Friday, July 27, 2007

I Don't Need No Book!

BAMF's is having a self-help themed meeting in two weeks...we all picked a book from a list put together by we could all help each other and read different books! Since I am not a fan of self-help and think that it is basically bullshit, I decided to pick a book that I thought would be mildly entertaining and also spark some interesting discussion topics at our meeting.

So, the book that I am reading is this...

And it is not even remotely entertaining! In fact, I find it boring and frustrating!

I would like to know who the fuck NEEDS this book? It's not like erotic literature and there aren't even that many why does anyone need to read this? Are we that stupid that we can't figure out that the penis goes into the vagina or mouth...or on occasion...the ass? Are we that boring that we can't come up with our own sexual positions? Are we that dense that we can't figure out what our lover wants?

Basically Tantric sex is the joining of souls kind of stuff, like connection on a whole different level and Kama Sutra is positions that will increase your sexual energy...blah blah blah! I don't need to see Chakra colors to have a fucking orgasm!

It goes into lengthy detail on how to, ok...I can breath without instructions, in's all done automatically by my body...I don't even need to think about it! But breathing, according to this book, is the path to multiple orgasms and staying power for erections...weird...I thought that sex would sustain a boner and that multiple orgasms are achieved through touch...not breathing...shit, if I could orgasm while breathing...I wouldn't be allowed out of my house!

It talks about how massaging your partner is, duh...touching and rubbing on someone sexual! That there are certain ways to touch your partner to make their sexual energy heighten to be guess is that touching a penis will make it "heighten".

It also talks about all this connecting with your inner colors and blah blah blah....dudes and dudettes...its FUCKING...I don't need an instruction manual! And for sure I don't need to read about colors and what they represent...I don't care what color your car interior is...that ain't the point!

I guess I should be nicer, because maybe there are people out there that need instructions on how to use their privates...but really...isn't part of the fun of sex, figuring it all out, experimentation and uninhibited moments with the other person?

The book has a suggestion for all you males...make as much love as you want each week...but only ejaculate once every seven days! Ha ha ha...Tantric sex my ass...that is a serious case of blue balls!

The other obvious suggestion is that both people should experience an orgasm each love session and that it's important to please your lover...what the fuck...pleasure is the whole point of sex!!! The clitoris is the ONLY part of the human body that is designed specifically for purpose but pleasure, what a rough life for the clitoris! And men, if you can't make your woman shouldn't be having sex!

So, I am not going to recommend you read this book...unless you are a retard and don't know where you penis is!


Sassy Blondie said...

Jenny, sometimes you even make me blush! LOL Sorry the book was such a it a PhD that wrote it? Like they are ever getting laid...

captain corky said...

only once every 7 days?!? Sometimes I can't even go 5 minutes!

Paul Champagne said...

Still trying to come to grips with the whole have all the sex you want but only cum once a week ... sounds like a torture from the third plane of hell (is that where the lust sinners go?).

minijonb said...

i love that kama sutra poster you included. it's hott. almost as hott as a pop-up kama sutra book =:-)

George said...

I know a couple of women who practice Tantric sex and it really is supposed to be better ... like having him stay hard for several hours inside you ... sometimes moving, sometimes being still ... dumping his load then coming right back for more.

There is a link on my blog to Gillette ... read some of her posts about tantric sex.

You are a seriously funny woman my friend.

Christie said...

A couple of hours of sex? Really? Is that necessary? I say no. Anyhoo, I picked up The Clitoral Truth a few years back thinking it might actually be a useful book (and the fact that hubby would find it hot that I bought something like that didn't hurt either), but man, what a waste of money. I know what my lady parts are for, where they are, what they look like, and what needs to happen to make them all celebrate. That book went into the garage sale pile faster than a man that hasn't had sex in 7 days can cum. Nice.

Mighty Dyckerson said...

I'm writing my own guide to erotic lovemaking.

It's a pop-up book.

Yoda said...

Hard for several hours? Isn't that called Priapism and aren't you supposed to contact your doctor if that happens? LOL! There are too many Viagra/Levitra ads on TV :-p

Clearly, this book is not for you, but all the PhDs who aren't getting laid! Like me. So sad :-(


RAFFI said...

thanks, i found my penis due to your post.

Nocturnal said...

That book must have been written by a virgin.

Jenny! said...

Oh, don't blush Sassy...we should write our own book together...I bet we could sell like 50 copies!

Only once every 7 days even if having sex...but only cum 1! I think that sounds kind of rough! 5 minutes is perfect amount of time between Star Trek commercial breaks!

I agree that it sounds like torture...and I don't have a penis...I would feel...inadequate if it didn't cum each time!

Pop up kama sutra sounds like a fun read!

Thanks! I really think that it could be a wonderful experience and all, but this book was like a laugh riot...just made for very naive and inexperienced!

I think they are all like that...cheesy as shit! It's kind of scary to think that people don't know about the clitoris!

Can I help you?

In too will get some! You may get some grade A poon in your new town!

You retard! Were you trying ot have sex with your nose again???

Or written for virgins!

Dan said...

I'd to browse it just for the pictures.

Sarah said...

bummer, I picked a dud too, I guess I never really thought I would like self help but I didn't htink it would be this boring.

Wait till you see what I got for you today, I think it will help you teach us all the lesson learned from yoiur text.

Jenny! said...

The pictures were actually very good...they were drawings...and the facial expressions were priceless...some of the woman looked bored as hell...really tempts me to try that!

Please tell me its a bridle!

Ashley said...

I truly cannot wait for bookclub!!! I can only imagine the conversations we are going to have. Plus, if Jeanette dances like a stripper, it is all over. My book criticizes self-help. The chapter on sex if pretty funny. I like it better when we all read the same book.

Steph said...

Haaaaaaahaha! You crack me up. You and I should do "problem pages". You can take the sex questions and I'll take all the rest.

Akelamalu said...

I'll cross that off my Christmas wish list then!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Don't worry, my penis seems to have no intention of letting me forget where it is!

snowelf said...

Yea, remember when I was at that party the other day. SAME KIND OF BOOK. I mean, seriously, it went into this whole biological explanation of how the penis works. If I wanted to learn about that, I'd go back to 9th grade biology!

It also had all these "encouraging" side notes--basically for shy girls. I say if you're naked with a guy, there is NO reason to be shy! It was just boring and ridiculous for a girl like me. Sounds like this book is the same.
We should write a book together, Jenny--Sex Goddesses and Why You Should Worship Them. ;) It would probably be the least boring sex book EVER.


Jenny! said...

She better do a stripper dance...otherwise I will be disappointed! I like when we all read the same too!

I think after awhile we may loose all our "Problem Pages" readers as we are likely to offend all of them!

Good plan...instead but on something like...useful!

Does you penis tap you on your inner thigh when it wants to come out and play???

It's seriously written for fucking idiots! We should write a book, the more illustrations...the better!

random moments said...

*yawn* The idea of reading anything on Tantric Sex makes me tired. If the preparation (reading the instructions) takes longer than the act, I'm over it!