Thursday, August 16, 2007

Jealous Bitches!

All of you have heard about my promotion...right? Well...the last two days have been fucking wickedly horrendous and irritating for me at work! Basically there is a lot of restructuring happening in the Firm and this is causing some widespread panic for some people. I was originally hired and took a secretarial spot immediately instead of floating first, four months ago, which is very uncommon and the other secretaries were a bit pissed off that I got a permanent spot right away and they have been floating for a very long time. It's not my fault that you suck and I rock! So there's a bit of resentment there directed towards me, and now I got a promotion and they are pissed about that too! They want to know why I got the position, and they have been there for years...blah blah blah! I am really tired of hearing how these secretaries have been "wronged" by the Firm and how it's not fair to them....GET A FUCKING CLUE...you are a terrible employee...why the fuck would you get a promotion! I have been here for 4 months and I am well know because of the paralegal and attorneys that I work directly for and the work product that I put out! I have been approached on several occasions by secretaries that tell me, "You are making the rest of us look bad!" I just smile and think..."no, you make yourselves look bad by being frigging morons!" I get complimented on my work quality and how prompt I am...my bosses seem amazed at how quickly I can finish a project. The other secretaries are expert procrastinators...they will leave a project and work on it slowly so that they appear busy all the time. I am the type of girl that would rather get my shit done immediately and then dick around the rest of the time. I am SO not a procrastinator! The other secretaries are incredibly stupid...and total fucking bitter miserable bitches...well, not all of them, but a big portion. They are also old as fuck and have worked here so long that they are scared as shit to be canned because they are basically unemployable anywhere else...not my fault!


I was in the break room today and overheard a conversation about me from two woman sitting in the corner, oblivious that I was in the room. They were talking about how they don't think I should be getting the position, and how there are other "more qualified" people for the job, that I am too new to the Firm to be getting a promotion and a raise, and wondering who I sucked off to get the job! I let them gas bag bitch for a few minutes, and then walked over to the table and said, "So, you heard I got the position in Conflicts? The interview process was really LONG and HARD!" They both simultaneously shit their pants, dropped their mouths open and stopped breathing. I just walked away! Fucking bitches and their shriveled up old twats!

All day long yesterday random secretaries were coming up to my desk and barking at me and being really rude and mean! It doesn't really bother me, but seriously people are so fucking mean...I keep to myself at work and only talk wiht a handful of people, I stay away from gossip circles and just do my job. They are so fucking mean!
I can deal with bitter bullshit coming from bitter secretaries...but my boss is really being a pain in the ass too. She was the one who fought for me to be placed as her secretary immediately, and she is very very particular about things and I keep her happy. She DOES NOT want me to leave and she is making it miserable for me now. She bitched me out this morning about how she misses her old secretary...she's dead by the way...that's how I got the job...no I didn't kill her! She has basically been a ragging bitch...and I was kind of done with all that, so I went into her office and asked her point blank, "Do you have a problem with me? Or is this just misdirected hostility from all of the restructuring?" Her reply was, "I am sooooo sorry (sob sob sob), I don't want to loose you as my secretary and end up with a fucking bitch who doesn't know what they are doing and they will screw up all the systems that you have and then make me miserable (sob sob sob)!" Fucking fantastic....my boss is balling her eyes out...and I just want to kick her for shitting on me all damn day! So we talked it out, she's happy about me getting a promotion, she just doesn't want to loose me...blah blah blah! She has been the most pleasant, complimentary, positive boss ever since! I love being drowned in lavish praise!
I just want to start my new job...so all the bitter, jealous crab apples will leave me alone!
___________________________________
Also, I made eye contact with Morgan Freeman yesterday morning in the building's lobby where they are shooting the new Batman movie! Cool beans! We all had to sign a contract stating something about how we can be filmed and they can use it without paying us...I was like sweet...can I get on Christian Bale's lap then! Then this morning, Morgan was outside my building smoking a cigar with one of the attorneys that I work with. The attorney waved at me, and so I walked up and said, "What up dog?" to Morgan...no, not really...I couldn't really speak at all, just nodded like a fucking idiot! But it was kind of cool, smoking with Morgan!

____________________________________

I guess Elvis died 30 years ago today or some shit...I don't like him or his music...and the secretary that sits behind me proclaimed that she will be playing non-stop Elvis today! FUCK ME!!! I take pity on the first secretary to come up to me today because she will be bitch slapped!

44 comments:

Kelly said...

1. that dog fucking scared the shit out of me when I clicked over!!! holy crap!

2. LOL! I love that you said that to them! Way to go! It is much easier to work with men. I am happy for you. When will you finally be out of the hell hole you are in now?

3. Morgan Freeman rocks. That is so freaking cool! You should have told him how you got your promotion... wink wink... ;-)

Mike M said...

I love the dog!!

Now you are putting your balls to good use! I am proud of you Jenny!!
Swing them hard and often!! To hell with the old hags. Keep on hitting them on the head with those big balls and maybe they will get a clue.

Now I bet Morgan has the hots for you. !!

random moments said...

Shake them haters off girl! You got that position because youdeserved it. I see nothing but the big old nasty green eyed monster in those secretaries. Yep, jealousy! Maybe they should stop worrying about other people and start working on their work performance.

By the way, that dog... I have to go home and change my pants now. Thanks. ;p

captain corky said...

"Elvis was a hero to most
But he never meant shit to me you see
Straight up racist that sucker was
Simple and plain
Mother fuck him and John Wayne"

Fight the power Jenny!!!

Your co-workers sound like a bunch of mindless twats. What would they do if they new that you spent a good portion of the day blogging, because you're so much faster than them? LOL

Ashley said...

At your old job, the only crabbiness you had to deal with was me, and at least I am funny and it was never directed at you! Sorry it is sucking so much.

You smoked with Morgan Freeman! That is so exciting. I would be more excited if it were Christian Bale, but Morgan is cool too. He is God, after all!

I have wept and recovered from Elvis' death. When I went to Graceland in college, I was laughing quite a few times because that place is hilarious. The Jungle Room-are you kidding me? You would not believe the nasty stares I received. That place is a shrine for people. But, Elvis did give me one of my favorite phrases: TCB in a flash. Taking care of business.

Flyinfox_SATX said...

Jenny,

Great post as always. Those other secretaries? Forget 'em. They are jealous. You just keep makin it do what it do!

Batman movie there? How Freakin Cool is That? Obviously, I am into Batman (my favorite superhero growing up). Now I am jealous! Shit I wish I was there.

Congrats on your Promotion! Go out and buy something nice that you can show off everyday to those jealous bitches and remind them of what slackers they really are.

Flyinfox_SATX

jungle jane said...

Fuck its a fucking shitfight out there in Secretary Universe! My god, Jenny! you deserve danger pay. you should go into an industry a little bit less hostile - like the army or something.

*hides in the corner in case one of the secretaries is coming to get me*

Brian in Oxford said...

You need to blast the Living Colour tune "Elvis is Dead" today. Not only will it piss off Elvis fans, but the song freakin' rocks, including a quick rap by Little Richard in it.

Also the lyrics:

Imagine a rotting Elvis in a tacky white jumpsuit. Imagine a zombie Elvis shopping for fresh fruit. You can't, cuz ELVIS IS DEAD!!

Christie said...

Oh, Jenny, fuck them and their moldy old vaginas.

That dog scared the shit out of me, too. Come on, it's too early for that!

-Papa said...

For the people that are haytin you because of stupid made up reasons, don't hate back, just feel sorry for 'em cause they ain't going nowhere.

Your previous boss is an ass for giving you a hard time. If you were her best secretary she should reward you by promoting you, not being an ass and trying to keep you stagnating.

Wow, you got to meet Morgan Freeman. If I was there, I would have asked him what it was like doing "The Electric Company."

Hammer said...

Sorry you are going through that. Sounds like you and I have the same work ethic.

It's great what you did to those bitches in the break room. Your promotion is the best revenge.

Stan! said...

Jenny!those bitches need a kick to the frontal lobe. But remember God has punished them enough –that's why he shrivelled up their twats.Flaunt the fact that you can walk without having your thighs touch. That should piss 'em off!

jford said...

That post was too funny, entertaining and well written for so early in the day.

Sorry to hear that your co-workers are such co-shirkers and complainers. I hate when people become offended and snarly merely because you are competent. I liked the way you handled your gossipy, whiny co-workers and admire the mature manner you confronted your boss - WOO-HOO for you!

Elvis deserves a tribute, but not an all day marathon at work.

So did you make it into a scene in the movie?

Your post would have been perfect except for two small things: (1) Smoking with Morgan was great, but an actual cool conversation would have been spectacular, and (2) You never told us who you sucked off to get the promotion! j/k :)

I hope the rest of your day goes much better.

jford

honkeie2 said...

I know inner office bullshit sucks but I love it. Maybe I am just werid like that. I do not start it or carry on with gossip, I love being the one in the middle of it. I AM AN ATTENTION WHORE! Talk about ME, Gossip about ME, just dont ignore ME. I have never dealt with the kind of bullshit you have but I have had to deal with some crap at one job, mainly because I was sleeping with her, I was still techniclly married to someone else and I did talk back to the boss alot.
If it aint my job screw off, it isnt my fault you are a dried up sexless ice queen whos turns their husban's stomac instead of turning them on. Hell, you couldnt get off and bike let alone a breathing man.
Opps I think I was starting to rant on someone elses blog teehee!

blog Portland said...

Seriously dude. Once you own that place you can enact your revenge on those pruny cunts.

Also, if I could choose any celeb to record my voicemail message, it would have to be Morgan Freeman. Something in his voice just makes me feel like everything is going to turn out OK.

Sarah said...

Girls like that give the rest of us a bad name.

you smoked with Morgan Freeman, that is some cool shit, are you sure the girls are not jealous about that. I plan on talking about you behind your back while your in the room just because of that!

Jenny! said...

Kelly:
Sorry about the dog! I can't wait to work wiht all men! Ha ha about MOrgan Freeman, but since I renedered myself speachless, all that would have come out of my mouth would have been unintelligable!

Mike M:
I Think the dogs cute! I am proud of myself too for not going off and loosing my cool! Morgan is hot himself!

Random Moments:
I like the dog...sorry about your pants and thanks for being very encouraging...I try not to stoop to their level, but thats hard!!!

Captian:
They spend plenty of time slacking...but they dont finishe their work...assfucks!

Ashley:
I really dont get my feelings hurt by all this...its just frustrating! They are so catty...I miss your bitching...do you want my old job!

FlyinFox:
Thanks man...Batman is cool...but I haven't seen him yet...kind of disappointing...I should buy a giant dildo and put it on my desk!

Jungle Jane:
Secretaries are the meanest bitches of all!

RAFFI said...

fk everyone at work that doesn't lick the bottom of your feet. morgan freeman is a badass... especially in 'the unforgiven'. elvis was a hound dog, and all day elvis wouldn't be that bad.. but make sure they don't dress up like fat, side-burned elvis.

honkeie2 said...

I liked the fat elvis, he always made me smile when I imagined him rolling over his fans. Just be glad stage diving missed his time period.
I learned something funny about the Great Elvis......everyone of his songs were written by someone else.....that means he got famous by signing someone elses music???? And we made fun of Poop Ditty, Puffy Comb-over or what ever the hell his name is when he re made all those songs and man a fourtune off of it. Elvis did it first.

The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are killing me!!! LOL Those crabby as bitches need to leave you alone!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

Hey, I bet their blogs are boring too!

Glad to see you're still finding the time!

Jenny! said...

Brian In Oxford:
Thats a great song...good idea!

Christie:
FUcking cunts and their moldy vajajas! The dog rules! I think I am going ot print out his picture and just show them that next time they come up to me!

Papa:
I try not to stoop to the dumb bitch level...but its so so hard. I have done good so far!

Hammer:
I work my ass off so that I DO have time to dick around...but I do a good job! They just cant figure that out! Hard workers unite brotha!

Stan!:
My thights touch dude...but my tits are nice and perky...so I can hold that over them!

JFord:
1. An actual converation with Morgan would have meant that I would have stopped acting retarded!
2. I sucked so many dicks for this job, I can't even remember!
And thanks for being so sweet!

Honkeie2:
Do you fuck office co-workers just to start shit...or is that just a job hazard b/c your so damn hot!

Blog Portland:
Pay back will be a bitch for them! Morgan has a sexy sexy voice...in person too!

Sarah:
Yeah, you can talk about how i am a retard and couldn;t speak to him! THose bitches are the reason why I wish I had a cock!

Raffi:
Morgan F is a badass...but Elvis sucks big fat dick...in my opinion! And they should be lickign my fucking shoes!

Honkeie2:
I dont like any elvis...not even the fakers! Fat bastard! P-Didly Squat sucks mofo ass too!

Jenny! said...

Crushed:
I havent started the new position yet...so i can blog away!

Diva's Thoughts:
Yes, yes they do!

Cece said...

I HATE that dog picture! What is it with bitches trying to scare the shit out of me this week??? My girlfriend, Craze, put a scary ass picture on my MS page & now this??? I think I need to start drinking early today. Wait...let me reach into my desk drawer right quick...

-Papa said...

You won't believe who I saw at the grocery store last night..., I SAW ELVIS!

Of course this is a bad joke, I didn't see Elvis at the grocery store because ELVIS IS DEAD!

ADW said...

Yay! Promotion and Morgan Freeman rocks the shit.

Boo! To the gaping holes of the secrecunts that you have to deal with.

I do like Elvis - sue me, but if someone played it non-stop for a day straight I would have to garrote them with some guitar strings. Here's your Blue Hawaii bitch!

Cappy said...

Don't hold back about the other people at work. Tell us what you really think!

mutleythedog said...

Can't speak now I shall be back later...

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Fuck work. That's what I did.

Now I'm unemployed. So maybe not. But seriously, I wouldn't let it bother you too much. You ain't there to make friends.

Bugwit said...

Tell your boss to suck your dick. Elvis, too.

Nick said...

I've had to fuck the boss to get a job as well.

Don't feel bad sister

Dyck!! said...

My poor sweet darling Jenny! It's time for you to exact some revenge on these old hags. For example, add some Metamucil to their tea and then put crazy glue on all the toilet seats. Or leave dirty messages on their voice mail. Or go to their computers and change the desktop wallpaper to porn photos. Or better yet, just quit and come work for Dyckerson Enterprises as my personal assistant!

George said...

You rock so much sweetie. The old ladies have probably been there doing the same job for 20 - 30 years. Anybody that has to do the same job for that long is basically stupid. Too stupid in fact to be able to look for another job.

I am with you on the elvis. My dog died 30 years ago too

honkeie2 said...

I eye hump many coworkers it makes the day go by. lol

Yoda said...

You're too good to be amidst all those crabby secretaries! Congrats again on your promotion and hope you get to do interesting things at your new job :-)

I love it how you verbally kickboxed the old twats with the LONG and HARD interview! You're one cool ass chica!

TheBirdman33 said...

I tried not to drink the Kool Aid for a long long time, but as I get older, and I dj all different kinds of parties, I can appreciate some Elvis...

The song Suspicious Minds is actually pretty good.

Em said...

Keep your chin up lady...You should feel proud of the way you handled those old sows and your boss - nice one! And having a smoke with Morgan Freeman (second coolest man on the planet) - I am very jealous! :)

SMARTBuddy said...

Dont let the scabby dogd get you down- sounds like youre doing well so just keep doing what youre doing. And Batman! Holy crap that is so cool. My building wouldnt even get Bananaman filmed in it it is so shit.

Jenny! said...

Cece:
Always keep some kind of booze in your desk just in case!

Papa:
Thank the almighty he's dead...He is just annoying!

ADW:
I am going to make name badges for them all taht read: secrecunts!

Cappy:
I will! And I alwasy do!

Mutley:
Too much tit in your mouth?

Cherry Ride:
It doesn't bother me, but its just so annoying!

BugWit:
Will do...But what if she tries...I dont have the gear to back it up!

Nick:
Yeah, it happens...is it at least enjoyable fucking for you?

Dyck!!:
What does the job entail? Is there alot of responsiblitiy or is it just like a BS type of position?

George:
Sorry about your dog! And yes...they have all been her for ages!

Honkeie2:
I would rather burn off my clit than eye humps these fuckers!

Yoda:
Thanks dude!

Birdman:
Elivs gives me the creeps!

Em:
Whos the coolest man then?

Smartbuddy:
Bananaman sounds like a flick that would be filmed in a basement!

Akelamalu said...

I think it's fantastic that your got promoted. I'm like you get the work done then do what I like, unfortunately where I work it's the procrastinators and arse lickers that get the promotions!

Fever Dog said...

Next time you meet Morgan you should totally just rock up and say "What up dog?". He'll love you for it.

Nocturnal said...

Elvis rocks, hands down. Love the guy.

Jeanette said...

I am very proud of you for taking the high road with your boss and confronting her with your issues. I probably would have just stayed pissed at her and left shit (yes, literally) in her desk after she left for the day.
Do you want me to take care of those other bitches at work for you?
You are the coolest person I know now. Not only did you see Mr. Freeman, but you smoked with him! Angelina Jolie is filming her movie now right in front of John's work. Not nearly as exciting, but I still like it.

Sassy Blondie said...

Jenny, just keep your head down and don't engage in their bitchiness. That solidifies the boss's decision in his own mind for choosing you over the stupid bitches that can't be professional.