Thursday, April 27, 2006

Now Hiring - Crossing Guard - Must Be A Beast

Is it a requirement that crossing guards have to be beastly??? They do in fact insure that children cross the street safely (or at least they try), so shouldn't they at least be a little bit nice and friendly? I have now had two incidences with crossing guards in the past month. Now, I know you are thinking that I must be a sucky driver, but I don't think that is the problem...I think it is the sucky crossing guards.

The first incident (not that serious) was a few weeks ago while I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit for work. I take the same route every week so I see the same crossing guards at the same corners. So, I get to 31st and 17th - I am going to be making a right hand turn onto 31st from 17th - and there is a group of children waiting to be crossed across 31st. The light turns green - I wait since there are children ready to be crossed - but the crossing guard is just standing there talking on her cell phone. So, I concluded that they must be waiting for the next light so they can cross 17th instead. I cautiously start to turn...when the beast...I mean crossing guard holds up her sign and yells at me that "You need to STOP!!!" I was a little annoyed at her since she should have gotten off her cell phone and crossed the children immediately when the light turned...instead of waiting till she completely inconvenienced me and everyone behind me waiting to go. I wasn't that upset (since this was the 1st incident with incompetent crossing guards), I simply gave her the bird (along with my best "I am going to kill you!" look) and went on my way.

The second incident (today on my way to work...was a little more serious). I was traveling down Circle and came to the Jackson 4-way stop, there is always a lot of kids around because there are about 3 schools in a five block vicinity, so I am always very cautious. I also know that the crossing guard positioned at this stop sign is a fucking idiot (due to the fact that I have seen almost a dozen children get run down). I was going straight on Circle (making my way to Starbucks) when I came to a complete stop, it was my turn, there were no children anywhere close to the "ready to cross position" and I began to go. The crossing guard (on the opposite side of the street from me) came bounding into the street with her STOP sign gleaming yelling at me to "STOP"! I stopped so now my car was completely blocking the cross walk. The two kids that were "ready" to cross were still a good 25 feet from the intersection. I stayed in the stop position since her sign was still out and she was yelling "Go! GO! GO!!!" I thought she was yelling at the kids, because she was standing in the middle of the intersection with her stupid sign up, so I waited, after all, I didn't want to be arrested for manslaughter after mowing her lazy ass down...since she was in the middle of the fucking intersection! She continued to yell - by now the children had reached the crossing position and were ready to be crossed. I was thinking well isn't this dandy the fucking kids are going to have to walk around my car to cross the street, if she would have just let me go 2 minutes ago...we wouldn't have this problem. She is now holding up traffic (that intersection gets quite congested early in the morning) and people are starting to boil. She then looks dead at me and yells, "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GO!" That was it! Manslaughter charges or not...I was going to run the bitch down! See ya'll later...come visit me in prison...bitch was going to die! I made sure that the kids were still safely on the sidewalk and drove up to her, stopped the car next to her (yes, in the middle of the intersection), and told her (politely) that, "I am going to shove that STOP sign so far up your fat fucking ass that you will wish you for death...cunt bitch!" Yes, I know, I used the nasty "C" word again....I hate that word...however, it is so vulgar that she won't forget me and my aqua blue car! What can I say...I didn't have my Starbucks yet!

When I got to Starbucks, all my killing anxiety has boiled up in the last three blocks and I am now a fricking maniac. I walk in and I am greeted by welcoming, kind faces that make it all okay. I get my drink and I am off to a fun and exciting day at work!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Brittany Spears Sucks!

Recently Brittany Spears beloved son, Sean Preston, fractured his skull, either by falling out of a high chair or because she dropped him (since the tabloids are so willy nilly I am not sure what really happened). I was thinking about what a bad mother and role model she was. How could that happen...a fractured skull...that is serious! If he did fall out of the high chair (which if used correctly is almost impossible for infants to "fall" out of) then Brittany is a moron and doesn't know how to use the restraint system or if Sean Preston was plain old dropped...then Brittany is also a moron. Accidents happen and kids are going to get boo boos, but a fractured skull...come on!

Yesterday, Donovan fell flat on his face when he lunged toward daddy and missed so he fell right through Don's legs and smacked hard on the floor. His new adorable teeth became like a samurai sword and sliced a nice gash between his upper lip and gums. There was some blood...freaked me out, but the little trooper only cried for about 20 seconds and went on to playing like nothing happened. After I called the doctor and my mom, we decided that he was fine and didn't need any emergency medical care (the bleeding stopped almost instantly, he was giggling and playing like normal and sucking on that binky like no one's business). About 15 minutes later, Don and I were still assessing the damage as Donovan got more and more annoyed with his worry wart parents, when he (in a fit of aggravation) slammed his head into my hand. This sounds fairly harmless, if I weren't holding a squeeze tub of Baby Oral Gel. The rounded side managed to be the exact spot that met with the corner of his eye. Donovan is now sporting a black eye! Quite cute however, makes me wonder what the other guy looks like!

So all this has me thinking...Am I a bad mother like Brittany?!? I don't really think so but, I know accidents happen so maybe I should cut Brit some slack.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Cherry Cobbler

We finally decided on a paint color for our living room - Cherry Cobbler. Not the most becoming color name, but we are picking based on actual color...not color names. However, if it was up to me we would be choosing based on color names (my choices included Red Red Wine, Velvety Merlot, Luscious, and Cranberry Zing). Good thing I didn't get my way because those colors would have looked just awful on my walls.

I Know Why I Don't Have Sympathy For The Mentally Challenged!

Now lets not get our panties in a twist because I seem to be mean or unsympathetic to the retarded population, but let me tell you some things that might help explain. I live on a really great street, mostly old folks and a few younger families. I know the majority of my neighbors and can have a quick and polite conversation without annoying me or inconveniencing me in any way.

The neighbors to my south have three foster children (all mentally challenged). I know they are foster children because the adults are black and the kids are white (Children of the Corn - WHITE)! The boy (name unknown) likes to play baseball and football with himself. It is actually quite amusing. Hut hut hut....HIIIIIKKEEEE! Run boy run! TOUCHDOWN! And the winner is.....big surprise....the boy's team...or the boy I mean, since team would indicate more than 1. I actually rather enjoy the boy, he is quiet, clean, cordial, nice and keeps to himself. He never steps foot on our lawn, never throws his balls in our yard, has yet to break a window and is not that scared of our ferocious beagles as they bound down the stairs for potty.

The two girls....are another story.

Crystal and Linda drive me absolutely insane. The common gangway we share is also known as the echo tunnel. They find it necessary to scream at each other, "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now imagine that echo in your best retard voice...makes it so much worse. My favorite thing about my Children of the Corn neighbors is that they like to play beauty pageant and runway show. Now they are not the most striking girls I have seen, and they could stand to loose 20 - 30 pounds (not that I am one to talk...but I don't play beauty pageant). Their signature walk leaves much to be desired and their running commentary and line of questions for the "intelligence" portion is very entertaining. I use to feel bad that I laughed at them and that I purposefully let the ferocious beagles "attack" them (the dogs are actually afraid of them now...they do not look normal...they don't look retarded either, but there is enough evidence to support my retard label).

Now to why I have no sympathy...

Their bedroom window is across the echo tunnel from ours. They NEVER sleep (I am not exaggerating - they NEVER sleep). They like to sing to popular hits such as Brittany Spears, Kelly Clarkson (they have ruined her for me), Sean Paul, Usher, Nick Cannon, Pink, Ciara, Beyonce, and other female and male vocalists that like high notes. Needless to say, at 1 in the morning listening to the Children of the Corn belt out, "Hit Me Baby One More Time" in their best Speddy Eddy voices leaves me angry and unsympathetic to the mentally challenged cause. I know I should blame the foster family for not making them keep the noise level down or putting them in cages so they sleep, but somehow, its the girls that take the brunt of my anger. They are harmless and all around good girls, but I cannot take another summer of the singing.

As I look back at what I have wrote, I am starting to feel a little bad because that was harsh...but then again...they should realize that people sleep at 1 am and that their singing does not produce relaxing lullabies.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Wow...She's Hot!

Has J'Lo been eating her perfume lately...because damn...she looks nasty! I know she has got to have enough money for a bra for those squishy's! And please...stop grabbing your non-existent frank and beans!

Monday, April 17, 2006

Remodeling Sucks

So Don and I decided to take on a project bigger than we had time for. We bought all new furniture and it won't be delivered until May 4th so we decided to paint the living and dining room. Well, there was some ancient ass wallpaper that needed to be ripped down, not so bad. Then there is all the wallpaper glue removal that needs to take place...pain in the ass. We started this weekend, but it is going to take a few days. Then we have to spackel, prime and then paint. I know I will love it when its finished...but right now I just want to move.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Proof Once Again

Once more I prove to everyone that Donovan is the cutest baby in the world!