Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Umbrella...ella ella hey!

Dyck!! has requested that I stop using exclamation marks at the end of every sentence I write. That is so much harder than it sounds. I am addicted to ! marks and not using them is not going to be easy. I feel like plain periods just aren't effectively expressive enough for me. When I talk in real life, I talk with expression and feelings so that's why I use them when I write. Periods seem boring, lifeless, and monotone to me. So now, Dyck has challenged me to not use ! marks and I am up for the challenge! Oops! Dammit! Fuck.

Moving on...my pet peeve for the day is umbrellas...well, maybe not the actual umbrella itself, but the ignorant umbrella users. I hate carrying an umbrella or carrying anything extra, just like I hate wearing coats and jackets...I don't like being weighed down or restricted with shit. Working in the city has brought on all sorts of challenges, like walking the streets with ignorant ass pig-fucking dip shits. I don't think it's necessary to have an umbrella when it is barely raining, when it's pouring rain, fine...go ahead put up your umbrella, but when its not even misting...there is no fucking reason for an umbrella you cock mongers. People need to be realistic...it's rain water...not acid. People say it's because they don't want their hair or make-up to get ruined...um, it's fucking hair...It will be okay, and it could probably use a wash anyway after all the fucking AquaNet these fuckers use. I don't care about my hair getting wet, oh well, life goes on. It's the people who are so careless with their umbrellas that piss me off, they walk with no clue about the people around them. When they are stopped at a red light, they will whip the umbrella around, not caring who's eyes are going to be poked out. If you happen to be walking towards one, they will not hold it up a bit higher or even move over on the sidewalk to let you pass without having to duck out of the way. It's so obnoxious...I want to grab the umbrella out of their hands, tell them to bend over, and then stick it so far up their ignorant fat ass that it comes out their mouth!

So, here are my umbrella etiquette suggestions:

1. Unless its pouring rain, you don't need an umbrella...it's fucking water...your not going to melt...shit, the Wicked Witch of the West didn't even melt when water was poured on her.

2. Stop worrying about your hair...it looks like a family of rats set up residence in it anyway, and the water would actually help clean out the stench of old lady ass.

3. Don't wear tons of make-up and maybe it wouldn't run down your face and you wouldn't look like you just gave Bozo a deep throat hummer.

4. Be courteous of others around you...it's possible for you to lift the umbrella slightly on crowded streets in order for other pedestrians to walk past without having their eyes poked out.

5. Don't shake off the water from your umbrella when standing next to someone. People don't appreciate that and it makes them want to throttle you violently.

6. If you can't follow these rules, you can expect me to kick you in the back of the knees, hold you down by your neck and forcefully shove that umbrella where the sun don't shine.

And Rihanna...

I hate your fucking umbrella song...it sucks P. Diddy's syphillis infested dick.

End rant.

Here's a fun quiz I found on someone's blog...What Book Are You?

You're Catch-22!
by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of people.

Take the Book Quiz.


Akelamalu said...

You did well not to use exclamation marks Jenny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I love 'em!!

PS I agree about the umbrellas as far as other people are concerned, but I need mine so as not to ruin my hair and spoil my makeup. ;)

Christie said...

I am totally on board with the umbrellas! I hate them! And I love exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!

captain corky said...

The Penguin is one mother fucker who can handle an umbrella. Have you ever seen him shoot gas or bullets at Batman out of his umbrealla? Good shit!!!

Hammer said...

It doesn't normally rain much here, but all the oriental people use them when walking in the sun. I guess it's to prevent them from loking like crispy duck with orange sauce.

Ass pig fuckers?

Flyinfox_SATX said...

I am also addicted to the !. What can I do. I don't think I would be able to not use them. I would be in withdrawl.

You have umbrellas as a pet peeve, I have clowns. Go figure.


Stan! said...

Feel the hate, Dyck!!!
BTW, Jenny!I have forsaken you for another...Kitty is the lucky lady's name and we have ben joined in virtual matrimony.
As for umbrellas, 'don't need them here in Turkey. The place is as dry as Hillary Clinton's...

Loaf said...

But without the exclamations, how do we get the full effect of your rant? Well, the cursing balances it out I guess, gotta keep up that R rating!

And athough that Rihanna may have pissed us all off after 11 weeks at number 1 here, you can't knock that video. Although you can knock one to that video...

jford said...

I agree with your umbrella rules. However It is pouring in Northern New Jersey today, so the umbrella is a must.

I see your real frustration is with cockmongers! It is bad enough those inconsiderate bastards are unfairly and illegally engaging in the trading and selling of cock, but then they have the nerve to invade your space with an umbrella while presumably attempting to keep their stock of cock dry! It is only publc hair damn it, and a little watering is good for the pubes on at least a daily basis. If you are going to monger cock at least make sure it is clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't hold back with the exclamation points - you are who you are and that is why we like you - even the evil cockmongerers! :)

fatwonkkid said...

while they are being oblivious whipping around their umbrella you could just toss some of your coffee on their back. if they say something you were just dodging there thrashing umbrella...

-Papa said...

"..,Wicked Witch of the West didn't even melt when water was poured on her."
Actually she did. :P

The [Cherry] Ride said...

You didn't mention the worst umbrella offense (or did you and I just missed it?) - those big-ass 6 people umbrellas used by the single, solitary person. Who the hell do you think you are using one that big?

I loves me that "Umbrella" song.

honkeie2 said...

I know where this umberlla issue cums from. I have been into the city a few times during the rain and I have seen these assholes up close. But lucky for me I am tall and dont care about get wet. I have on more than one occasion just about knocked someone over that was using and over-sized golf umberlla. Get a fucking clue, the city isnt to golf course. And since they cannt look up when they are ingulfed in their umbrellas they dont see me until I am right on top of them....and I mean that literally. Its fun knocking ppl over, it brings such a smile to my face. Sometimes I wish I was 8ft tall and weighed 500 pounds. Oh what fun I would have.
oh, I almost forgot...!!!!! ever notice that they look a little like peni

captain corky said...

I'm sending traffic over your way today Jenny.

Airam said...

What a difference between your first entries to your recent entries!!! Way to get your angry on! Sorry I was combing through your archives .. I do that with new people I read.

I can understand wearing an umbrella when it's raining lightly so you don't get wet but I'll never understand wearing an umbrella when it's raining like a bitch. You're gonna get wet anyway, especially if the rain is coming at you sideways.

Dyck!! said...

Good job on the exclamation abstinence! Now I would like you to insert a colon. Or rather, insert something IN your colon. I have something specific in mind...

As for the umbrellas, our lymie friend Stan probably doesn't understand what you're talking about. I think the Brits refer to them as bumbershoots. God, they're stupid.

Sunshine said...

I talk in exclamation points too! It's hard to stop! I need a 12-step program for it! HELP!

Yes, some people don't have umbrella etiquette whatsoever, thanks for posting, if even one person is saved, you've done your job.

Fever Dog said...

I could almost hear you straining against not using the exclamation marks -- well done indeed

Slick said...

So, uh...you're saying my mascara is running??

Son of a ....

I hate that freakin' song probably as much as you do!

Stacie said...

Wow! I could have written this post! I WAY over use the exclamation points for the same reason, and I can't STAND to be weighed down by coats and jackets, and my husband is constantly casing after me with a fucking umbrella. I HATE umbrellas! I will NOT melt, beleive me, I am just NOT that sweet! and that song? I would love to choke the life out of her with an open umbrella ella ella ella! UGH!
Great post!
(do you see what I mean about the exlamation points? I can't stop!)

blog Portland said...

You are so very angry Jenny, but there's something about you that keeps me coming back, much like that Umbrella song I've tried so hard not to like. Speaking of, you may think differently after watching the video.

As for umbrella use, I was far too traumatized by this incident to ever use one again.

Just Sayin' said...

Thanks! Now that song is gonna' be stucj in my head for the next 12 hours...

Under my umber... ella



Damn you Rhianna! Damn you and your catchy and addictive rhyming schemes to hell!

Brian in Oxford said...

Great, I was Dune. I'm too freakin' illiterate to know anything about that except I think Sting was in a miniseries or something when I was in high school.

I can control the exclamation points....but it's the ellipsis dots that get me going...really going....

And thank God I've abandoned top-40 radio, I know not of the Umbrella song.

jungle jane said...




phew. i need a nap now.

Paul Champagne said...

I'm the book "To Kill A Mockingbird" ... but seriously, I love birds and would never kill one. That's what we have butchers for anyway.

Paul Champagne said...


Take That!

Stan! said...

Goddamit Dyck,
We invented the language, we can spell it how we want and we like u's in our words - the spelling was dumbed down in the USofA.
FYI, money is referred to as "goolies" iin Lymieland and if you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"-he will be touched.A large midday meal is frequently followed by a two hour siesta, which we refer to as a a "wank." Keep all of that in mind, Dyck...

RAFFI said...

hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! everybodies doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny! said...

Oh, you make me want to use them so badly...so you like clowns then???

We should start an I hate Umbrellas group and go around sabatoging umbrellas everyehwere.

Yeah, he knows how to handle an umbrella...but he also relies on it help him stand.

Oh, you made me snort at work! So not PC...your my fav.

Clows freak my freak out...and I miss my exclamation marks terribly.

Have a nice virtual life with Kitty, Dyck will keep me warm! When I went ot Turkey it rained non-stop.

So you get your rocks off to Rihanna do you? And it's a NC-17 rating that I am trying to maintain...one step above R baby!

Your totally right, cockmongers are the problem, especially dirty

Ha...good plan...that will teach the bastards!

No, not according to Wicked! And I liked her and don't want her to die!

Cherry Ride:
You complete me! I totally forgot about those monster mother fuckers.

I think that's why I love ! so much...my little upside down penis friends! You are very hands on with fixing ignorance i see...and i like!

Why do you want me to run naked through traffic again????

I think that I am mostly the same, just more of me to love! Teh sideways rain is impossible to avoid!

I am still waiting for my anal beads...my colon has been very emptly w/o them!

I do what i can for mankind...and the !! fast is over!!!

Fever Dog:
It was a fight to not use them!

And your lipstick is on your teeth...that song is the fucking worst.

Your hubby likes ot chase you areound with his "umbrella" huh...I hope it doesn't have a hook at the end!

Blog Portland:
I am really a happy girl...I just like to rant, ya know?

Just Sayin:
Its been stuck in my head all day too!

Brian In Oxford:
Yeah, I use...this...alot...too!

I need a nap from not using ! marks today!

You can kill pigeons...that would be acceptable!

I like it, do it more do it more!

I feel left out now!

I thought a wanker was when a guy masturbates too much?

Yoda said...

I caught the exclamation point bug from you! If you cure yourself, let me know how and I will try! LOL!

Its weird, you need to do so much more to type a !, shift+1, both are so far apart and more prone to making mistakes, still we do it! Every ! is worth it, right?

I hate umbrellas. Period.

See, for unexciting statements like that, a . is totally justified!

random moments said...

I don't mind the exclamation marks. Sometimes I wish there was something stronger to use.

I don't live in a city where most people walk to places, but I am still burdened with ignorant people who don't know the rules. Some people are so far up their own asses they don't realize that OTHER PEOPLE EXIST.

Sassy Blondie said...

Umm, Jenny, my hair is naturally curly and therefore I take exception to the fact that if my hair gets wet, it's just "fucking hair". LOL Just kidding...I usually forget my stupid umbrella!

Mike M said...

Now I'm disappointed in you Jenny! The "!" is you. I say use them!! and Use them often!!!!

Umbrellas ella ella ae ae ae lure us into a false sense of security. I opt for government approved days off when it rains!


Jeannie said...

Hey# you could always begin to use other symbols on the keyboard to get your point across^ That might really start to drive Dyck mad%

I hate other people's umbrellas too unless I need to borrow it.

And my book was Love in the Time of Cholera which basically said I was a slut and even if I loved only one person my whole life (true) my actions didn't show it?!?!?!?! I hate that site.

zen wizard said...

I would like to point out here that the umbrella was originally invented for protection from the sun, and therefore...aw, screw it...umbrellas suck...

zen wizard said...

...but do umbrellas still suck if you are Michael Jackson and have one of those umbrella holder upper dudes?

That would be kinda cool, n'est-ce pas?

I mean, ipso facto of the dude holding up the umbrella not being shielded by an umbrella, you are saying, "I am more important than the umbrella holder. His raison d'etre is to shield me from the very element he is therefore exposed to."

It was this kind of elitist thinking that made the Roman Empire great.

Anonymous said...

You could go naked and carry nothing but a towel? That sounds like a good idea tome...Rihanna should be shot by the way. The song is more than awful...

Diesel said...

I took that stupid test and it said I was the dictionary. No joke. Stupid test.

Earl said...


Paul Champagne said...

I would do it more
But I don't want
to excite you too much

Ashley said...

Screw Dyck, which incidentally he would love! I love your exclamation marks, baby!

George said...

I got a Jurassic Park so there. Seems like you were a little testy today GeeWhiz Jenny. I get on well with umbrellas ... but I am considerate, I only shake them on people who piss me off

You should have negotiated to cut down on the !!!!!, not give them up entirely, after all ... they are you and we just so love you ... (giving your cheek a squeeze)

Irish Mama said...

Umbrellas only bother me intensely when it's my 4-year-old beating me in the thighs and ass with it because he insists on using it for the 10 foot walk to the car from the door.

And I was "Love in the Time of Cholera." A book about unrequited love that is featured in one of my favorite Cusack movies. Perfect!!!!!!


Jenny! said...

Sorry to pass on my ! addiction to you! That key combo comes easy to me than the period does!

Random Moments:
I hate people that don't realize that they don't own the street they are walking on! Glad you don't mind !!!!!!!

Thats my problem too, I would probably use it more often, if I thought to bring it with!

Mike M:
How do I go about geting me a govt. issued day off for rain??? I will us my! all the time!!!!!!!!! Thanks!

Sorry the quiz called you a slut...it was spot on with me! I think that's a great idea using all other punctuation marks to drive Dyck crazy!

They were for the sun??? Oh, hell no cuz that would be too many days of umbrellas! I would hope that any person who had an umbrella holder upper would have one that is respectful of otheres!

I could go naked...that would solve the wet clothes issue...I would LOVE to shot Rihanna!

So that means your boring and know more than necessary! Ha! All quizes and tests are stupid...that;s what makes them so fun!

I do smile...alot actually! I really hope that you can crack a smile every now and again too!

Too late! I am tres excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you do mama!

What cheek are you squeezing??? Jurassic Park is cool! And I could never give up my ! mark! It's very signature Jenny! I may appear testy...often...but I am pretty happy go lucky girl...with a ton of pet peeves!

Irish Mama:
Ha...you son hits you with it??? Thats so cute...in an annoying I want to beat you back kind of way! I have a 2 1/2 year old...so I totally feel your pain!

Angela said...

Oh my God!

You are a riot!

Being written by Heller could be a lot worseQ he is awesome!

Keshi said...

Rocking post Jenny! LOL I laughed so hard!

I know wut u mean...one rainy day, a woman with a brollie nearly poked it in my eyes as she got out of the bus and punched a guy on the head on the way out. Stupid woman! Was it raining inside the bus?

LMAO @Umbrella ella ella hey...


What A Crock said...

lol giiiirrrrllll why cant people just enjoy the rain intead of hide from it??


and i dont know about you but my period is never ever boring. its painful and mostly depressing... but never boring.

Superstar said...

I am Lolita...obsessed with sex...LOL Yep,.Spot on.

Bugwit said...

Personally, I love a well-placed exclamation mark, but I think that your writing is much better this way.

Save the !! for when you really need it!!!


Lucy said...

Umbrellas kinda suck! I actually don't own one for two reasons:

1) No matter what the size (mini or Extra-poke-someone-in-the-eye Large), I always misplace or lose them

2) When you have to use them, they never work correctly

Go figure!

NamesAreHardToPick said...

Did you hear Rihanna's song was no longer number one?

Ah oh, Ah oh, eh, eh, eh, Ah oh, Ah oh, eh, eh, eh.

snowelf said...

Ooo, down with umbrellas!! I hate umbrellas too! I always end up breaking them or forgetting them and they are such a waste of money.
Plus, when we girls get wet we are sexy. ;)

And don't you dare quit using !!'s no matter how much you love dyck. those are totally your thing!!


p.s. Sorry, I like the Umbrella song too, but I still totally hate umbrellas.

The Artist formerly Known as Purpleworms (!) said...

Jenny, I came at Captain Corky's invite and am so glad I did! You captured one of my biggest pet peeves precisely! I HATE people that use umbrellas (improperly)!!!!!!!!!!!! I also ate people who tink they own bjie and walking paths and refure to move over to let others pass and Iate peole wo stop inteir cars to talk wit oter people in cars in the middle of streets so tat they block traffic going both directions! Wo made them Emperors of the day?!?!!? How can one not love a person wo is Catch 22!!?? I'll be back to see what else you dislike!

The Artist formerly Known as Purpleworms (!) said...

Sorry can't type this morning - I meant people who refuse to move over! I hate people who don't correct their typos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny! said...

Thanks for your comment! It could be much worse!

What a crazy bitch...doesnt she know that opening an umbrella in a bus is bad luck?

What a Crock:
I like the rain! And periods are quite fun indeed...or depressing!

Who would have guessed that you were obsessed with sex???

Thanks...I can't make any promises with the ! marks!

Exactly...its so windy in Chicago taht they alwasy break instantly! Not worth the trouble and money!

No, I haven't heard...but that crap was actually no. 1???

Wet girls are hot!

I have many dislikes...so come back often! Ha! I always have typos and rarely fix them in comments...my bad...please don't kick me!

Crushed by Ingsoc said...

I'll not allow people to open an umbrella inside, one of the few superstitions I follow.

Rihanna is a sweetie, however lame her music...

Jeanette said...

I was Faulkner's "The Sound of Fury". I kind of want to go read it now.
The stories really aren't as effectice without the exclamation points. When you said "fuck." It wasn't nearly the same as you saying "fuck!"