Here is a tip for those of you riding public transportation...Do not, under any circumstance, read a book that remotely hints at something religious! The BAMF's are reading Eat Pray Love, which I started reading this morning on my way to work. I read on the train every morning, it gives me something to do, helps me not stare at the lepers, and prevents people from trying to talk to me (at least that's the understanding). Now, of course there are the crazies and the homeless on the train, but it is the Bible banging God thumpers that are the ones that scare the living hell out of me. Here's why!
Friday, June 01, 2007
The crazies will just masturbate, pee, talk to themselves, lick the windows, pick their nose and are generally in mild-moderate schizophrenic states, but they are for the most part harmless and fairly pre-occupied with their imaginary friends too much to bother you.
The homeless will go train car to train car announcing that they need money for food. After no one makes eye contact for about 3 minutes and they have filled their quota of asking at least 5-7 times, they move on. Not too inconvenient to passengers, except for the smell of rotting ass that trails behind them.
Now to the Bible Bangers! They are freaks, not like peace and love Jesus freaks, but 100% unadulterated, need to be committed, tied down and exorcised psychopaths! By the way, does anyone know where I can obtain Holy Water??? They tend to walk up and down the train car preaching to the masses about redemption, the devil (very popular), saving your soul and all sorts of crazy doom's day, every one's going to burn in hell, the devil is in you, kind of shit. They are relentless and get right up in your face and don't let up no matter what you say to them. It makes me so fucking angry...that is so not how Jesus did it! It literally makes me want to spit in their face...leave me the fuck alone, I do NOT want to buy your damn book mark!!! So, back to today...here's what went down:
Me: Sitting quietly reading my book in the corner closest to the air conditioning and the conductor.
BBW aka Bible Banging Weirdo: Standing quietly by the doors and sees that the seat next to me has opened up and decides to pop a squat next to me. She rubs her fat thighs against mine with the body heat of a 500 pound woman emanating through her clothes.
BBW: Whatcha redin?
Me: (Holds up book in response...thinking that if she asked, hopefully she can read the cover.)
BBW: Eat??? Pray??? Oh, girrrrrrllllll, your soulz is gonz be gets to heaven!
Me: (Closes eyes, starts to pray that I am the schizo and she will disappear when I open my eyes up again, she is just a figment of my imagination!) Uhhhhhh, okay! (No such luck...still there...FUCK!)
BBW: Whatch likes to eat?
Me: flteysa ads adsfi jids fuk aadsfa cu jk
Me: I would really like to read my book now.
BBW: Oh, waz it bout?
Me: (Holds up book and points at page number 8 to show her I just started) Just started, would like to find out!
BBW: I gots me a book I gonna reads now too.
Me: Great! (Fucking finally, shit!)
BBW: You wanz trade? (As she pulls out some 36 point font illustrated religious book)
Me: Nope (Oh, fuck, now I am going to have to spit on her)
BBW: Do yaz thinks me gonna go heaven?
Me: NOPE! (Gets up, walks to door, exits train at Western...would rather deal with gang-bangers and guns right now than crazy lady...pray pray pray...she doesn't get off with me!)
FYI: She was NOT retarded!
WHY GOD, WHY??? Why me, why single me out with the nut jobs? Why test my patience and ability to control my tongue/actions??? Why do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Fucked Up People - Approach Me!!!" Why, God, Why???
Moral of the story, don't read anything even remotely religious on public transportation! I will keep this book for at home reading from now on and bring books like, "Don't Touch Me...I Have Crabs!"
In unrelated news,
please help me welcome new blogger
Blogged By: Jenny! When: 6/01/2007