Friday, June 29, 2007

The Shocker...Revisited!

I think I have some kind of sick obsession with the shocker (click link if you don't know what that is)'s my last post that I did just last month! Is there a 12 step program for this kind of addiction???

Today I came across this picture... That made me spit out my drink on my keyboard, which has since dried and is causing a few of my keys to stick! the tech guys are going to think I am a perv when I ask them for a new keyboard minus the stickiness. Oh, how I love W's classy daughters Jenna and Barbara. Jenna is flashing the shocker loud and proud...while Barbara looks on wondering if her dad has done that to Laura lately!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and uses the shocker with discretion! I know I will!

The Zoo Song

My best friend in the world and I have a bad habit of singing the world's most obscene song...over and over and over again at places where this kind would be wildly inappropriate!

The version that I grew up with is below and I have no clue what the tune is from.

Fuck fuck fuck a duck,
Screw a kangaroo,
Finger bang and orangutan,
An orgy at the zoo!

It's like the song that gets stuck in your head in the middle of a funeral, or during a baptism...I occasionally can't stop singing it while on my walk home from work. We often alternate the verses between us to spice it up a bit. We both worked at an education company and could be found in our joint office singing this lovely tune like a broken record. Once you start you just can't's catchy!

Other versions of the song are:

Fuck fuck fuck a duck,
Screw a kangaroo,
69 a porcupine,
Man i love the zoo?

Fuck fuck fuck a duck
Screw A kangroo,
Missionaire a canary,
This Is the Zoo?

Fuck fuck fuck a duck,
Screw A kangroo,
Masturbate with a snake,
Sunning at the zoo.

Can you think of any more versions???

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Foot Fetish

I have been working in Chicago for almost three months now and one thing that annoys the shit out of me is stilettos.

Now, my understanding of stilettos is that they are enticing and sexy to the male species. They elongate a woman's legs and make her calves look gorgeous, and isn't it every man's fantasy to have sex with a woman wearing only her high heels? Here's my is not the shoes that are at fault...but the person wearing the shoes. I don't understand how if you can't walk in high heels, why on earth you would wear them. There is nothing sexy (even remotely clumsy-sexy) about a woman who can't handle her shoes. When you waddle like a handicapped duck down the street, the last thing on any one's mind is how sexy you are. When you stumble every five is so not hot!
The other problem I have...again it's not the that woman who have fat fucking feet will wear tight strapy shoes and then the fat like pours out all muffin top grosses me out. I have to admit that I find feet a bit repulsive anyway...I am not interested in licking any one's toes or having mine licked. Why would you wear shoes that make your feet look like over stuffed sausages?
It has gotten to the point now that I can barely keep from laughing every time I see these sights...and let me tell you, it happens all the fucking time! I do like high heels, except I make sure that I can physically walk in them. The only exception is if you buy the shoes for the purpose of sex...not for street walking!
One last problem...woman complain and bitch about how much their shoes hurt but continue to buy high heels. You have no right to bitch and complain about your feet hurting as if you were mutilating your vagina, when you purchase those types of shoes and choose to wear them!I have to share this bizarre wish/fantasy of mine...I find myself thinking this whenever some homeless guy walks by. I imagine that this bum grabs my purse and runs off with it...but to stop him I take off my stiletto and throw it at his head, piercing his skull! Is that weird???

There is nothing sexy about a girl who can't handle her heels!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Batman and Bullshit

I got to see Batman!!! Or, maybe it was just his stunt double - who knows! Filming of the new Batman movie has begun and one of the locations they chose just happened to be right outside my office building. They are filming on the Wabash bridge over the Chicago River and had helicopters flying between the was pretty bad ass! I told myself that I was not going to be one of the freaks that stands on the sidelines and, virtually nothing! But, I did. At least I wasn't taking pictures with my phone of the helicopter! People are like nut jobs when there's a possibility of famous people around. Girls were fixing their hair, applying lipstick and schmoozing with the security, hello...wake up...Christian Bale is not going to fuck your fugly ass. The GCPD - aka - Gotham City Police Department for you slow kids...crew was hot! One asked me for a cigarette...very exciting! I wanted to get my camera phone out then, but that would have been embarrassing!

A few of you have been receiving numerous obscene comments from me...but it's not's some fucktard posing as me, using my picture and name. Just an FYI! Sorry for the trouble!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Blog Rating

Online Dating

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

Ass (37x)
Shit (17x)
Gay (11x)
Vagina (4x)
Hell (7x)
Bitch (5x)
Gun (1x)

Fucking (5x)
Sex (2x)
Kill (1x)

That's what they, I thought for sure I used the word fuck a whole lot more! I guess I like a lot of ass! My new goal...get a fucking X rating!

Also, this picture cracked my ass up! Rome has been having some problems with excessive tourist shitting in their streets! So fucking disrespectful...if it weren't for the dude passed out...I would be completely outraged at the pigs that people are...instead...I am fucking cracking up!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Gay Pride Parade Brings Out The Queers!

I could care less if you have a dick and like to smoke the pole, have a twat and like to muff dive, or you switch it up from time to time! Shit, I am even down with you if you dig long as they don't get hurt in the process! Pillow bitters everywhere...I love you!

The pictures below are from the Chicago Gay Pride Parade...
It is necessary for any gay function to include bubbles...lots and lots of bubbles! I am shocked that they are wearing clothes and not head to toe paint on glitter!
It is also necessary for men to cover their teeny-weenies with fake feathers, while giggly rug munching girls look on fearfully at the meaty one-eyed monster! I am scared of the big bald black man to the left of feather dude...he could fuck someones ass up!
The other must have for any gay function is disco balls...not just one...but multiple disco balls and more bubbles! The fun behind this float is that you cannot tell for sure if the human in the picture is a girl, a guy or an in transition! My guess is male dressed as female!This dude got his weekends mixed up...he thought the "Abducted and Probe Me" parade was this week! Dumb fucker!

Friday, June 22, 2007

Why I Am Embarrased To Have A Vagina - Reason #969

I overheard the most annoying conversation between two card carrying vagina members today at lunch and it made me want to run to the doctor and have a sex change! There are many reasons why I hate being lumped into the vagina group: the drama, the gossip, the constant hair/nail/body talk, the weird diet habits, the fashion addictions, the fake tanning, the obsessive boy issues, and many many more. But today's little overheard conversation has got to be one of the biggest things I hate about females. I will be kindly referring to these girls as Tramp and Hussy and to the girl they are talking about as Hootchie.

Here's an exert from their conversation:

Tramp: Oh, me gawd do you know who I ran into the other night?
Hussy: Noooo, like who?
Tramp: Hootchie!
Hussy: Is Hootchie the girl who like slept with FratBoy that night at like the lake?
Tramp: Um, no, but she is like whack too....Hellllllooooo.....I am like talking about my frienemy...Hootchie!
Hussy: Oh!
Tramp: She is like, totally, like my ultimate frienemy! Of all time!
Hussy: Yeah, she is like such a poser!
Tramp: She is llike my number one frienemy!

So, once the frienemy bomb was dropped I choked on my lunch. They were talking loud enough for other patrons to hear them and it was then that I realized that I too had a vagina and needed to get the fuck out of there before they embarrassed me any more!
What the fuck is wrong with chicks?
She's like a friend but an enemy at the same time! I hate this kind of girl thing...why do you think you have so much drama in your have frienemies! I prefer to keep my friends and my enemies line very clear...there is no mixing of the two. I am so glad that I have a small group of great girls that I consider my friends, and a small group on enemies and nothing in between. I am also glad that the girlfriends I do have are nothing, nothing, nothing like these girls that give vaginal members of society a bad name! These are the girls that need to be face fucked so that they will keep their damn skanky mouths shut!

Birth Order & Elevator Trouble

This Tribune article states that a study has found that firstborns are smarter than the rest...yeah! Social ranking among siblings may determine intelligence levels and firstborns are 2 IQ points higher than the the rest.

Hillary Clinton
President Bush
Lindsay Lohan
Marc Anthony
Brad Pitt
Mandy Moore
George Washington
*Most American Presidents are the oldest.

Avril Lavigne
Martin Luther King Jr.
Joss Stone

Mike Myers
Jim Carrey
Halle Berry
Orlando Bloom
Hilary Duff
Frankie Muniz

Laura Bush
Natalie Portman
Charlize Theron
Oprah Winfrey
Rudy Giuliani
Tiger Woods

I am the oldest child so this is kind of article makes my day! It also makes me feel better since today I did a dimwitted thing that made me feel like a drooling fool. I fell into an elevator! Yes, like in the funny movies...I fell into the elevator! My building has been having some problems lately with our elevators, like they haven't been stopping at the correct point making you have to take a step up or down...or just completely stopping between floors and getting stuck. So, the doors open, I wasn't paying attention enough to look down and check...and bam...fell right on my face into the elevator! So so cute I was! The elevator had stopped about a foot short of the landing! Luckily no one saw this and I didn't get hurt...just felt plain stupid is all! If I am the oldest and my IQ is two points higher than my sisters...then they are in for some serious trouble!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Yo Quiero The Chihuahua Back!

Do you remember the Taco Bell dog???

I do, and I miss him...or her! The Taco Bell chihuahua was a popular advertising campaign and mascot used by Taco Bell in 1998. The Chihuahua is a breed commonly associated with Mexico, so are the tacos and burritos they serve (shocking right). In commercials, the dog sometimes depicted as a Mexican Revolutionary wearing a beret or as a bandit wearing a sombrero spoke the catch phrase "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"

FYI: The voice over work for these commercials was provided by Carlos Alazraqui, who also does voices on fantastic shows like Sponge Bob Square Pants, The Fairly Odd Parents, Reno 911, Family Guy and many others.

The dog grew so popular, that toy figures of the dog were produced (yes, I had a few of those stuffed animals that when you squeezed them they said funny shit), and "Yo quiero Taco Bell!" became a recognized phrase of pop culture. The dog also started two other catch phrases, "Drop the chalupa!" - my personal favorite - and "Viva Gorditas!"
The dog was wildly popular, but some Latin Americans accused the dog of being an ethnic stereotype. Taco Bell denied this but stopped showing the dog in advertisements in 2000. I really loved that dog, and loved those commercials. I understand why Taco Bell stopped that campaign (easier than lawsuits), but I really didn't see the problem with them. I am not Latin American, but the food they are selling is Mexican(ish) and chihuahuas also originated in Mexico and are named after Chihuahua the largest state in Mexico. So what is the deal? The commercials were representing things that made sense according to the product they are trying to sell. I am curious what Latin's (and everyone else) thinks about this old advertising campaign.
I want Taco Bell to bring back the chihuahua...anyone want to join my revolution???

Here is a video of the commercials for your enjoyment! Thanks to Yoda's help!

LMFAO! Pictures In The News!

Summer solstice freaks wait for the midsummer sun to rise Thursday over the megalithic monument of Stonehenge on Salisbury Plain, England. People gathered at the 5,000-year-old stone circle to celebrate the summer solstice; the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. I don't want to be mean, but really can't help it....look at the three chicks in the front! If I was that camera person, I would have been laughing so hard that they would have stoned me for fucking with their energy flow! I can't stop laughing...sorry if any of you English chaps reading this were in attendance!

A wolf named Joy plays with a one of her four newborn pups at the Chapultepec Zoo in Mexico City. Doesn't the name Joy seem inappropriate for her??? I was thinking something along the lines of Hell Bitch!

The Amsterdam project to "pimp" the dishes is an initiative of a Dutch artist working with school children in an area of the city referred to as satellite city, inhabited predominantly by first- and second-generation immigrants. I rather like this...brightens things up a bit!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Who Wants To Travel With Me???

I read this article in the Chicago Tribune the other day about the most expensive cities to travel to and it got me thinking about all of my travel adventures. I am so lucky to have had the opportunity to travel to so many different places. I am curious where everyone else has travelled and what their favorite city is? I am tied between Hong Kong, Athens and Prague. I have been to 13 of the 50 listed plus a bunch not listed (I put an asterisk next to the places I have been). I have been to 42 of the 50 US States. I love love love to travel and wish I could do it more...but's fucking expensive!

Here are the top 50 most expensive cities:

1. Moscow
2. London *
3. Seoul
4. Tokyo *
5. Hong Kong *
6. Copenhagen
7. Geneva
8. Osaka, Japan
9. Zurich
10. Oslo
11. Milan, Italy
12. St. Petersburg, Russia
13. Paris
14. Singapore *
15. New York
16. Dublin, Ireland
17. Tel Aviv
18. Rome
19. Vienna *
20. Beijing *
21. Sydney
22. Helsinki, Finland
23. Stockholm
24. Douala, Cameroon
25. Amsterdam
26. Madrid
27. Shanghai
28. Kiev, Ukraine
29. Athens *
30. Almaty, Kazakhstan
31. Barcelona, Spain
32. Bratislava, Slovak Republic *
33. Dakar, Senegal
34. Dubai, United Arab Emirates
35. Abidjan, Ivory Coast
36. Glasgow, Scotland
37. Lagos, Nigeria
38. Istanbul, Turkey *
39. Munich, Germany *
40. Frankfurt, Germany *
41. Birmingham, England
42. Los Angeles *
43. Luxembourg
44. Brussels
45. Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
46. Berlin
47. Dusseldorf, Germany
48. Taipei, Taiwan
49. Prague, Czech Republic *
50. Algiers, Algeria

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

My Ink!

Here are my tattoos starting with my most recent.

This is my 3rd tattoo...the Pisces sign for Donovan. I am planning on having all of my children's astrological signs tattooed in a ring around my ankle. Don drew this out for me so it has his touch as well. Please no comments about the hideous wallpaper and ugly couch patter...its the dogs room so it has yet to get a makeover!
My 2nd was the Leo sign...for me! I actually drew this one out...tough I know, but I wanted it a specific way.
This was my 1st tattoo....If you don't know what it is...I am not going to explain it to you. It is really faded, which I just noticed...I forget half the time that I even have this one! I got this when I was 16 and I still totally love it for so many different reasons. It's meaning to me it is not really the traditional definition of what it stands for.

They are all fairly small, because I am to chicken shit conservative to get a huge tattoo, although I would love one! I plan on putting Don's Aries sign on the back of my heel sometime soon!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Tag...I'm It...and I'm Lame!

I have been tagged by Bubble Eyes. Since I don't follow directions I have deleted the list and will invite whoever wants to be tagged to participate(so far Sarah and Yoda have tagged themselves)! I feel honored to be tagged...sometimes I feel like ya'll forget about me!

What were you doing 10 years ago?
Getting my 1st tattoo!

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Getting my 3rd tattoo!

Five snacks you enjoy:
1. Cashews...I like my nuts like I like my balls...salty!
2. Nachos.
3. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies!
4. Spinach and artichoke dip.
5. Guacamole!

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to (I am changing this to album or artist since I am bad with song names):
1. Everything from Metallica's Black album.
2. Barbie Girl by Aqua.
3. Anything from Kelly Clarkson.
4. Anything from Green Day's Dookie album.
5. Gosh, this is hard...I can't think, I am so lame!

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Buy a huge house!
2. Go back to school.
3. Travel around the world.
4. Invest
5. Invest

Five bad habits:
1. OCD about cleaning.
2. Biting my fingernails.
3. Road rage.
4. No censor between mind and mouth.
5. No patience.

Five things you like doing:
1. Spending time with My Boy!
2. Cleaning
3. Going out with Don, Donovan or my pack o' hos.
4. Playing board games with my girls while drinking.
5. Taking showers with Don at night and talking!

Five favorite toys:
1. Anything that aids in my cleaning compulsion.
2. My motorcycle (just kidding...don't have one)!
3. Wow, I don't play much...I really am lame!
4. My blog.
5. Um, Don's dick...does that count!

Weekend In Review

Friday night Don and I went with Sarah and Josue to the movies to see Ocean's 13...such a great movie! I think it is by far the funniest of the three and had me laughing out loud multiple times. You also can't deny the hot cast. Brad Pitt (hottest of the hot), Matt Damon (who usually isn't smoking hot...but really does it for me in the Ocean's movies), George Clooney (who I don't find hot, but I can see how others think so), Don Cheadle (kind of quirky hot), Al Pacino (bad ass hot), Casey Affleck (much hotter than his bro and funny as hell in the movie), Scott Caan (hot b/c he was in Boiler Room with Vin Diesel), Eddie Izzard (nerd hot), Vincent Cassel (foreigner hot), and then of course Ellen Barkin (the Cougar with the uncomfortable cleavage hot). The two hot guys that accompanied us (Don and Josue) wore matching shirts..not planned! This actually worries us a tab because they may be gay lovers...oh, well...I guess that gives Sarah and I permission to get it on too!

Saturday was spent playing with Donovan in the pool and other random boring house up-keep type of shit.

Sunday was Father's Day and we BBQ'ed up some hot dogs and Italian sausage...which I have to say were fantastic...I do love me a good hot wiener! Later Don's brother Jeff came over and we sat and drank on our balcony for a bit. I polished off a bottle of wine in record time and it was good!

In other news:

* Some at home beer brewer is making a pizza beer. There are no pizza chunks in the ale but the brew does include ingredients and an aroma similar to marinara sauce: tomatoes, garlic, basil and oregano. Beer is gross enough as it is...that just sounds disgusting! So, beer drinkers tell me...does this sound good to you???

* Kelly Clarkson announced that she has canceled her entire summer arena tour because of poor ticket sales and I am really bummed...I had three tickets bitch!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Happy Day!

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day and I wanted to send an encouraging message to all my blog friends!
I don't care if you lick windows,
screw farm animals,
take the short bus,
wear a helmut,
eat dirt,
talk to yourself
occasionally shit and piss yourself...

You hang in there sunshines, you're frigging special to me and I love you!

Grapes and Seals!

Don't they have stylists to tell them what not to wear??? It's like a vineyard exploded!
Look how cute these seals are! They have those soulless black hole eyes...but I would hug them anyway!