Friday, June 01, 2007

Crazy Magnet!

Here is a tip for those of you riding public transportation...Do not, under any circumstance, read a book that remotely hints at something religious! The BAMF's are reading Eat Pray Love, which I started reading this morning on my way to work. I read on the train every morning, it gives me something to do, helps me not stare at the lepers, and prevents people from trying to talk to me (at least that's the understanding). Now, of course there are the crazies and the homeless on the train, but it is the Bible banging God thumpers that are the ones that scare the living hell out of me. Here's why!

The crazies will just masturbate, pee, talk to themselves, lick the windows, pick their nose and are generally in mild-moderate schizophrenic states, but they are for the most part harmless and fairly pre-occupied with their imaginary friends too much to bother you.

The homeless will go train car to train car announcing that they need money for food. After no one makes eye contact for about 3 minutes and they have filled their quota of asking at least 5-7 times, they move on. Not too inconvenient to passengers, except for the smell of rotting ass that trails behind them.

Now to the Bible Bangers! They are freaks, not like peace and love Jesus freaks, but 100% unadulterated, need to be committed, tied down and exorcised psychopaths! By the way, does anyone know where I can obtain Holy Water??? They tend to walk up and down the train car preaching to the masses about redemption, the devil (very popular), saving your soul and all sorts of crazy doom's day, every one's going to burn in hell, the devil is in you, kind of shit. They are relentless and get right up in your face and don't let up no matter what you say to them. It makes me so fucking angry...that is so not how Jesus did it! It literally makes me want to spit in their face...leave me the fuck alone, I do NOT want to buy your damn book mark!!! So, back to's what went down:


Me: Sitting quietly reading my book in the corner closest to the air conditioning and the conductor.

BBW aka Bible Banging Weirdo: Standing quietly by the doors and sees that the seat next to me has opened up and decides to pop a squat next to me. She rubs her fat thighs against mine with the body heat of a 500 pound woman emanating through her clothes.


BBW: Whatcha redin?

Me: (Holds up book in response...thinking that if she asked, hopefully she can read the cover.)

BBW: Eat??? Pray??? Oh, girrrrrrllllll, your soulz is gonz be gets to heaven!

Me: (Closes eyes, starts to pray that I am the schizo and she will disappear when I open my eyes up again, she is just a figment of my imagination!) Uhhhhhh, okay! (No such luck...still there...FUCK!)

BBW: Whatch likes to eat?

Me: flteysa ads adsfi jids fuk aadsfa cu jk

BBW: What???

Me: I would really like to read my book now.

BBW: Oh, waz it bout?

Me: (Holds up book and points at page number 8 to show her I just started) Just started, would like to find out!

BBW: I gots me a book I gonna reads now too.

Me: Great! (Fucking finally, shit!)

BBW: You wanz trade? (As she pulls out some 36 point font illustrated religious book)

Me: Nope (Oh, fuck, now I am going to have to spit on her)

BBW: Do yaz thinks me gonna go heaven?

Me: NOPE! (Gets up, walks to door, exits train at Western...would rather deal with gang-bangers and guns right now than crazy lady...pray pray pray...she doesn't get off with me!)
FYI: She was NOT retarded!

WHY GOD, WHY??? Why me, why single me out with the nut jobs? Why test my patience and ability to control my tongue/actions??? Why do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Fucked Up People - Approach Me!!!" Why, God, Why???
Moral of the story, don't read anything even remotely religious on public transportation! I will keep this book for at home reading from now on and bring books like, "Don't Touch Me...I Have Crabs!"
In unrelated news,
please help me welcome new blogger
to blogworld!


Gorilla Bananas said...

Quite whining, you got to feel her thighs. Doesn't "nut job" mean sucking someone's balls?

Ratty. said...

A 'Saturday night special' under your leg garter would do the business. Just pull your skirt up a few inches to reveal your 'Piece', your milky white thighs and that tantalising glimpse of a lace covered pelt, she would be off up the train like a rat up a drainpipe. Incidentally I love a cosy drainpipe.

MyUtopia said...

LOL! I ALWAYS get people harassing me when I take the bus. I have that book on my to buy list.

Sarah said...

oh my we have to ride the train together sometime when the crazies are on. I used to read for school on the train and get tons of looks when I read a book about erotic pinups. hehehehe no bible thumpers then

zen wizard said...

They say part of the appeal of the iPod is the "Don't talk to me I'm doing something"-effect.

Jenny! said...

Probably, and you could take my place rubbin on that womans thighs!

Jenny! said...

Thats a good idea to ward off the Jesus Freaks, it will however attract the attention of the crazies and homeless...I don't want to be tag-teamed on the train!

Jenny! said...

Don't bring that on the have been warned!

Jenny! said...

He he he, you look at porn on the the public masturbators try to borrow it???

Jenny! said...

I thought reading a book had that effect as well! Maybe if you do both at the same time, it would work!

snowelf said...

I totally know what you mean!!! I dread taking my children to the park because some psycho will always come up and just start talking to me about some stupid shit. I don't mind talking to people, but usually when I take my kids there it's because they are too rowdy and full of energy and driving me CRAZY so I want to let them run around while I relax in the sun with a nice book. But can I do that with some idiot yapping at me? No! I have to be all polite and shit.

I say start carrying Wendy's Chili Sauce packets on the train and threaten to spray people with them. I'm sure people are fearing those by now. >:)


captain corky said...

"The crazies will just masturbate, pee, talk to themselves, lick the windows, pick their nose and are generally in mild-moderate schizophrenic states"

This explains me to a tee. Am I crazy?

RAFFI said...

sounds like nyc. love those zealots in the bowels of the city on the subway platforms. they scream jesus. okay. but, then why am i afraid of you and why you foaming at the mouth? i'm still trying to figure out what the "s" stands for in bamfs..... i've got it down to sycamores, sardines, szechuans, salmonellas... please enlighten me.

Paul Champagne said...

I used to love NYC, the subway commute to work was like exploring a new world, complete with various sub-humans. I used to mentally name them. I called your specimen the Bug-Eyed Bible Freak ... I'm sure her eyes bulged out when she spoke about Heaven.

Jenny! said...

What a bummer! I think you're on to something with the chili packets!

Jenny! said...

Of, course you comment on my blog!!!

Jenny! said...

It's like BAMF's...plural...because there are a seven of us!

The foaming at the mouth is God spewing through the person, duh!

Jenny! said...

Here eyes were bugging even when she wasn't talking!

Dan Mega said...

Meh, I've had no issues with religious types. Its the freaking uberleftist dolts who hate me for being a straight white guy that piss me off. The other day I get off the train and this women walks up to me, hands me a flyer, and said "excuse me, sir, but how many times a day to you degrade women?" What a bitch.

Jenny! said...

The things you coud have said! Oh, I would love to have her say that to me! I would have looked up thoughfully and then said, "Well you filthy cunt, this would make it...72 for today!"

Jeannie said...

Well see, I wouldn't have your problem because I'd be the nutcase bothering everyone else - you should try it!

Jenny! said...

Thats a great idea...if you don't understand the nut jobs, you need to become one!

Anonymous said...

We don't get many of the true "fire and brimestone" types here in Babylon by the Bay--unless, of course, they've decided to descend on our wicked city for a convention or something. And then...the best thing you can do is shelter in place, or...go on vacation.

Jenny! said...

Running is somtimes futile, they are usually pretty quick on their feet!

Yoda said...

This is precisely why I sometimes have my iPod headphones on even when the music's shut off. That way I can completely ignore what crazies say to me.

Fever Dog said...

Maybe you can just quietly whisper to them if they don't leave you alone you will gut them like a fish.

Then again, they might try and beat you to it...

briliantdonkey said...


"dont touch me I have crabs"

The only suggestion I could make to be even better is "Don't .......STILL have crabs"

I don't have to deal with subways and such fortunately. I would say prepare a phrase or three in your mind and break them out when needed whether they fit or not.

For example:

"Hey whatchu readin?"

Answer: "shit, I wonder if I killed that guy,"(look at them)"you were there, do you think he was actually dead?"

"Hey whatchu readin?"

Answer #2...."awwwww dammit I think I just wet myself, third time this week! But I'm getting better at least. Got a tissue?"
(dont use this one on the homeless guy)


Jenny! said...

Thats you just leave them in your ears??? I think I would want a helmut to wear instead!

Jenny! said...

Fever Dog:
For me to whisper would require me ot get way way way too close...they probably smell bad and then I would end up vomiting on them, which may actually be a good plan! Thanks!

Jenny! said...

The first prepared phrase is fantastic, i think i will use that one on whoever sits next ot me next, just for fun!