and looks like a really stand up citizen and the woman starts shrieking and screeching, "He's got a gun in his bag!" Now since the man just got on the train he doesn't know that she has been crazy like this since she got on, so he gets really nervous and keeps trying to tell her that he doesn't have a gun. Someone yells out to him, "The bitch is fucking nuts dude, relax, she is just insane and has been yelling like this for 20 minutes."
We get to the stop where the police department does security sweeps of the train with bomb dogs (they do this every single day at the same exact stop) and the conductor announces that, "We will be stopping momentarily for our routine security sweep." The woman losses it and goes balls to the wall crazy, she runs off the train screaming, "They gonna get me! Them got guns on me, America has guns on me." So of course the police dogs start barking like mad and the police officers go running after her and the train erupts in uproarious laughter. I couldn't stop laughing at this crazy woman!

I just wish I had a recorder so that I could have taped what that woman was saying. She said some other pretty funny shit, but I just couldn't remember it all. Now I know that I need to keep a recorder in my purse in case of incidents like this!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

What A Vain Bitch!

Meet the lovely bride and groom!
Here's their wedding cake! A bit creepy, don't you think?
I wonder what she tastes like???
Probably tastes like a vain bitch!

Friday, October 19, 2007


I have never understood the attraction to oysters. They are slimy, gritty and just gross looking, and that slurping sound that your mouth makes when the oyster slides in...barf! Oysters are one of the most popular aphrodisiacs, but I will take a pass? There is an oyster fest going on in Chicago today, right by my building, and I think I may vomit soon because of the smell of rotting sea creature wafting around.

I find it rather disturbing that many people think oysters are an aphrodisiac in part because of the resemblance they have to the vagina...I don't know about the rest of you girls, but my vagina doesn't look like that! Rhino horn is also an aphrodisiac, mostly because it resembles the penis, but I am not quite sure I would enjoy a penis that sharp and pointy!

My goal for today is to avoid Oyster Fest and the rotting vagina slime that is all over the street! I hope everyone has a great weekend...go get your rocks off with some rhino horn and oyster!

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: The word "aphrodisiac" came about when Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell and promptly gave birth to Eros. Because Aphrodite was said to be born from the sea, many types of seafood have reputations as aphrodisiacs.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

No Hand Job's For Me!

No more's my gash!

Here's what my thumb looks like exactly one week after I sliced it! Needless to say...I have lost lots of income over the last week since my hand job sales have dramatically decreased. If only I was more coordinated with my left hand!

Woman & Money!

I found this article today and at first I thought it was pretty sweet, but then when I thought about it a bit really made me mad. Woman can be so hypocritical at times and not even realize it.

For the first time, women in their 20's are making more money than their male peers in Chicago and other big cities. These same women, also trying to date and find relationships, and their financial superiority doesn't always go over well with either sex in the dating scene. One woman said "I've come to the conclusion that if I have to pay for you, you ain't a man." As much as women strive for financial independence, convention often trumps feminism in the dating world, where the man still is expected to be the dominant, or at least equal, partner. Woman in their 20's are making about 7 percent more than their male counterparts in the Chicago area. After reading that fucking bitches quote...I wanted nothing more than to punch her teeth out. What an ignorant thing to say! That woman is embarrassing to vagina's everywhere!

"I want someone who wants to take trips to wine country," one woman said. She was complaining that her boyfriend at the time didn't make enough money to be able to afford that trip. Now this same woman would probably EXPECT that her boyfriend spend the money to take her if he was making more money. It's a double standard that woman hold that pisses me off. If you are in a relationship and you make more money, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to completely support that person, but woman should treat their man the same way that they would expect to be treated by a man. If woman truly want to be equal to men, then it's woman who need to drop the gender stereotypes and long standing expectations and bullshit and actually think about the things that they say and how that is perceived.
While the income gap usually doesn't harm established can be strained as women who can afford a certain lifestyle date men who can't. "We all have these gender expectations that are really about how people see themselves as effective men and effective women," she said. "When you have a pool of eligible men who are not doing as well as women, the men may feel they're not meeting the expectations and women might feel that way as well."

Here's my shouldn't matter who makes more money in a relationship. Men need to get over their ego's and woman need to get over the "you're not a man if you make less money" attitude. Woman complain and bitch and moan and whine about how they are not treated as equals to men and all that feminist bullshit, but woman are the ones who need to drop the gender stereotypes...not men. Some woman make more money than some men...good for them, but don't complain when a man doesn't make as much money as you. Woman have been in the situation of getting paid less for the same job, now the tables have turned why can't woman stop fucking bitching! Woman bitch if they don't make as much as men, woman bitch if they make more than what the fuck will make woman happy??? If you want to be treated equally...then you need to expect that there may come a time that woman need to be the bread winners and financially support a man the way that they would expect to be supported if it were reversed.

I am a working mom, my fiance stays at home with our son. It works well and I can't stand this shit. I don't think that Don is any less of a man because he doesn't make as much money as me, in fact, he is doing a much nobler job than I, buy raising our son and being a positive and stable father figure in our sons life. I applaud men who make less than their woman, especially those who are taking the "less popular" road by being stay at home dads.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Wanna See My Gash???

I had an interesting night yesterday...spent four hours in the emergency room getting the gash in my right thumb stitched up. We have a porcelain faucet knob in our shower and I went to turn it and the porcelain cracked and sliced my thumb right open. I have quite a lovely flap of skin hanging off and a deep deep laceration...all the way down to the bone! Hooray for me! The worst part of it all is the huge tennis ball size bump on the side of my head....I fainted! Now, I consider myself a real trooper and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but for whatever reason, fainting seems to be my weakness. In fact...I fainted twice last night...and it wasn't because of the pain! I have no idea what my problem is, I love watching medical shows, blood doesn't bother me, watching an autopsy is a lovely way to spend the evening and I would be a doctor if I liked people better, but I fucking faint! I suppose watching the blood squirt out of my gash to the rhythm of my heart beating was a bit much and I was out cold, clocked my head pretty good on the fucking floor. But you should all be so proud of me...not one tear rolled down my cheek and there was no screaming or whimpering like a bitch while they pulled back my skin flap and cleaned out the bloody fact it was kind of cool to see what your thumb bone looks like! The worst part was the burning shots of lidocaine that they poke your open bloody wound with before you get your stitches put in. Don made the doctor write me a note saying that I should stay home from work today, otherwise, I would have gone in and worked. Not too sore, but a bit awkward. If I can recover from a shattered humours and a c-section...this gash is nothing! It's kind of exciting being a bit incapacitated...Don gets to do all the dishes for a while...and help me in the shower! Now did you boys actually think that I would show off my other gash???

Friday, October 05, 2007


The body of a 41-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself. Police said the roughly six-foot tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device. "I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

I kind of respect this man...and think it's kind of cool! If your gonna off yourself, you might as well do it with a bit of moxie, pizzazz and vivacity!
Patricia Gabrysiak is an idiot! She needed a new sump pump, but she wound up taking a trip to the hospital with severe burns instead. A repairman left the pump and some supplies and also left three liquid-filled containers: a gallon water jug, a liter of water container and a bottle with a ginger ale label. Gabrysiak took a drink from one of the containers, discovering too late that it was filled with battery acid. She is suing the repairman who allegedly left the containers. The attorney for the repairman argues in court that Gabrysiak should not have been drinking from the containers when she didn't know what was in them. The supplies were left in the basement because the repairman intended to return and install the pump the next day.

Being stupid is NOT a reason to file a lawsuit! What a dumb bitch! Why the fuck would you drink something that a repairman left at your house...oh wait...I know why...because your a fucking retard...strike that...calling her retarded is giving her too much credit, she's fucking beyond words! Too bad we can't put her head in the guillotine!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Now That's How You Keister!

Australian Customs Officers pulled Mr. Potato Head's butt flap off and found....ecstasy! I thought Mr. Potato Head had cleaned up his act after that embarrassing incident with the hooker's twat!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


What the fuck is wrong with people who feel it necessary to take dumps anywhere other than in a toilet. I guess there are the occasional "calls of nature" that force you to go wherever you are, however; taking a huge shit from the top of the stairs in the subway is not a good option. First of all, its a subway with no ventilation. It's hotter than hades down there and it's more humid than the rain forest. The air already smells like a fucking disgusting bum infested piss hole...adding a huge pile of steaming shit....DOES NOT HELP! Whoever you are that left that pile of shit in the subway, I hate you...and I want you to die a horrible, miserable death...slow with lots of suffering! And to the CTA employees that find it hilarious to stand around the pile of dung laughing and then walking away without cleaning it up and leaving it there for two days....I hate you...and I want to smear your lazy ass ugly fucking faces in that feces and make you eat it...then you won't think it's that funny! I sent an email complaint to the Chicago Public Health Department today, but I doubt anything will come of it. The subway is already a festering cesse pool of filth, why would this pile of shit change anything! Fuckers!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Look At Her Globes!

Helen Da Silva of Brazil celebrates being crowned Miss Globe International 2007 in Tirana, Albania. Helen beat 40 other contestants at the beauty contest. Her tits look like someone cut a cantaloupe in half and shoved them under her skin, those things haven't even set yet! Miss Globe 2007 certainly has fake globes! I personally think Macedonia should have won...she is way hotter than Brazil!