Alarm Cock!

Did y'all miss me yesterday???

Yeah, I didn't think so!

I was at a funeral for my son's great great grandmother - it was very cool to have 5 generations living at the same time, not something that happens all that often! Donovan was also born on her birthday, which is kind of freaky! It was a very nice funeral...if that's possible. I cried like a fricking blubbering idiot...and I wasn't even really sad about her passing. Now don't go and think that I am a cold hearted bitch, but I think I have a healthy outlook on death and realize that we can't always stop it, everything happens for a reason and we should accept that she's not suffering in her bodily form and has been released from her human form. But damn, I cry ALOT! I think I am more upset by seeing others crying and I know that they are sad, so I cry along with them. At one point, Don leaned over to me and said, "You realize that you are the only one crying!" Also, the priest officiating mass was Asian and said Lord like "rawrd"...and holy spirit like "rory spiwit". Very funny indeed, but totally inappropriate for me to be laughing in my head while he is praying and such!

I got to meet more of Don's family...the mobsters! Very exciting stuff! Don't know if every one's hip to the Chicago mob trials going on but over funeral lunch, a few were talking about how it's too bad so and so got ratted on, and did you see so and so in the papers. It was a bit creepy that the mob was at the table next to me...or not really the mob...but they are friends with the mob. I also noticed that Italians are a bit touchy-feely-rubby...almost got felt up by a few of them...have they no sense...we are at a funeral! Geez!

Donovan split my lip during the reception, and it bled a bit and it is now bruised and swollen! Thanks D! I love you too! Nothing like tasting blood at a funeral!

Jeanette's teacher said, "Alarm cock!" Instead of clock in her class last night...good thing I wasn't there because this is just the kind of immature thing needed to set me off into a laughing fit, the kind where I either end up peeing my pants (Don - not necessary to comment on me wetting myself - thanks!) or start choking ferociously!

Visit A Thousand Words for a few new pictures!

Can I Adopt That Child...He Rocks!

Why do babies get to do the things that we adults can only dream about doing?

It's not fair...

I want to punch Hillary!

The Best Birth Control Is Poo!

Donovan is too young to know about birth control usage, so he takes measures into his own hands. He is desperate to not have any siblings and will do whatever it takes to ensure that he is the one and only! The last two nights he has been like a wild ass monkey at bedtime. We put him to bed at normal time, he is quite (faking it) for like 10 minutes before he starts yelling and jumping. We try to ignore him, but when his yelling and goofiness becomes bloody murder screaming - which I think our very close neighbors must enjoy - we need to go in his room and do the routine again.

Last night, he was bouncing and being happy, so we left him be. We sat on the balcony and then decided to take a shower, he was still jumping like a monkey, rocking his crib back and forth, spring action going on, but still a happy monkey...not the poo throwing monkey...at least not yet. We were enjoying our shower, getting all soaped up and such, when he starts screaming! I get out of our very nice warm, soapy shower to go attend to the child/beast that doesn't get that I am on birth control and no siblings will happen anytime soon! I open the door to his room and I am hit with a wave of shit stink. He jumped the shit right out of his ass! Damn gravity! I was gagging as I cleaned his ass and the last thing I wanted to do was have another baby or even partake in the fun of making a baby.

He seemed victorious...but no...I sprayed perfume directly up my nose and tried to wipe the poo out of my mind. In the end...we were victorious!

I found the picture below while searching for a funny picture to add to the post...and this just ended up pissing me off. I use birth control and I am not killing babies. Birth control pills are designed to fake ovulation, so that your body thinks it has ovulated when in fact no egg has been expelled into the fallopian tubes. How is that killing babies if the sperm and egg never meet? No fertilization = no embryo = no baby = no murder! Would supporters of this extreme campaign say that periods kill babies too, those unfertilized eggs end up being flushed down the toilet with the rest of the blood! I hate when things are taken to extremes. I will be extreme as well here, and say that I would support mandatory sterilizations of these people!

I then found this while searching...I like this one!

I Heart My Shirt!

I got home from work today to find my custom made shirt from Sunshine! I love it so much! It is really really cute! Some of you may be wondering what happened to I Heart Mangina...well fiance thought that mangina was gross, and he liked peni better! So, I changed it...thanks Sunshine for being so accommodating! Please visit her and let her know how much you love my shirt!

Donovan was getting a bit jealous that the camera wasn't on him...so he decided to pop in!

Nudists!

Is it necessary to post 'Nude Area Restrooms'???

If that wasn't posted, would you think that they required you to put your clothes back on before peeing??? Nudist are a weird sort! If you were going to a nudist resort, wouldn't you assume that it was expected to be nude anywhere you pleased! Why would there need to be a sign at all?

Weekend Over...Back To Work!

Friday night Jeanette, Ashley and I went to The Pleasure Chest to pick up a few supplies for a bachlorette party that Ashley is hosting. It's always a good time at the Pleasure Chest. This time we overheard a conversation in regards to cock rings that I found highly entertaining between a sales clerk and a little bitty Asian girl (I really thought she was going to ask where to find the "How To Bukake" video). The girl basically was asking about different rings and the dude was very openly talking about which he has used, which he likes and dislikes and which ones are designed to go around cock and balls or just cock or just balls! Very educational! I really want to buy one...they look very cute! They are like real fancy...but expensive too!

We went out to dinner after at some bar/restaurant on Southport that had way way too many children for a Friday night. At one point a straw was flung at my head from our neighbor table of rugrats. I don't really mind, I wasn't even mad...but the dad was screaming at the little boy to apologize to me, which became awkward after the boy starting hitting his dad and refusing to say sorry to me. The dad was relentless and wouldn't let up. These parents were awful, they were so not together on the parenting thing. The whole meal was spent listening to them argue about how to punish the child...while the child acted up, spit on the ground, spilled drinks and just was a brat. I think the worst mistake parents can make is not being together on the punishment thing and backing each other up, otherwise kids will run circles around the parents while they are arguing with each other.

I also went to a Cubs game this weekend! They won! Yeah! I am not a very big sports fan, but I don't mind going to a game or two. We had awesome seats, right above home base. I love ballpark food, the hot dogs, hamburgers, fries, nachos, ice cream...but it is so fucking expensive! How is it that the ballparks can anal rape us on food and beer and NO one says shit about it! We calculated an approximate amount of money that is made per game off of food, beer and souvenirs...its close to $1million! That is fucking insane. Athletes (if you can even call half of them that) are way overpaid...and I know this isn't like news to people, but it pisses me off! After the game Don, Donovan and I went to dinner and then to Enchanted Castle. Donovan rode the go karts with Don and had such a good time. He walked into the place and just stopped! Looked around in amazement and was literally stunned into a catatonic state! He had such a good time, and so did we watching him!

Speaking of castles...am I the only one that hasn't seen the new Harry Potter movie???

What the hell is Shakira doing??? She looks retarded, someone should really show her an easier way to hold her microphone!

Baby...What's Your Sign?

Please read your horoscope provided by some random website below...then read my take (***) on your sex style!

VIRGO - The One that Waits

Dominant in relationships. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only.

*** Plays the coy virginal character in public but is into S&M, costumes and PVC! Very skilled in tantric sex.

SCORPIO - The Addict

EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.

*** The missionary position is favored due to lack of raw creativity, but if giving the right amount of rohypnol...can turn into a sexual beast that can go all night!

LIBRA - The Lame One

Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However not the kind of person you wanna mess with...you might end up crying.

*** The pushover who likes to be peed and pooped on but if you do this after eating corn, you will get your ass beat! They also enjoy DVDA.

ARIES - The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, Addictive. Loud.

*** Demands oral sex forcefully and will scream obscene phrases loudly while reaching climax! They wrote the Kama Sutra!

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water

Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out.

*** They enjoy shower sex but only anal with the lights on! They are also game for all water sports and quickies.

GEMINI - Irresistible

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good in the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

*** The cocktease or pussytease that will come back to bite you when they find that you have gone to seek ass elsewhere!

LEO - The Lion

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Sexy. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Great when found.

*** The one that will eat you alive and suck you dry while dominating you! Will talk dirty incessantly unless something is shoved in their mouths to shut them up!

CANCER - The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

*** The self-service climaxer that uses regular household items and plays shy when with others, very good at taint play!

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

*** Always giggles and laughs while fucking, occasionally farts while out of control! Also, makes faces during sex that can be scary if the room is well lit.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate

Lover. Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Cool. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

*** Likes to be tied up and dominated, enjoys calling people "master" and asks for spankings!

TAURUS - The Tramp

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth!

*** Gets off on public sex especially in dirty bar bathrooms and enjoys wearing other gender's undergarments!

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet!

*** The slut that will do whatever you ask! Very good tongue techniques!

The Spindle

The Spindle, a Berwyn landmark (two towns over from where I live) that once made a cameo in the 1992 movie "Wayne's World," will be dismantled to make way for a Walgreens (good, there are none of those around). The sculpture with eight cars sits in the middle of the shopping plaza. I could not be happier that this piece of shit is being dismantled! It is just a giant bird shit catcher. The thing I don't really understand is that there is already a Walgreens in this shopping plaza...why the fuck do we need another one?

Thanks Kelly - Great Taste!

Thanks Kelly for introducing me to Jack Vettriano!

Jack Vettriano is a Scottish born painter that has become somewhat of a celebrity in England as he continues to have wildly popular exhibitions. Vettriano has had sell-out exhibitions in Edinburgh, London, Hong Kong, Johannesburg and New York.

Vettriano, a former mining engineer, works in a film noir style and somewhat sexual overtones can be found in many of his works.

He is portrayed in many of his works as the "male predator".

I have fallen in love with his work because it is tasteful, sexy and romantic.

Above is my favorite!

Songs Meme

I was tagged by Rattle The Brain! The task is to pick 5 (I picked 6) songs that are emotional for me and why...and here they are in random order! I have linked all the songs to YouTube if you want to hear! I won't officially tag anyone...but would love you to tag yourselves and let me know what your songs are!

#1: Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On

Why: Everyone needs to shut the fuck up and stop laughing...I already know how cheesy this song is. Titanic just happens to be the first movie that Don and I saw together just before we officially were dating. He was very sweet that day and bought (read: stole) me a Christmas present even though we only met like 3 other times before and those meets were separated by weeks. I can still remember freezing my ass off after the movie let out, waiting for our ride to come pick us up and me standing with him in his trench coat!

#2: Extreme - More Than Words

Why: I have no idea or real life connection to a moment in time and this song, but the lyrics and the voices will bring me to tears every time. I find this an amazingly powerful song for no apparent reason! It is the ultimate love ballad!

#3: Nickelback - Figured You Out

Why: I love his sexy voice and the lyrics to this song are fantastic. This song reminds me of spending time with my best friends and driving around with no particular place to go. We would scream this song out the car window, "I like your pants around your feet!" It reminds me of uninhibited fun with my girls!

#4: The Cranberries - Zombie

Why: This is probably my favorite song of all time, it just rocks like no other. I fell in love with this song in 8th grade. It shocked the shit out of my classmates when I picked this song as my favorite. I played this in Music Appreciation loud and proud when everyone else picked a traditional song to analyze!

#5: Celine Dion - New Day

Why: It reminds me of my son and that everything happens for a reason. When this song came out I was in a bad situation and prayed and prayed for help and the last thing that I expected was a baby...but that was the answer to my prayers in the most unexpected amazing way! It reminds me that things aren't always as they seem and to never look a gift horse in the mouth!

#6: Christina Aguilera — Fighter

Why: My best friend since Jr. Kindergarten is the biggest X-Tina fan on the planet and when she was diagnosed with cancer last year this is the song that I thought of when I needed to comfort and support her, it gave me hope and confidence in her ability to be a fighter. It was her theme song for her battle and ultimate win against cancer.

What a Perv!

The woman appears to a have some special forces! Eyes up ol' chap! That girl is totally digging the attention...she wants to be the queen! Poor girl will be disappointed because all he wants to do is have her lick his monarch!

Strip Clubs to Strip Malls

I am sure everyone has heard of the hot new phenomenon called stripaerobics...and if you haven't...where the fuck have you been! Out of the strip clubs and into the strip malls! Classes in striptease, pole dancing and lap dancing are "popping" up (bad boner joke...sorry couldn't resist) around the country for women who want to learn to look hot and sexy while they burn calories. This could be a healthy reawakening of the seductress that lays dormant in some females, or further evidence of the over-sexualization or "stripperization" of American girls and women. Flirty Girl Fitness (featured picture below) has opened in Chicago and they are going to franchise further with classes such as "Chair Striptease," "Hottie Body Boxing," "Booty Beat" and, of course, "Pole dancing."

Every female from every walk of life can do this: doctors, attorneys, pharmacists, police officers, fast food managers, and housewives. But the question isn't can they take these classes...it's should they? Women from 18 through 100 can take classes and this really turns my stomach. I think that unexperienced tarts should leave the stripping and pole dancing to the professional poontang-cuntcakes. This could cause job insecurity for strippers everywhere...that would be a travesty, they may have to find real work like flipping burgers and filet-o-fish at McDonald's or performing rusty trombones, chili dogs, strawberry shortcakes and Cleveland steamers in the alley for $5!

If wives are "empowered" to drag their cum dumpsters up and down the pole at home, why would husbands go shove dollar bills down some dumb skanks twat when they can get it for free at home? All that snatch and cooter on the poles of these fitness clubs could create a new STD! Think of the horror that will develop from stripaerobics!!! I propose a ban!

I want you all to take a minute to imagine someone who should NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER strip or pole dance...then imagine a room full of them working their sexual groove back!

Cruisin

Last night was my Summer outing for work aboard the Odyssey. I have been on the Odyssey before and have loved it every time. You can't even feel this boat move it is so smooth. I am pretty sure that this is where I want to have my wedding!

I was a bit hesitant to go because I have only worked at my job for 3 months and I don't really know people all that well yet. I have a few buddies, but no one I would really consider a friend. I got on the chartered bus that would take us to Navy Pier and it started pouring...like the sky opened up and let the oceans fall. Of course when it rains I am always wearing a white shirt...no umbrella (who needs it)...and I got drenched. Whatever, it's only water! I fucking hate people that complain about the rain ruining their hair, blah blah blah...it's fucking water...get over it...your hair looked like shit before anyway! A few people weren't going to go because of the rain...what a bunch of chicken shits! I stood on the outside deck with a glass of wine, a cigarette and watched the most amazing lightning over the lake!

There was full open bar all night and it was like a contest to see who could drink the most free liquor. We boarded the boat and it was like a mad dash to the bar. I was on the first bus to arrive and there were people already on their second drink before I was even fully in the boat! They had a DJ on one floor that played the fucking annoying songs like "Macarena" and "Electric Slide" and a jazz band on the other floor that was magnificent. A full buffet of really good food on both floors (traditional fair). The most fantastic white cheddar mashed potatoes you could imagine. The desserts were a bit...average...but good nonetheless. I would probably eat my own arm after 5 glasses of wine and 3 cocktails!

You guys should all be proud of me...I only said, "fuck" like 5 times! I behaved myself and didn't fall off the boat! The rain only lasted about 20 minutes and we had a wonderful sunset that back dropped Chicago's awesome skyline. I forget how amazing the skyline is until I am on the water...beautiful! Chicago has got one of the best skyline's in the world, second to Hong Kong. I am a bit biased, but sue me...I can be!

The only thing that was disappointing about the whole night was that it was employees only, no spouses or significant others allowed. It would have been nice to have Don there with me (or Jeanette, Sarah and Ashley...they count as one)!

Oh, and one other disappointing thing was that there wasn't any wild sex or outrageous behavior. When talking with my boss about the past parties a few years back hosted by The Firm, it was basically a fuckfest of secretaries getting all dolled up to screw the partners and the attorneys leaving wives behind so that they could get some action. My boss walked in on people doing the nasty on the couches, people sucking face with the managing partners who are like 85 on the dance floor, and secretaries baring all in tit shows! There have also been a few harassment lawsuits since those times, so I think that the attorneys find their side dishes somewhere else besides work now.

Best quote from my boss:

"Men get hard and they need to stick it somewhere!"