Thursday, July 26, 2007

Fuck Me!

I know I complain alot about the public transportation and the homeless crazies on my blog...but sucks! Why me??? What did I do in my past life that would require this kind of punishment...I must have been some slave driving queen bitch and now I am getting payback by having to ride the public train everyday! I hate it!

The train has a way of taking my mood from...happy and want to stab someone in the neck and watch them bleed to about 15 seconds. So, I get on the already crowded train and I have to stand, reading my book, and by the next stop the train is packed in air tight...I am basically straddling this sitting man's legs, while people just keep stuffing themselves in the car, pushing everyone closer and closer to each other. At this point the air conditioning is NOT working, every one's hot and sweaty, and personal space has become non-existent. Everyone was literally chest to chest, butt to butt with each other...they should hand out mints before you are allowed on the train...all the mouth breathers make me sick!!! A few stops later...people just keep shoving themselves on, even after the conductor announces that, "There's another train two stops behind, if you can't fit, you need to wait!" But everyone is so determined to pack themselves in that no one can wait! I would have gotten out and waited for the next train, but I was too far into the car to be able to even move, let alone scratch my own nose!

The next stop, a few people get off, and even more try to get on....this woman gets in my face and says, "Move back!" To which my reply was, "There isn't anywhere to move!" She says, "Well, people are trying to get on the train!" To which my reply was, "Well, people need to wait for the next train...there isn't any room!!!" She then puts her hands on my shoulders and shoves me backwards into the man directly behind me...and when I say shove, that actually means pushed me about 1/2 an inch in to the man behind me, since I was already literally on top of him. So, I said, "Keep you mother fucking hands off of me, you touch me again and I will turn your face into fucking hamburger!" I heard another man ask, "Should I push the emergency button?" My reply, "If this bitch puts her fucking hands on me again, you should call the morgue!"

So that ended the problem, and we all packed ourselves back into each other...and a few stops later...I feel the man behind me pitching a tent! He got a full fledged boner that was poking at my! He leaned into my ear and said, "Sorry...this is really embarrassing!" To which my reply was, "'s okay." I know there are a million other things I could have said to him, but honestly, I would rather have someone's sausage in my ass then some cunt bitch putting her fucking hands on me like that!

I fucking HATE public transportation!

Anyway...Has anyone heard of or watched the show Love Me, Love My Doll??? No, well I think we should all tune in because these people are FUCKED UP and it makes for some really entertaining TV. I haven't actually seen the show, but I watch The Soup and it was one of the clips featured...basically the creep-show guy, that still lives with his parents, says, "I think the problem my dad has with my relationship with my doll is that...she isn't...actually...alive." Um, you fucking think! I think everyone on the show should be sterilized! I told that to Don and he said, "They fuck dolls, I don't think we need to worry about them reproducing!" Good point...but still...just in case...they should still be sterilized! The creep show guy also said this while describing his relationship with his doll, "At first is was just sex, sex, sex, but now, we just talk and we support and are there for each other." I was laughing so hard, I almost pissed myself...fucked up people provide the most fantastic entertainment!

I hope everyone has a great day! That dolls name is Jenny!


Kelly said...

OMG!!!!! On both stories!!!! Holy CRAP!!!

What is wrong with that guy on the train? He better get lucky... fast!

and the dolls... wow... that is insane. can they be bent like a barbie doll, kind of??

zen wizard said...

I was hoping that "Love Me Love My Doll" was not about what I thought it was, but alas...

I suppose a car is totally out of the question?

I am really worried about your safety. I mean, now you are being physically assaulted.

(I am not counting the guy with the erection because that lacks the requisite "specific intent." But arguably you were "battered" twice on the same ride.))

Christie said...

That is gross! Really gross. I don't know what would have made me puke first, the close proximity of all the other train riders or the mans boner wedging into my ass. If I won't let the old ball and chain put it there, no one else is gonna do it either.

blog Portland said...

Not only does that doll share your name, it carries your likeness as well. Hopefully you get some referral bonus from Real Doll for the Jenny stalkers who are going to buy one.

Flyinfox_SATX said...


That reminds me of when I lived in Jersey and had to commute to New York via train. I kinda wish I had some babe as good lookin at you that I could have pinched with my boner!


honkeie2 said...

Sorry but I think that guy on the train was me....sorry it happens lol.
But I saw those dolls way back when they firts came out. They even have male ones. I saw a clip of this do screwing one and it looked like he was humping a dead woman. It was life sized and it even moved like a dead or drunken body would.

Yoda said...

Disgusting ... guys having boners and poking random women in the ass? What has this world come to! What a creep! No self control or what? Pitching tent while having fun is cool, but in a packed train, ABS not!!

Regarding the woman who shoved you, you gave her the right mouthful. People like that do need to be sterilized and their faces made into burgers!

Superstar said...

I want the real "man" doll! That episode of Real sex was too much for me...then again I don't have a year's salary for such a "toy"!!!

I am w/ you on the whole public transpo thing. I don't know what the person in front of me touched last? His thing? Her twat and then didn't wash? ~slathers on anti bacterial lotion~ EWWWWW
Nevermind the whole mental image of other stuff!

honkeie2 said...

ps. I was at a marylin manson concert a while back and the same thing happened. Everyone ran to the front (standing room only) and I got sandwiched between two women. Neither of which I knew. I could not have stopped willie even if I had a hammer from trying to escape. But I was able to contain him the whole night. Nothing like loud music, beer, second hand weed smoke and friction to get old rodnet going!

random moments said...

Maybe... maybe you should be that crazy person that everyone steers clear of to avoid. Like wear devil horns and sing Amazing Grace in your worst voice possible. That'll keep 'em from touching you in the train. I'm surprised you don't have nightmares child!

I've seen the regular blow up dolls but NEVER have I seen one as fancy as that. I am SO getting one... ;p (When and what channel does that show come on anyway??)

Brian in Oxford said...

Coulda been worse, Jenny...the guy on the train could have had poison ivy, too!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Point 1. It least you are a girl.
Try being male and having a bloke in a crowded kabab shop getting the horn into your arse.
NOT pleasant.

Point 2. I'm sure I know somebody who has one of those dolls, though possibly not this model, just a crappy one. I really just don't think it can be realistic.
What gets me is this, I can understand that are men who can't meet girls.
But who buys the blow up sheep?

RAFFI said...

what you trying to say: sex with dolls is not normal? as for boners to your butt, at least you said 'that's okay'... you're my kinda woman ;)

-Papa said...

If you carried a couple of those sex dolls on the train you could have given one to the man pitching the tent, and thrown the other at the chump who shoved you.

RevRee said...

I wish I had a real doll named "RevRee, that would be so AWESOME!

Fever Dog said...

Do you think the guy was aroused by you getting all agro with the chick, or because you were all grinding on him and shit?

Sassy Blondie said...

OMG Jenny! I saw that documentary too! Freaky and scary!

AND another OMG-You were manhandled and violated all on the same train? Shit!

Finally, one of my tattoos is of Calvin...

Jenny! said...

The dolls are life like, so they are bendable and posable...not like get her ot fuck you had to break her hips!

It is soooo fucking expensive to drive and park in the city...I live about 2 blocks from a train stop...more convenient and affordable!

The boner bothers me alot less than all the mouth breath in your face, neck, hands...yuck yuck!

Blog Portland:
They didn't put the ! at the end of my I can't sue! Those dolls cost $10,000...they are custom made!

You can poke me with your boner whenever you want...I just can't guarantee that I won't try to hurt you!

I know, they look's the eyes! Having to pose your partner can be hot, but having to hold them inthe positions...while trying no thanks!

I think the guy was genuinley embarrased and freaked out by it, I don't really care, but its kind of gross since there was NO where for me to move!

Thank god his pants were still up! I was more grossed out by the bitch touching on me, then the dudes schlong!

Don't men have a bit of control over the boner???

Random Moments:
Those dolls are $$$$$!!! I could be the crazy person, to keep the crazy people away, but what if I turn into one...and they kidnap me??? I sleep very well...despite the boners and bitches!

Brian In Oxford:
Thanks, I just managed to get that image out of my head and there you go and bring it back!

I hope they don't come out with life like sheep...that would be fucked up! I can't imagine that the doll would be satisfying...and shit, you could order a fucking mail-order bride for cheaper!

The boner to my butt is the least of my worries...i didnt want the woman to turn around and stab me! Sex with dolls is ok...but if you have thet much money to throw you want a real girl???

Good plan...I should have asked the dude what his ideal mate is!

Yeah, then you could talk to it, and play dress up and do her make-up and become a weirdo that talks to silicone!

Fever Dog:
I actually would prefer not to think of it...but i bet it was a combo of both! He probably is into submission S&M!

I love Calvin & Hobbes! I am not usually so lucky to have both things happen on the same train!

George said...

Jenny you're priceless. That story was hysterical. Straddling a guy's legs, hot, sweaty ... were you smiling when you told the lame bitch not to touch you again? ... can you blame any guy for pitching a tent when he is that close to you?

Jenny! said...

I was not smiling when I told her off, I am pretty sure that my face was far far from a smile!

mutleythedog said...

You will be safe from all this when you come to England - don't forget your wellies!!

mutleythedog said...

Do people have sex with dolls?? How big is it???

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Or, if sheep is your thing, find a shhep, surely?
Can't be hard to pull a SHEEP???

Jesus, its just all very odd.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

Honey, if you were hot and sweaty and pressed up against my crotch, my boner would be so far up in you, we'd be naming our baby Amtrak!

MyUtopia said...

The love doll scares me : )

michael5000 said...

Well, at least the dude apologized. You would expect a grown-up to have a little more control over the boner, but maybe he finds crowded trains irresistably erotic. If the internet has taught us anything, it's that there are a LOT of very specific fetishes out there.

Is your dialog with the pushy chick what you REALLY said, or is it what you WISH you'd said? If it's the real deal, congratulations. Very badass.

The [Cherry] Ride said...

I love that you can take a good week's worth of blog material and fit it into a single post. Damn!

Mountjoy said...

"I would rather have someone's sausage in my ass then some cunt bitch putting her fucking hands on me like that!"

I'm pretty sure that was the exact same mantra the Dali Lama was preaching last week...

Love your work.

Paul Champagne said...

Well, at least the guy with the boner was polite about it. You really can't blame him ... it's a natural reaction when in close proximity to such a hott chick.


snowelf said...

God...did he REALLY have to say something about it... I think that just made it worse!! You have had the worse train ride ever today!!

Maybe you should start bringing the Jenny doll with you on the train for such emergencies!! :P


Michael C said...

Uhhhh, I have never ridden on the subway and this may have just guaranteed that I do not ride one for another 33 years.

I bet it was quite a hard predicament for you and him...

Keshi said...

I know wut u mean...PT sucks big time! but I dun drive to the city cos there's too much traffic and parking costs alot. So I catch the train and witness and experience exactly wut u mentioned here Jen...some ppl pick their nose, some talk too loud, some r so rude, some push, some stink etc etc. It takes all sorts of ppl to make this world, unfortunately!


Heart Of Darkness said...

OOoooooooohhhhh.... baaaaad daaaaaay!

hear me chanting mysteriously?

Oh, and teh Real Doll... I saw a documentary on those once... you gotta be pretty fucked up to have a relationship with a doll! But then again, those probably should try breeding small Barbies, because the less they breed with normal people, spreading the madness, the better...

SMARTBuddy said...

"Pitching a tent" on the train! Brrrrrr. Thanks for the laugh!

Gorilla Bananas said...

These sex dolls are getting so realistic that men are falling in love with them. Things will really take off once they invent a pussy that men can fuck safely without a condom. The smart money is invested in sex doll stock.

Akelamalu said...

How did you keep your hands off that woman? Re the man with the sausage? That happened to me once and the bus wasn't even that full! I don't think he had a good excuse do you?

captain corky said...

"I would rather have someone's sausage in my ass then some cunt bitch putting her fucking hands on me like that!"

LOL!!! You should move to Louisville. You almost have to have a car to get around, but there's no such thing as traffic. Here it only takes me 10 minutes to get to work anytime of the day!

I want a Jenny doll. ;)

Jenny! said...

I am already packed, but I may need to have my dildo collection shipped seperatly!

It appears that, yes, some people do have sex wiht's life size!

Well, sheep don't talk maybe that is the wya of the future!

What if it were twins...what would we name the other one?

Me too!

Yes, that's what I said...and my fiance thinks that he should have been able to control that too!

The Cherry Ride:
I have issues with patience...when it comes...i have to post...can't wait!

Thanks...but this is purely for pleasure...the blog...not the random sausage in my ass!

I found it to be quite funny, it helped me get over wanting to kill the bitch! He was very polite and SOOOOO embarrased!

I am glad he said something...otherwise, I think, it would have been even weirder...and its not like he announced it to the whole train!

Michael C: was HARD to not beat that bitches ass!

I know...the nose pickers...gross! Why can't normal civilized people take the train???

Heart of Darkness:
Completely agree...thank god they are not spreading their seed to the world!

Your welcome...i still go back and read your Andre the Giant...the funnies thing I think I have ever read!

Gorilla Bananas:
They are fucking expensive...maybe my new career should be selling sex dolls...I think that would be fun!

Boners happen! The man behind me put his hands between an attempt to make sure i didn't throttle her!

I miss driving to work! Just send me $10,000 and your very own Jenny doll will be deliverd right ot your door step...however; you can only have her for 7-10 days!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

If your mouth is full, you talk less...

Em said...

That doll's name may be Jenny, but YOU are the real doll! :)

Those people on the train were total jerks, by the way.

Mike M said...

OMG, Jenny!! Crazy, nuts and FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!

La Cremiere said...

Nice dollie.
Could you scratch your nose using the sleeves of the mouth breather next to you? He might not notice being too busy trying to inconspiciously touch the arse of the chick next to him.

I love my car even in the jam... :)

La Cremiere said...

oooh I forgot to ask, was he worth it?

cry it out! said...

I'm glad you found my doll. Could you kindly return it? Thanks!

Great post - I love it!


Jenny! said...

Tru dat! Clever dude!

Em: sweet of you! Those people were jerks!

Mike M:
I am a crazy magnet!

Le Cremiere:
Well, the reward for yelling at a bitch, was my ass being, was worth it!

Finder fee required...$5000.00!

Ashley said...

I cannot believe your life. I showed Armin this post and she was convinced you made it up.

If you attract crazy people so frequently, should I, as your friend, be concerned?

Butchie the Minx said...

Yeah, I hung out with the Realdoll company owners, once. They sent me a t-shirt. Nice folks.

Jenny! said...

Tell Armin she should ride the train with me...then she can have boner up her you think she'll believe it then??? I must really love crazy people!

Butchie The Minx:
What did the t-shirt say...I Do Dolls!

electro-kevin said...

On the London Underground it is illegal to pitch a tent. In fact it is illegal to do camping of any sort. Was this phrase 'pitching a tent' a euphamism for something else, Jenny ? I think you ought to explain.

Heart Of Darkness said...

There's an award waiting for you over at my place... :D

Anonymous said...

very good writing but you need to develop your characters a little more to portray the text of the stories----other than that I would consider that you seek out a publisher ------perhaps you could write some more and form a book of short stories, only make them believable good luck

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Anonymous said...

At least once a week something like that happens to me. Last Wednesday I was on the E train and this guy ended up crushed behind me, with his trouser trout crammed right between my cheeks. There was no mistaking what it was because the guy was hung like a freaking Clydedale! As the train bumps along, he gets hard and for 20 minutes, he's basically dry-humping me. We should have had a cigarette afterward. Sure, I could have made a fuss, but who needs the hassle?