Yo Mama!

Your Mommy Is Angelina Jolie

What You Call Her: Old Lady What people say about yo momma: Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Who's" Your Mommy?

Yum....Coffee

You Are an Iced Coffee

At your best, you are: hyper, modern, and athletic At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty You drink coffee when: you're out with friends Your caffeine addiction level: medium

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

X-Men 3 Is A Must See!

You Are Wolverine

Small but fierce, you're a great fighter.Watch out! You are often you're own greatest enemy. Powers: Adamantium claws, keen senses, the ability to heal quickly

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Don and I saw this movie today and it rocked it hard! It was so much better than the 1st two. I would totally recommed it - even if your not really a fan of that genre!

I'm In Love With A Stripper

Your Stripper Song Is

Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard "Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on Livin' like a lover with a radar phone Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp Demolition woman, can I be your man?" Break out the baby oil, you rock it old school.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Sarah's So Smart!

Congratulations Sarah! You are officially smarter than Jeanette and I.

Sarah's graduation party was so nice! The way Sarah and her sister Noemi are together reminded me of the way me and my sisters are. I am so glad that I am the oldest, you get to pick on the little ones!

Excellent BBQ was served and I got to hold AAA for a while. She is so tiny, I miss Donovan being that small and so holdable. They grow up so fast!

Oh, by the way Sarah, I would totally date you! I will let Jeanette do you though!

The Anatomy Expert

Donovan knows a lot for his age (yes, he is the smartest 14 month old) and never ceases to amaze me. We are teaching him lots of fun things like body parts. He knows head, hands, nose (sometimes), belly button (his favorite) and my personal favorite...nipples! He proudly pulls up his shirt and points right to his little nipples. I love that boy, he's a charmer!

Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba - Cock-Su-Su-Suckie

Happy Birthday Ashley! The big 30...how exciting!

Jeanette, Sarah and I were lucky enough to be invited to Ashley's surprise birthday party at the fun and exciting Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba for a night of good friends and great tapas! We strolled into the really well decorated restaurant and found our party right away. Then we all ordered an array of tapas for the whole table to share, we drank sangria merrily as we made new friends and went home full and happy!

That would have been a nice evening!

Now what really happened...

Jeanette, Sarah and I were reluctantly invited to Ashley's surprise birthday party at the dirty and expensive Cafe Ba-Ba-Reeba for a night of being ignored and treated like outsiders! We strolled into the under decorated restaurant and proceeded into the wrong party room, where we were so nicely greeted by a fugly bitch, "I DON'T THINK YOU BELONG HERE!!!" No shit Sherlock...we definitely don't belong with some stuck-up fat fucking bitch that couldn't find her g-spot if it bit her on her clit. Or so we thought...it ended up that our party was full of some stuck-up bitches, that probably don't even know what a g-spot is. Our gift for Ashley was obviously not appropriate for dinner (pornogamy), according to the evil looks and disgusted glances...but most of them probably lay in bed like stiffs while their husbands/boyfriends poke them with their little dicks (otherwise known as the, "I am too good for fucking...we only make love!" kind of people), so if they don't like our gift, oh well, it wasn't for them anyway! The three of us got to sit at one corner of the table (me in the middle for maximum footsy play with both my girls) next to the rat shit in the corner (very appealing by the way). We didn't want to split the check with the high rollers so we ordered on our own tab. The three of us split: garlic potatoes (about 2 hunks of potato each), meatballs (about 1 and 1/3 meatball each) and five bite-sized desserts (about 2 bites of each). The desserts were pretty good - the best part of the meal (that may be because we played our new game, speed-eat, with them). We tried to be nice and cordial with everyone at the table, however; they didn't seem much interested in getting to know us...I figured that out when we sat down at the table, but it became abundantly clear when the man-bitch completely turned his back to Jeanette and the she-male next to Sarah kept rolling her eyes every time Sarah got a little too close or too loud. My favorite thing was using the employee bathroom because I followed the dumb ass hostess directions to the can...Completely passing up the guest bathroom. The employee bathroom was disgusting (no wonder they have rat shit in the corners) as the toilet was crooked and you had to sit on the stall wall to go! I didn't exactly dislike the experience...Jeanette and Sarah are a blast to hang out with...but being insulted when Ashley's friends wouldn't take our money to help pay for Ashley's dinner...was a wee bit over my tolerance line!

All in all, I had a good time with my two favorite gal pals (the ride home with Ashley was much better than taking the L...thanks Scooter!) and would gladly do it again!

P.S. The valet parking dude grabbing his junk as he walked away from the car, also made it worth all the shunning!

The Bimbo at the Emission Test Office

So, I had to get my car's emissions test done last week, that was fun! For whatever reason I turn into this complete fumbling bimbo any time I am somewhere about my car (repair shop, Jiffy Lube, emission test facilities, etc). I was really nervous because I received a nice letter in the mail from Mr. Jesse White, who was going to suspend my drivers license and vehicle registration if I failed to comply. This was necessary that I passed. I failed the test two years ago because of some piece of shit CO2 censor not working right...$350.00 later...I passed. I didn't have that luxury this time...I needed to pass. I pull up to the place (new location...the fuckers at Hillside closed) and got stuck behind some complete moron who was driving about 1/2 miles an hour. I sped around him cursing obscenities that are not appropriate to repeat...not thinking that I was at a government place and perhaps getting road rage was not a good thing to show them righ now. I pulled into my testing lane (pink warning slip in hand) and didn't even have to wait. The big black guy came up to the car (I peed in my pants already because of nerves) and he asked, "Ha much mals yo gots on dis?" I replied, "None of the lights on my ODB are on!" He said, "No, how many mals yo gots?" I replied, "I drove for about an hour before I pulled in!" He asked one more time, this time find of annoyed, "NO, MALS! HOW MANY MALS YOU GOT???" I thought for a second...."OH, MILES! I didn't know what you were talking about, I thought you said MALS...as in malfunctions!" apparently I do have a few malfunctions...in my brain! He laughed and called the other guy over to make fun of me...made me feel real comfortable...ASSHOLE! After the two men were finished ripping me a new one, the black guy said, "Drive down the lane to the end and stop!" I, wanting to clarify, since I failed my last comprehension test, asked, "ALL the way to the end...like right behind the car?" The Latino man interjected, "Yes, run right into the back of the other car!" I laughed a dumbass laugh and drove off! After I got there...the bimbo didn't stop...I passed the test, but not without making a fool of myself again!

Thank God I passed!

National Condom Week

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Cinco De Mayo - AKA - May 5th - AKA - Sarah's B-Day!

Sarah's one lucky girl for being born on such a fun day! She's so infused in the Latino culture (being born on Cinco De Mayo and dating/screwing a Mexican (he he he...me too - not the born on the 5th thing...the screwing thing)! Joshue made some awesome food, enchiladas with chicken and chorizo, fantastic rice, and beans! Jeanette helped by grating some cheese...she probably didn't help...just made a mess...but we like to make her feel important, so we tell her that she helped! We had a ton of appetizers too...I brought some guacamole (ala Chipotle) and Haley brought a layered dip with chips...very festive! Ashley and Jeanette brought the booze (no surprise there). Sarah's roommates made some traditional drinks (margaritas and daiquiris)...yum! It was a grand ole time at Sarah's pad, which I love and am jealous of! Her cat is super cute too! I agree with Jeanette that the best part of the evening was Sarah opening her presents! I hope she had some fun this weekend! Wink Wink Wink!!!

Now I Remember...

Now I know why I quit blogging for about a month...NO ONE READS OR COMMENTS ON MY BLOG ANYMORE! If there are any lurkers (thanks for the new vocab word Beth) that are reading my blog...please feel free to comment, it would make me feel alot better!

Crossing Guard Hell

After my incident with the Circle and Jackson crossing guard, I have been slightly hesitant to head down that way...however, that is not possible since I live 2 blocks away and that is the quickest and most direct route home. Yesterday morning, after I picked up Jeanette, we headed to work taking our usual route (passing the crossing guard from HELL!). When we got to the intersection and almost came to a complete stop, she waved happily (mockingly) at us from across the street and gave us the biggest smile (evil grin) possible. I am so glad that we can get along after all the other stuff that happened. I know she is just trying to be a big bitch by acting all friendly and buddy-buddy...but really...I wanted there to be more heat there...more anger and resentment...I just love stand offs!!!

Now Hiring - Crossing Guard - Must Be A Beast

Is it a requirement that crossing guards have to be beastly??? They do in fact insure that children cross the street safely (or at least they try), so shouldn't they at least be a little bit nice and friendly? I have now had two incidences with crossing guards in the past month. Now, I know you are thinking that I must be a sucky driver, but I don't think that is the problem...I think it is the sucky crossing guards.

The first incident (not that serious) was a few weeks ago while I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit for work. I take the same route every week so I see the same crossing guards at the same corners. So, I get to 31st and 17th - I am going to be making a right hand turn onto 31st from 17th - and there is a group of children waiting to be crossed across 31st. The light turns green - I wait since there are children ready to be crossed - but the crossing guard is just standing there talking on her cell phone. So, I concluded that they must be waiting for the next light so they can cross 17th instead. I cautiously start to turn...when the beast...I mean crossing guard holds up her sign and yells at me that "You need to STOP!!!" I was a little annoyed at her since she should have gotten off her cell phone and crossed the children immediately when the light turned...instead of waiting till she completely inconvenienced me and everyone behind me waiting to go. I wasn't that upset (since this was the 1st incident with incompetent crossing guards), I simply gave her the bird (along with my best "I am going to kill you!" look) and went on my way.

The second incident (today on my way to work...was a little more serious). I was traveling down Circle and came to the Jackson 4-way stop, there is always a lot of kids around because there are about 3 schools in a five block vicinity, so I am always very cautious. I also know that the crossing guard positioned at this stop sign is a fucking idiot (due to the fact that I have seen almost a dozen children get run down). I was going straight on Circle (making my way to Starbucks) when I came to a complete stop, it was my turn, there were no children anywhere close to the "ready to cross position" and I began to go. The crossing guard (on the opposite side of the street from me) came bounding into the street with her STOP sign gleaming yelling at me to "STOP"! I stopped so now my car was completely blocking the cross walk. The two kids that were "ready" to cross were still a good 25 feet from the intersection. I stayed in the stop position since her sign was still out and she was yelling "Go! GO! GO!!!" I thought she was yelling at the kids, because she was standing in the middle of the intersection with her stupid sign up, so I waited, after all, I didn't want to be arrested for manslaughter after mowing her lazy ass down...since she was in the middle of the fucking intersection! She continued to yell - by now the children had reached the crossing position and were ready to be crossed. I was thinking well isn't this dandy the fucking kids are going to have to walk around my car to cross the street, if she would have just let me go 2 minutes ago...we wouldn't have this problem. She is now holding up traffic (that intersection gets quite congested early in the morning) and people are starting to boil. She then looks dead at me and yells, "GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GO!" That was it! Manslaughter charges or not...I was going to run the bitch down! See ya'll later...come visit me in prison...bitch was going to die! I made sure that the kids were still safely on the sidewalk and drove up to her, stopped the car next to her (yes, in the middle of the intersection), and told her (politely) that, "I am going to shove that STOP sign so far up your fat fucking ass that you will wish you for death...cunt bitch!" Yes, I know, I used the nasty "C" word again....I hate that word...however, it is so vulgar that she won't forget me and my aqua blue car! What can I say...I didn't have my Starbucks yet!

When I got to Starbucks, all my killing anxiety has boiled up in the last three blocks and I am now a fricking maniac. I walk in and I am greeted by welcoming, kind faces that make it all okay. I get my drink and I am off to a fun and exciting day at work!

Brittany Spears Sucks!

Recently Brittany Spears beloved son, Sean Preston, fractured his skull, either by falling out of a high chair or because she dropped him (since the tabloids are so willy nilly I am not sure what really happened). I was thinking about what a bad mother and role model she was. How could that happen...a fractured skull...that is serious! If he did fall out of the high chair (which if used correctly is almost impossible for infants to "fall" out of) then Brittany is a moron and doesn't know how to use the restraint system or if Sean Preston was plain old dropped...then Brittany is also a moron. Accidents happen and kids are going to get boo boos, but a fractured skull...come on!

Yesterday, Donovan fell flat on his face when he lunged toward daddy and missed so he fell right through Don's legs and smacked hard on the floor. His new adorable teeth became like a samurai sword and sliced a nice gash between his upper lip and gums. There was some blood...freaked me out, but the little trooper only cried for about 20 seconds and went on to playing like nothing happened. After I called the doctor and my mom, we decided that he was fine and didn't need any emergency medical care (the bleeding stopped almost instantly, he was giggling and playing like normal and sucking on that binky like no one's business). About 15 minutes later, Don and I were still assessing the damage as Donovan got more and more annoyed with his worry wart parents, when he (in a fit of aggravation) slammed his head into my hand. This sounds fairly harmless, if I weren't holding a squeeze tub of Baby Oral Gel. The rounded side managed to be the exact spot that met with the corner of his eye. Donovan is now sporting a black eye! Quite cute however, makes me wonder what the other guy looks like!

So all this has me thinking...Am I a bad mother like Brittany?!? I don't really think so but, I know accidents happen so maybe I should cut Brit some slack.

Cherry Cobbler

We finally decided on a paint color for our living room - Cherry Cobbler. Not the most becoming color name, but we are picking based on actual color...not color names. However, if it was up to me we would be choosing based on color names (my choices included Red Red Wine, Velvety Merlot, Luscious, and Cranberry Zing). Good thing I didn't get my way because those colors would have looked just awful on my walls.

I Know Why I Don't Have Sympathy For The Mentally Challenged!

Now lets not get our panties in a twist because I seem to be mean or unsympathetic to the retarded population, but let me tell you some things that might help explain. I live on a really great street, mostly old folks and a few younger families. I know the majority of my neighbors and can have a quick and polite conversation without annoying me or inconveniencing me in any way.

The neighbors to my south have three foster children (all mentally challenged). I know they are foster children because the adults are black and the kids are white (Children of the Corn - WHITE)! The boy (name unknown) likes to play baseball and football with himself. It is actually quite amusing. Hut hut hut....HIIIIIKKEEEE! Run boy run! TOUCHDOWN! And the winner is.....big surprise....the boy's team...or the boy I mean, since team would indicate more than 1. I actually rather enjoy the boy, he is quiet, clean, cordial, nice and keeps to himself. He never steps foot on our lawn, never throws his balls in our yard, has yet to break a window and is not that scared of our ferocious beagles as they bound down the stairs for potty.

The two girls....are another story.

Crystal and Linda drive me absolutely insane. The common gangway we share is also known as the echo tunnel. They find it necessary to scream at each other, "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
NNNNNNNNNNNNN
DDDDDDDDDDDDDD
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now imagine that echo in your best retard voice...makes it so much worse. My favorite thing about my Children of the Corn neighbors is that they like to play beauty pageant and runway show. Now they are not the most striking girls I have seen, and they could stand to loose 20 - 30 pounds (not that I am one to talk...but I don't play beauty pageant). Their signature walk leaves much to be desired and their running commentary and line of questions for the "intelligence" portion is very entertaining. I use to feel bad that I laughed at them and that I purposefully let the ferocious beagles "attack" them (the dogs are actually afraid of them now...they do not look normal...they don't look retarded either, but there is enough evidence to support my retard label).

Now to why I have no sympathy...

Their bedroom window is across the echo tunnel from ours. They NEVER sleep (I am not exaggerating - they NEVER sleep). They like to sing to popular hits such as Brittany Spears, Kelly Clarkson (they have ruined her for me), Sean Paul, Usher, Nick Cannon, Pink, Ciara, Beyonce, and other female and male vocalists that like high notes. Needless to say, at 1 in the morning listening to the Children of the Corn belt out, "Hit Me Baby One More Time" in their best Speddy Eddy voices leaves me angry and unsympathetic to the mentally challenged cause. I know I should blame the foster family for not making them keep the noise level down or putting them in cages so they sleep, but somehow, its the girls that take the brunt of my anger. They are harmless and all around good girls, but I cannot take another summer of the singing.

As I look back at what I have wrote, I am starting to feel a little bad because that was harsh...but then again...they should realize that people sleep at 1 am and that their singing does not produce relaxing lullabies.

Wow...She's Hot!

Has J'Lo been eating her perfume lately...because damn...she looks nasty! I know she has got to have enough money for a bra for those squishy's! And please...stop grabbing your non-existent frank and beans!

Remodeling Sucks

So Don and I decided to take on a project bigger than we had time for. We bought all new furniture and it won't be delivered until May 4th so we decided to paint the living and dining room. Well, there was some ancient ass wallpaper that needed to be ripped down, not so bad. Then there is all the wallpaper glue removal that needs to take place...pain in the ass. We started this weekend, but it is going to take a few days. Then we have to spackel, prime and then paint. I know I will love it when its finished...but right now I just want to move.

Proof Once Again

Once more I prove to everyone that Donovan is the cutest baby in the world!

Nice Way Of Saying I Suck At Math!

I took an IQ test and these are my results...

Your Intellectual Type is Word Warrior. This means you have exceptional verbal skills. You can easily make sense of complex issues and take an unusually creative approach to solving problems. Your strengths also make you a visionary. Even without trying you're able to come up with lots of new and creative ideas. And that's just a small part of what we know about you from your test results.

What the test results are saying, in a very nice way, is that I am a complete retard when it comes to Math.

Here's the link if your interested...

The Classic IQ Test
http://web.tickle.com/invite?test=3001&type=t