Now Hiring - Crossing Guard - Must Be A Beast

Is it a requirement that crossing guards have to be beastly??? They do in fact insure that children cross the street safely (or at least they try), so shouldn't they at least be a little bit nice and friendly? I have now had two incidences with crossing guards in the past month. Now, I know you are thinking that I must be a sucky driver, but I don't think that is the problem...I think it is the sucky crossing guards.

The first incident (not that serious) was a few weeks ago while I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit for work. I take the same route every week so I see the same crossing guards at the same corners. So, I get to 31st and 17th - I am going to be making a right hand turn onto 31st from 17th - and there is a group of children waiting to be crossed across 31st. The light turns green - I wait since there are children ready to be crossed - but the crossing guard is just standing there talking on her cell phone. So, I concluded that they must be waiting for the next light so they can cross 17th instead. I cautiously start to turn...when the beast...I mean crossing guard holds up her sign and yells at me that "You need to STOP!!!" I was a little annoyed at her since she should have gotten off her cell phone and crossed the children immediately when the light turned...instead of waiting till she completely inconvenienced me and everyone behind me waiting to go. I wasn't that upset (since this was the 1st incident with incompetent crossing guards), I simply gave her the bird (along with my best "I am going to kill you!" look) and went on my way.

The second incident (today on my way to work...was a little more serious). I was traveling down Circle and came to the Jackson 4-way stop, there is always a lot of kids around because there are about 3 schools in a five block vicinity, so I am always very cautious. I also know that the crossing guard positioned at this stop sign is a fucking idiot (due to the fact that I have seen almost a dozen children get run down). I was going straight on Circle (making my way to Starbucks) when I came to a complete stop, it was my turn, there were no children anywhere close to the "ready to cross position" and I began to go. The crossing guard (on the opposite side of the street from me) came bounding into the street with her STOP sign gleaming yelling at me to "STOP"! I stopped so now my car was completely blocking the cross walk. The two kids that were "ready" to cross were still a good 25 feet from the intersection. I stayed in the stop position since her sign was still out and she was yelling "Go! GO! GO!!!" I thought she was yelling at the kids, because she was standing in the middle of the intersection with her stupid sign up, so I waited, after all, I didn't want to be arrested for manslaughter after mowing her lazy ass down...since she was in the middle of the fucking intersection! She continued to yell - by now the children had reached the crossing position and were ready to be crossed. I was thinking well isn't this dandy the fucking kids are going to have to walk around my car to cross the street, if she would have just let me go 2 minutes ago...we wouldn't have this problem. She is now holding up traffic (that intersection gets quite congested early in the morning) and people are starting to boil. She then looks dead at me and yells, "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GO!" That was it! Manslaughter charges or not...I was going to run the bitch down! See ya'll later...come visit me in prison...bitch was going to die! I made sure that the kids were still safely on the sidewalk and drove up to her, stopped the car next to her (yes, in the middle of the intersection), and told her (politely) that, "I am going to shove that STOP sign so far up your fat fucking ass that you will wish you for death...cunt bitch!" Yes, I know, I used the nasty "C" word again....I hate that word...however, it is so vulgar that she won't forget me and my aqua blue car! What can I say...I didn't have my Starbucks yet!

When I got to Starbucks, all my killing anxiety has boiled up in the last three blocks and I am now a fricking maniac. I walk in and I am greeted by welcoming, kind faces that make it all okay. I get my drink and I am off to a fun and exciting day at work!