Thursday, August 02, 2007

They Better Bring It!

I have been asked to be on the Evacuation Team at work and I accepted. I got this hideous bright orange hat, flashlight, whistle and some paperwork (should probably read that)! I am going to be a "Searcher", which means I get to search offices for people in the event of emergency and clear my area by putting sticky notes on the doors after making sure nobody is in that room. I am excited...I know it's weird that I am excited...but whatever!



One of the things that bothered me when I first started at this job was that on every floor the Evacuation Team displays their bright orange hats at their desks so that people know who is on the team...and ALL of them are fucking old ass hags! I was like, shit...if we have an emergency...how the fuck are they supposed to lead people...they can barely walk to use the potty! So I was more than excited to offer my services to the Evacuation Team and add a bit of youth!


I had to go to a meeting this morning about the whole evacuation thing and I am so ready to evacuate people! We watched some boring video and had some dude from the Chicago Fire Department come talk to all of us. As I looked around the room, half the old people on the team were already asleep and drooling...so I got a bit annoyed as it was clear that my building with over 1000 + people was going to have to be evacuated by me and me alone! Whatever...I can handle it...I have a loud aggressive voice!


The fire department guy told us that next week we are going to have our yearly drill that is mandatory for all high rise buildings in Chicago. He told us that last year our building came in second place for the fastest evacuation...how the fuck that happened with these old bags running it is beyond me! The first place building was the Sears Tower, whose occupancy is more than ours, they have larger floors and they are the biggest fucking building...so there is NO way they should be winning! I know this isn't a competition, but rather a way to prepare people in case there ever is an emergency, blah blah blah...but FUCK THAT...it's a competition to me! If we don't kick the Sears Tower's ass next week, I am going to be one sad defeated girl! I HATE to lose!



I am sure that after our drill next week my Evacuation Team hat, whistle, flashlight and paperwork will be taken away from me...I guess I really shouldn't yell at people to get off their fat fucking asses and move their shit before I push them...and I really am sorry about the handicapped lady that I rolled down the stairs...she was holding shit up and we need to win people!


I WILL NOT COME IN SECOND PLACE! You're going down Sears Tower!!!

I really hope none of my coworkers read my blog, because I am sure that they have already alerted the authorities to the psycho chick on the 45th floor!

FYI: I am retarded and put the wrong link to my sisters blog....so go check her out again at EmRocks..I promise it will be better than last time!

36 comments:

captain corky said...

How many cups of coffee have had this morning?

Kick ass Jenny! Take no prisoners.

-Papa said...

Train those MOFO's right Jenny! Carry a web belt full of mace, and on the first practice run spray everyone's eyes on your floor. They'll bitch and moan about the pain but tell them it's to simulate a smoke filled environment and it's for their own damn good. I figure after a few practice runs blinded and in pain, they'll be out the door in no time for the scheduled drill.

Here's some words of encouragement you can use during the practice runs:

For the Men: "MOVE LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR! MY GRANDPA CAN MOVE FASTER THAN YOU AND HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY LEGS!!!"

For the Women: "MOVE YOUR UTERUS IF YOU WANNA SAVE IT! YOU MAY HAVE MENOPAUSE BUT IT'S NO EXCUSE TO MOVE THIS SLOWLY, MOVE IT!!!

And let's not forget, you've been entrusted with the lives and safety of colleagues on your floor, it's a noble thing you're doing, but it's a COMPETITION, and if you don't win the scheduled drill, don't come home. ;P

ADW said...

I, iiiiiiiiiiiii motha fuking hate Sears. I posted about it a while back but they are in a league of dickheadedness and cuntbaginess all their own. I hope you destroy them. Please. For me?

Christie said...

I know you told me you were competitive, but wow, I guess you weren't kidding. Kick their old asses into shape, make them scared of you now. Oh, and when you get fired for pushing people down the stairs and calling people "Fucking old assholes", I highly suggest leaving this job off the resume.

fatwonkkid said...

maybe it is your job to evacuate the geriatric evacuation team...

you know you could sabotage the sears tower evacuation and then you could possibly come in first! i am thinking locking the exit doors up with chains will really screw with their times.

random moments said...

*rolling on floor*

I have an image of you pushing some old bat with blue hair in a wheelchair screaming: I'M THE WINNA BITCHES!!

The Sears Building ain't got nuthin' on you. Word.

Hammer said...

Just stick everybody on thir office chair and have em scoot out.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Putting on an orange hat and searching for people is so lame. Just strip down to your underwear and wait in the lobby, all the men will rush down.

Fever Dog said...

Is it entirely wise to be posting about evacuating large buildings and using phrases like "going down" with reference to them? If you hear a clicking sound next time you're on the phone, that might be why. But I expect full, detailed updates with pictures on your evacuation drill.

And that's the blog for your hot sister, right?
*click*

Sassy Blondie said...

Congratulations, Jenny! I was once on the Search and Rescue for the school I worked at in LA, so most of our mock drills were centered around earthquakes and such. I was the only girl on the S&R team. When I asked why, they said it was because I could remain calm and didn't faint at the sight of blood..oh and that the guys were scared of me.

George said...

For some reason I can see you harrassing .. err ... motivating people to evacuate the building ... slowly and safely, for their own benefit .... how much ass do you intend to kick?

The Diva's Thoughts said...

You CAN NOT let those old farts take your glory girl!!! HAHAHA

Kick their ASSES!

captain corky said...

Hello? Can Jenny come out and play?

michael5000 said...

Yeah, if any of the "old ass hags" read your blog, they could possibly be offended.

I'm sure you will be an awesome evacuater. Remember that everybody, in their heart of hearts, wants to leave their workplace as fast as possible. Tap into that, and you'll whup on da Sears Tower.

Diesel said...

I hope you don't get flagged by Homeland Security for the phrase "You're going down Sears Tower!!!"

electro-kevin said...

Go girl !

Ever considered starting a fire to buck their ideas up ?

Err ... just a thought :-)

bethiclaus said...

Good luck! I can't wait to hear how it goes.

Variant E said...

"You're going down Sears Tower" just might get you a visit from homeland security and a lovely stay in some secret jail for detainees.

Ashley said...

After the pushing and shoving you have experienced on the L, you should be ready to dish it out to others. If I were in your building, though, I'd want to take the elevator. The old people probably get vertigo from going down the stairs. Do you get to have a cocktail hour after this?

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I can see you as having a loud voice.

So, you get to run around herding people out of the building.

I can see that too.

Sarah said...

can you wear the hat and flashlight with nothing else on? That might get people moving...At least you woul dkeep thier attention while talking.

istanbultory said...

Gorilla bananas, you simply haven't been paying attention. By her own admission, Miss Jenny feels no need to cover up down under. Whereas the psycho chick on the 45th floor probably does.
I too have taken a solemn vow to dispense with the constraints of underwear during the Summer months. I have no complaints...

Mighty Dyckerson said...

This is a great idea. In fact, I want you to join my special Ejaculation Team. Your job: Remove all the sperm from Dyckerson's Tower and give them a safe home to swim in. Are you up to the task??

Bugwit said...

Fucking Sears tower jerk don't stand a chance. Fuck, if they ever have a fire, they are all toast!

I'm sorry, is it wrong to root for the fire?

Jeanette said...

First and foremost congratulations on the position. I'm sure you were carefully chosen and I know you'll hold up all of your promises. Do you have to stand across the street like we used to in school. I bet you lose half your floor just trying to cross with the crazy drivers who don't give a lick about pedestrians.

Akelamalu said...

You are sooo brave! Me I'd be first out the door in the event of a fire!!!

Steph said...

Buy a whip and smack their asses down the stairs, handicapped people too.

YOU MUST WIN AT ALL COSTS!!

Good luck.

Nocturnal said...

If I had to do a fire drill in the Sears Tower, I be taking a parachute to work instead of walking down a shitload of stairs.

Cheers

Cappy said...

Yeah! Retarded hot!

Now go kick some Sears Tower ass!

Jenny! said...

Captain:
None...I think that may be the problem!

Papa:
I will use those words of encouragment for sure!

ADW:
Just for you, I will!

Christie:
I am sooooo competetive...and that's a good idea not to mention this employer! Good thing I wont have to worry about working...I;ll be in prison!

Fatwonkkid:
Good plan...but I dont like to cheat to win...it has to be a pure victory!

Random Moments:
Ha! I be screaming that for sure!

Hammer:
Thats a good idea, then I can just push them all down together!

Gorilla:
What about the woman...how can I motivate them to hurry!

FeverDog:
Yep...thats my hot sisters blog! And I dont really think that Homeland Security would take me seriously...at least they havent in teh past!

Sassy:
Scary girls are the shit! I can be pretty damn scary myself...and I LOVE BLOOD!

George:
I will kick as much ass necessary for us to win!

Diva's Thoughts:
Thanks for the support...oh, I WON'T lose!

Captain:
I was so fucking busy at work yesterday...it sucked...I missed everyone! I still havent gotten a chance to get to everyones blog! I am crying sad!

M5K:
Good point, but I think they go slow so that it takes longer...fucking procrastinators...slowing up the evacuation!

Diesel:
Well, what can you do! Bring it Homeland Security...I bet I could beat their asses too!

Electro-Kevin:
Um, that would totally get me into trouble! I am not an arsonist...but maybe I could get a smoke bomb...just for effect!

Bethiclaus:
Oh, I am sure it won't go very well...but I cant wait to give everyone an update!

Variant E:
That sounds very mysterious...secert spot for detainess...do you think they have wine there?

Ashley:
We didnt get cocktails, but we got cookies and shit! Don't you know evacuation protocol....NEVER TAKE THE ELEVATOR! You could get stranded on the fire floor or worse, stuck!

Crushed:
Yep...that's me...a loud herder! People are like livestock when in big groups...I will just need a lasso and a hot poker!

Sarah:
I could do a little strip tease while giving directions...that would shut them all up! Good plan! I will let you know how it works out!

Istanbultory:
Thank you...at least someone is paying attention!

Dyckerson:
If its a competition or if there is some kind of "mission"...of course I will be up for teh task!

Bugwit:
You can root for whatever you want...it's a free country! But, yes...they are going down!

Jeanette:
No crossing guard duties for me...thank god! Once they get out fo teh building...they ain't my problem, they could all go jump in the river for all i Care!

Akelamalu:
Its not really bravery...its more like wants to win at all costs! I have also heard from like half the evacuation team taht if there really was a fire...they would just go...and fuck their responsibilities...I was kind of pissed at that too...don't volunteer for something you arent goin to follow through on!

Steph:
Great idea! I think we should work together - partner up...we would rock the evacuations!

Nocturnal
No Shit...thats a lot of stairs!

Cappy:
Will do man!

istanbultory said...

That Dyckerson fellow is a mine of useful information. He should be an "awesome guy blogger" like Mutley and Crushed.
Miss Jenny, may I proposition you? If I link to this esteemed blog, would you say fit to insert me into... your "pimps and hos" column. Maybe then I could proudly pound the streets of Istanbul in my cool crushed purple velvet zebra pattern trim pimp coat and matching hat.

Yoda said...

Babe, you just need to call, I'm sure at least the able bodied men will come ;-) C'mon show a little leg, and I'm sure you can beat Sears Tower!

LOL!

Hope you're having a great weekend!

Dan said...

I wonder if, like, FEMA or the local fire department has an Evacuation Team?

I need answers people!

Mike M said...

Hey this is so cool Jenny!! I do it for a loving...I mean disaster recovery. I do it on a much larger scale, but it's the people on the line that make the difference of lives being saved and lives being lost. You are a hero in a bring orange hat!!

Jenny! said...

Istanbultory:
Consider youself linked baby...and next time make the proposition a bit more naughty!

Yoda:
I hope you are having an awesome weekend as well!

Dan:
I think I should lead the FEMA team...how could they say no with my enthusiasm!

Mike M:
I would like to contribute whatever help i can! That's cool what you do...your the real hero...not me!

snowelf said...

Jenny, those sears tower skanks ain't got nothin' on you!!

How close are you to Reuters?

--snow