Access Denied: Humans Defective

Hey everyone! Check out this great new podcast Access Denied: Humans Defective!

http://www.facebook.com/jenbarbahen?v=box_3&ref=profile#!/pages/Access-Denied-Humans-Defective/117368521620513?ref=ts

What Up Bizzo's!

Wow...I can't believe how freaking long its been since I have blogged. Facebook has become a serious addiction...and I don't know how to stop...at least it's not ghetto ass MySpace!

Merry Fucking Christmas!

Well fuck me....it's been a long long time. I just wanted to drop in and wish you all a very Merry Christmas or Hanukka....and a Happy New Year! I have a TON of bitching all saved up.....maybe I will blog again soon and vent my frustrations. I miss ya'll!

Seether Is Sexy!

Hey folks! Long time...is everyone still out there? I thought that my month plus hiatus was long enough.
I went to a Seether concert last night at The Vic with my girl Sarah, and had a blast! I fell in absolute love with Seether a couple months ago and they put on a fan-fucking-tastic concert. I kind of felt like I belonged more with the "mom" crowd there, you know, the parents that chaperon their younger kids and stay in the back. The average age was probably 20 so I wasn't too much of an ol' bag, but still...felt a bit old. Also, most of the fan base is grungy un-showered nastiness...so I was way over-clean for this event, I should have opted for the week long shower strike so I could be stinky enough to mosh with the "bad-ass" dudes in front of the stage.

This was the song I was most looking forward to hear, but wasn't played....

Will You Lick it???

This Welch's ad is running in People magazines and is really kind of inventive. I saw it and I was like, hmmm, gross...should I lick the paper to taste it? Then I was thinking that someone may have licked it before me, like my mailman...and I DO NOT want to spit swap with my mailman...no offence man, but you are rank! So, since it was sealed and I saw no sign of foul play, I peeled off the taste strip and stuck my tongue out....and....it tasted like rotten grape flavored taint! If that is what Welch's tastes like...I am all set!

Stupid Holiday!

One of the most ridiculous made-up holidays is being celebrated today. So Happy Valentine's Day ya'll!

Auto Show -- Mohawk!

Donovan LOVES cars...so we decided it would be fun to take him to the Chicago Auto Show last weekend. Well Donovan had great fun climbing into the cars and pretend driving! He LOVED showing off his new mohawk to everyone...and everyone loved his mohawk. Several random stangers even asked if they could take pictures of him.

Choke It Down Paris!

It's a slice of pizza Paris...not a cock...you can chew instead of trying to deep throat it!

Oops!

I consider myself a smart girl, I have common sense and I am fairly well educated. However, there are times that I just feel like a fuckard-moron that just fell off the short bus without a helmet on. Now, I am not completely to blame for this...well, I probably am, but I am so going to blame this one on the spell check function in my Outlook email.

I was sending a reply to a secretary at work the other day and this is what it was supposed to say....

Kathy,

I apoligize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Blah blah blah blah....

Thanks,

Jenny

Now this is the actual email that got sent....

Kathy,

I apoligize for any incontinence this may have caused you. Blah blah blah blah....

Thanks,

Jenny

I was more than a little embarrased by the email, but still found it to be completely hilarious after I read and reread the email to all of my co-workers. At least I can laugh at myself...and the secretary didn't mind either...she knows I am not to blame for her incontinence!

Sweet Ass!

Some Catholics are upset by this advertisment that is running for a local Boston health club. I quite like it and I don't see the nuns complaining!

When Bugs Fuck!

This poster is the French attempt for an AIDS awareness campaign. I don't really get the connection between giant insects and AIDS. Is the poster trying to say that insects are dirty so you shouldn't fuck them...especially giant insects that could sting off your pecker? When I think of AIDS, I don't imagine a large arachnid licking me...do spiders even have tongues? And that scorpions pincher's make traditional nipple clamps look tame. So next time you fuck a large insect...wear a condom folks!

Happy Christmas!

Merry Christmas everybody! I know I am a few days late...but better late than never...right? I hope everyone had a really wonderful holiday and was able to relax and knock back a few glasses of spiked eggnog...mmmmmm!

I'm In The Mood to Wrestle!

Spank My Toast!

I have been such a bad bad blogger! I am bending over so all of you can give me a good right hard spanking!

Do you see anything in this piece of toast???

Who You Calling A "Ho Ho Ho"???

Thanksgiving is barely over and already the Christmas bullshit begins! A company that hires Santa's to work in shopping malls has advised its fake Santa employees not to use the word "ho."

Why???

Because "Ho, ho, ho" can be demeaning to women.

What???

An appropriate substitute is "ha, ha, ha." They must be fucking joking??? I am so fucking tired of all this PC bullshit! Why do these PC whore bags need to try and take the fun out of every-fucking-thing? Can't they just leave shit alone? The PC Police ruin every damn holiday, and piss the living shit out of me. All the PC fuckers say that Halloween fosters Satanism, disparages Wiccans and promotes tooth decay, Valentine's Day marginalizes singles, and Thanksgiving glorifies overindulgence and glosses over the ugly chapters of the Pilgrim-Indian story. Oh, fucking well! People enjoy the holidays, is that a fucking crime??? Christmas, by far, gets the most shit of all the holidays combined. All these fucked up rules and regulations about how, when, where and why Christmas should be celebrated so that no one gets offended, fuck that! If you don't fucking like it...too bad, fucking suck it up you bunch of whiny shit mongers! Santa fucking says, "Ho Ho Ho" NOT "Ha Ha Ha" and if I catch some idiot saying "Ha Ha Ha" in my presence...all they will want for Christmas is a body bag! Fuckers!

Vaginas???

I have to apologize to all you dudes that had to look at that hot man ass for so long! So to make it up to you...here are pictures of vagina's!


I have been told that Georgia O'Keefe was not actually modeling her flower paintings after vagina's...but I think she was a carpet licking addict! You have to be crazy to not see the vagina resemblance!

Happy Halloweenie!!!

The CIA is Following Me!

I haven't had any really fun and interesting train stories for you all in a while and I thought that maybe my days of crazies, perverts and blind people were over. But no, don't worry, there was one this morning that tops the cake and takes the gold medal for insane train passenger of the year.

The woman gets on the crowded train, looking quite normal (her hair was a wreck, but whatever, we can't all be perfect) and starts yelling out, "They gots guns on me. Them CIA and FBI peoples be following me with GUNS!" Everyone on the train is staring at her while she walks up and down the isle yelling about, "Them cameras be everywhere, they watching us. They know what we's all looks like and they gots our picture. Them CIA mutha fuckas gots guns on all of us, they following me. I gonna get a law suit on them. They tried to kidnap me in my sleep, so I gonna sue 'em."

At this point a young hoodlum boy tells her to, "shut the hell up and sit yo fat ass down, you crazy ass bitch!" The woman gets right up in this man's face and starts yelling, "You one of them ain'tcha! You got a gun in your bag boy? Just try and kidnap me, I will sue you and get your money." It was hard for me to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud.

The woman went on and on and at every stop the train made, she would wave her hands towards window and say, "I know you see me! Hello CIA and FBI, I knows you watching me! I know you have guns pointed at me, but you can't shoot me cause I gonna sue you and get all yo money."

At the next stop, another young man gets on the train, he is dressed very nicely and looks like a really stand up citizen and the woman starts shrieking and screeching, "He's got a gun in his bag!" Now since the man just got on the train he doesn't know that she has been crazy like this since she got on, so he gets really nervous and keeps trying to tell her that he doesn't have a gun. Someone yells out to him, "The bitch is fucking nuts dude, relax, she is just insane and has been yelling like this for 20 minutes."

We get to the stop where the police department does security sweeps of the train with bomb dogs (they do this every single day at the same exact stop) and the conductor announces that, "We will be stopping momentarily for our routine security sweep." The woman losses it and goes balls to the wall crazy, she runs off the train screaming, "They gonna get me! Them got guns on me, America has guns on me." So of course the police dogs start barking like mad and the police officers go running after her and the train erupts in uproarious laughter. I couldn't stop laughing at this crazy woman!

I just wish I had a recorder so that I could have taped what that woman was saying. She said some other pretty funny shit, but I just couldn't remember it all. Now I know that I need to keep a recorder in my purse in case of incidents like this!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

What A Vain Bitch!

Meet the lovely bride and groom!
Here's their wedding cake! A bit creepy, don't you think?
I wonder what she tastes like???
Probably tastes like a vain bitch!

Aphrodisiac???

I have never understood the attraction to oysters. They are slimy, gritty and just gross looking, and that slurping sound that your mouth makes when the oyster slides in...barf! Oysters are one of the most popular aphrodisiacs, but I will take a pass? There is an oyster fest going on in Chicago today, right by my building, and I think I may vomit soon because of the smell of rotting sea creature wafting around.

I find it rather disturbing that many people think oysters are an aphrodisiac in part because of the resemblance they have to the vagina...I don't know about the rest of you girls, but my vagina doesn't look like that! Rhino horn is also an aphrodisiac, mostly because it resembles the penis, but I am not quite sure I would enjoy a penis that sharp and pointy!


My goal for today is to avoid Oyster Fest and the rotting vagina slime that is all over the street! I hope everyone has a great weekend...go get your rocks off with some rhino horn and oyster!

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: The word "aphrodisiac" came about when Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell and promptly gave birth to Eros. Because Aphrodite was said to be born from the sea, many types of seafood have reputations as aphrodisiacs.