Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Bum Issues!

I love my iPod...but it didn't save me today from the smelly bum on the train! I thought that once I had an iPod my train troubles would be over...but no. This morning a dude sitting behind me tapped my shoulder (now I am going to have to burn my shirt) to ask me for money, now I can't just outright ignore people, that's just rude! I would rather just say "no" and have him be on his way instead of ignoring him. This man was a piece of work...he opened up the "money talk" by telling me these facts about himself:

A. He just got out of prison.

B. He smells.

C. He sleeps on the train.

D. He's can't get a gun.

E. He needs to get back to Kankakee and would like to acquire a gun before going back home.

I didn't give him any money, but told him to "get the fuck out of my face"...just kidding! I was very polite as I thought he might try to steal my brand new shiny iPod and trade it for a gun! He started crying, and at that point my patience and sympathy wore out and I was getting annoyed, irritated and nervous. There were plenty of people on the I knew I would have backup in case there was a need for me to throw down. I flashed my best, "I am in desperate need of saving" look to a large man, who then proceeded to come up to the bum and asked him nicely, "to leave the young lady alone!" So thanks large man...for getting the bum off my ass!

My new strategy is going to be to tell everyone that bothers me to, "suck my dick"...thanks to the inspiration from the skank-nastiest hoodrat of them all....Lil Kim! She has got to be the most ghetto ass ho bitch of ALL time...but I like her...she's fantastically obscene and I love her lyrics...and I am pretty sure that she does have a dick that many a men would suck or rather be forced to suck! So, here's the song "Suck My Dick"...please listen!

It's either going to be telling people to suck my dick or fixing my make-up like this every morning and looking like a scary bitch!

What do you think will be more effective???


Sarah said...

hmmm, I think a combo of both would really do the trick. I think any time you look like you are posing for ANTM and swear like Lil Kim you are for sure going to be the scariest, I mean most bad ass thing on the train.

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Well, if you say "suck my dick" then only creepy men who like trannies will hit on you. But seriously, what kind of person says, "hey I just got out of prison and need a gun?"

Talk about no brains ...

NamesAreHardToPick said...

I think that's the closest to the first comment I've been on this blog!

minijonb said...

i think you should have thrown the bum off the train and onto the tracks. that way you could get 15 more minutes of fame added to your account! =;-)

captain corky said...

How about some good ol' mace? Just spray it in the fuckers eyes next time they ask you for change. That will do the trick. Save the planet! Peace.

Variant E said...

Sadly, I just lost my ipod nano on my plane flight. Imagine wasn't in the lost and found?!?! Sort of like leaving a $250 bill on the plane seat. Like anyone was really going to put it in lost and found.

Stan! said...

My, you and the bums again. Well, I suppose you could have seared the guy's ass with a red hot poker! (Don't tell me you haven't done it before)
In the same situation though I would have shared an alcoholic beverage with the fella and engaged in polite conversation on the issues of the day. Alcohol serves as a "social lubricant" for many folks.Foolproof and fun.

Brian in Oxford said...

I say you tell them to fuck off, and in fact, give you THEIR money....

Nigel St.John Regina Smegmatica Howle-Raines said...

Tell them to suck your dick WHILE you're putting on the scary makeup. That'll scare the bastards away.

BEAST said...

Be pro active girl , dont wait for the bums to target you , home in on them first . Start hassling them for money/sex , this works particularly well , if you shave off one eyebrow , apply your lipstick like your mouth is actually 4 times bigger than it is , make sure you speak in a very loud spectacularly bad 'cockney' accent (See Dick Van Dyck in Mary Poppins) - it will change your daily commute FOR EVER

fatwonkkid said...

the problem is you look like a nice person. if you had this mean scowl on your face they would be less likely to even talk to you.

Bugwit said...

Love the makeup! Ummm PAtty Smythe circa 1984?

I think you need to use the old prison adage every time you enter the bus-just pick up a chair and beat someone unconscious right away and then everyone will think you're crazy.

Even the bums.

Ashley said...

Did you have to throw the Kankakee in there? Hey, maybe I went to high school with him!

Yoda said...

Bums in Columbus would let you be, 'coz every one of them have their own iPod! I think they harass the ones without the white earbuds! You should totally move to CMH!

Large manny didn't ask if you were single and your digits?

Mike M said...

What ever you do, don't say suck my dick. Most guys will try (seeing you as a girl and all).

Don't do the makeup thing either. You're to hot for that.

Just say: "I got AIDS. You want it?

My guess is he will get off at the next stop.

Of course, say it quite enough for only him to hear it or you might clear the train.....but maybe that's not such a bad thing.

-Papa said...

I think the face makeup will work, but also get a coloured contact for one eye so you look like Marilyn Manson. That way when someone taps you on the shoulder all you have to do is give them a look and they'll leave you alone. Of course you could do a double whammy and have the make up and a t-shirt that says, "suck my dick". ;P

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

You meet such interesting people, first sphincter man, now this guy.

You could recruit for a circus.

blog Portland said...

I think that the makeup will only prove relevant should you get forced into some Thunderdome-style fight to the death.

Anonymous said...


I need to take the train... it would make my stories MUCH more interesting!

jungle jane said...

my word you are so lucky he told you he stank!! you would never have known! my word Jenny - your beggars are so much more considerate than ours!

I still think you should have kicked him in the nuts and told him to go fuck himself though.

Anonymous said...

My God-you are terrifying either way.. Sexy but terrifying...

I will buy your clothes should you put them on ebay...

Jeannie said...

Definitely do the makeup...and if you can perfect the Linda Blair Exorcist head turn - do that too.

jungle jane said...

Your internets must be broken Ms Jenny! I totally did a new post!!

Paul Champagne said...

Better go with the suck my dick line ... no way you could ever look anything but beautiful

10 brownie pts for Paul

Jenny! said...

Scary is a good thing too!

Talk about a moron...he wasn't joking either!

Good plan, but that would require me to touch his nastiness...and I am just not down with that!

I would get mace happy and probably be arrested!

Variant E:
That suck major donkey balls dude! Sorry!

No no no...sharing is not an option!

Brian In Oxford:
Should I stop showering and sleeping on the train too?

That would be a combo they would be crazy tofuck with!

You seem to be an expert about you want to share anything with us???

I try ot look mean or evil, but I can't pull it off without feeling retarded! I am approachable and innocent looking...fucking disguise getting the bums on me!

Good plan...but I don't want to actually go to prison!

Sorry, I didn't get the dudes name! He looked older though, and pretty sure he didn't go to school!

Nope...sad right! Bums wiht iPods...thats just not right!

Mike M:
That might work...and its not like I am trying to make friends or find a husband or anything...I will try that and let you know how it goes!

I could end up in the news for that...or the cirucs! Sweet!

I miss sphincter man...I havent seen him...I hope he's okay!

Blog Portland:
That would be cool...How could i not win!

I will trade you...I am sick of smelly nasties!

Jungle Jane:
I should have, I knew he didnt have a weapon...I could have totally taken him down! He was very polite!

No need to buy them...for you they would be free!

Ahhhhh! That would be wonderful! I will need to practice that more at home 1st!

Jungle Jane:
I see it now...I think I was being retarded!

Make it 20!

Christie said...

I hate beggars! I really do. I don't care what their excuse is, it is never going to be good enough for me to feel OK about handing out my husbands hard earned money. Get a damn job, you fucking loser lazyass!

Dyck!! said...

I'm having issues with my bum as well. Could you come over and yank these anal beads out of it?

Lovely song BTW. I think Merv Griffin covered that on an album he did in the 60s.

George said...

How about just being yourself ... your real self and that'll scare the shit out of him.

By the way I loved the line ... get the bum off my ass .. .cute sweetie

Gardener Greg said...

Be very careful saying that Jenny. He might come back with "how much will you pay me to do that?"

I had the pleasure of being approached by a bum at a drive in resturant and getting to see our waitress kick his ass. I think she fingured that if we gave him money it would take away from her tip, She turned into a crazy woman but she got a big tip.

Jenny! said...

Any kind of begging is so not cool...except for begging for sex...then its just fun!

I let you borrow them b/c you said you would use them on me...and now got em stuck! I want new ones now!

Thanks, I try to be cute...most of the time it comes off obscene though!

I would love to meet her! What a bad ass...that will be my by the end of the month...kicking homeless ass!

Just Sayin' said...

I would definitely say both... Because if you wear your make up like that every day people will mistake you for a tranny...

This way when you say "Suck my dick"... People might actually think you've got one!

Em said...

He he, I'd pay you to go out with that get up on...Wicked make up...Scary stuff!

Anonymous said...

I heart my car WAAAAYYYY too much to ever let that happen. Sorry hun.

honkeie2 said...

Make up like that might attarch the kind of women that really do have dicks, so be carefull with that one.
And bums will do anything for money so I dont think that would work.
Ever see New Jack City?
" I'll suck yo dick fo rocks man."

Jeanette said...

Oh my gosh...I know that guy! Last time he told me he was trying to get to Kankakee I seriously got all excited and started to tell him how I have a friend whose parents live there and is going back home tonight. He didn't seem to care about my story as much as he expected me to care about his.