For Raffi and Forrest!

This video is dedicated to Raffi!



And this video is dedicated to Forrest!

Fashion Faceoff

I would not consider myself anything even close to fashionable! But I think I have enough fashion sense to not be caught dead in the decorative garbage bags below!

Who looks better in the dress? I think they all look like shit...It's like picking between fugly and fuglier!

I don't know who either of these girls are...but the one on the right looks retarded. Yellow...is not a good choice...looks like a sack of pissed on flour!

Bad acid trip!

Toga's should only be worn at frat houses and under the influence of kegs of beer! That dress would make it easy to choke them!
I have no words!
I bet they both paid a fortune for that potato sack!

Train wrecks must shop at the same store!
Carmen...I see your undies!
Yuck!
Frumpy yuck!

Yeah...more fucking yellow!

The only exception is Jenny McCarthy who will never be fugly in my book...she's hot! I love you Jenny!

Sit, Stay Home...Good Dog!

The Chicago City Council's Committee on License and Consumer Protection unanimously approved a proposed ordinance that would permit restaurants to allow dogs accompanied by their owners in outdoor seating areas such as sidewalk cafes and patios. I am really on the fence with this and not sure how I feel. Part of me, as a dog owner myself, doesn't have a problem with it and could care less...but the other part of me is really annoyed.

The problem I'm having is that dogs are not humans...they do not get the same rights as humans do. Why can't people leave their damn dogs at home if they go out to eat? I certainly wouldn't take my two dogs to a restaurant with me...there dogs...they'll be okay at home with their kibble! I love my dogs...and they were my babies before I got a real baby...but they are dogs! If we allow dogs into outdoor cafes and restaurants...why not cats, gerbils, ferrets, birds, snakes and other pets? Is that discrimination against other pets...I think so...and I think the cats of Chicago should rally together and strike for equal opportunity! Somebody call the NAACP!

I guess the major problem is not with the dogs exactly...but with the owners. People are fucking ignorant. The last thing I want when I go out to eat is some yappy fucking rat dog yipping and jumping around. I don't want to eat next to Paris Hilton's fucking rats! I don't want to watch some cunt bitch making love to her dog! I don't want dog hair in my food or to smell rank ass dog breath while I am eating. I don't want some fucking dog's tail whipping my leg and I definitely don't want to smell or see dog piss and shit where I am eating! People are rude and will bring obnoxious dogs that constantly bark and they won't think twice about it and they won't clean up after them...it will get out of hand!

And what about people that are allergic to dogs? Yes, they have the choice to eat somewhere else...but what if that's their favorite restaurant? That's not fair to them! Now they can't eat there...because fucktards can't leave their "best friends" at home while they enjoy a meal! I think that's crap...and I think it's crap to say that those people allergic can just eat inside the restaurant then instead of sitting at the patio. So now dogs are taking precedence over humans? That's bullshit! Those allergic have to sit in the back of the restaurant so dog lovers can bring their damn dogs...someone go resurrect Rosa Parks...she's going to be pissed!

"The ordinance also would require that all dogs have proof of vaccinations and the animals would not be permitted to sit on a chair, table or counter. The dogs also would not be allowed to eat any food. In addition, on-duty employees could not touch the dogs and, if contact does occur, they would be required to wash their hands."

Yeah fucking right...those bullshit rules are going to be followed my ass! Are the wait staff going to check the vaccination records when they are seated? Are the Paris Hilton carbon copy bitches going to actually put their dogs on the ground and not in the chair next to them? Are people actually NOT going to feed their dogs the food? The answer is no...these rules are not going to be followed! And I sure as fuck wish you didn't have to tell someone in the food industry to wash their fucking hands...especially after touching dogs!

Well...now that I wrote my feelings down...I'm not on the fence anymore...I think this is bullshit! Dogs should not be allowed in restaurants! Take your dog to the fucking dog park...not a restaurant! Leave your damn dog at home people, trust me, your dog will fogive you! I think if people can bring their dogs...then I should be able to bring my five foot ball python!

Those that support this ordinance and that would bring their dogs to restaurants might say that their dogs are like their children and if parents can bring kids then why can't they bring their dogs? Well...let me answer that for you...one, dogs are not human and even if you love your dog its not a fucking child, and two, children shouldn't always be allowed in restaurants either! So leave your fucking dog home!

What do you think?

Two Meme's and One Award!

Thanks to Akelamalu...I got another award! Thanks girly...I love it! So I can give it to one person...and that's kind of tricky...but Tyler Durden is my favorite newcomer and his blog is fantastically fucking hilarious!

Meme #1:

RULES: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...they have to be real places, names, things...nothing made up! Try to use different answers if the person in front of you had the same 1st initial. You CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

What is your name?

Jenny!

Four letter word:

Jizz

Junk

Juke

Vehicle:

Jaguar

TV Show:

Justice Files

Joe Millionaire

City:

Johannesburg

Juneau

Jackson Hole

Jakarta

Jamestown

Boy Name:

Jack

Girl Name:

Jill

Alcoholic Drink:

Jagermeister

Jizz...if the guy has been drinking heavily!

Occupation:

Juggler

Judge

Jockey

Jag off

Jizz master

Something you wear:

Jump suit

Jock strap

Celebrity:

Jenny McCarthy

Food:

Jelly

Jalapenos

Juicy Fruit Gum

Jizz

Something found in a bathroom:

Jizz

Juniper Bath Foam

Reason for Being late:

Jerking off

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jizz stains on your pants

Jaundice

Juicer accident

Jeans don't fit

Jackknifed truck or lorrie for you English!

Cartoon Character:

Jessica Rabbit

Something You Shout:

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

"Just get in the car!"

"Jumping gee wilikers!"

"Jimini cricket!"

"Jugs!"

Thanks Variant E for this tag...he was afraid of my answers...but how dirty and obscene can I get with these tame questions?

Meme #2:

Four jobs I have had or currently have in my life:

1. Legal Secretary

2. Conflicts Analyst as of September 5th!

3. Administrative Assistant

4. Teachers Assistant - AKA - Gopher Bitch

Four Countries I have been to in no particular order:

1. Thailand

2. Hong Kong

3. Greece

4. China

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Home/bed

2. Museum

3. Zoo

4. Movie Theatre watching SuperBad!

Four foods I like to eat:

1. Guacamole...and anything Mexican...Don included! Yum!

2. Mashed potatoes...or anything made of potatoes!

3. Cheese...anything except blue, swiss and other stinky cheese!

4. Meat!!!

Four heroes-past or present (this is really hard since I don't really think of people as heroes most of the time...so I will go with influential people that I respect immensely):

1. Richard M. Nixon

2. Alexander Graham Bell

3. Joan of Arc
4. Cleopatra

Four books I have read or are currently reading:

1. Ordinary Springs...currently reading.

2. Shadow of the Wind...great awesome fantastic book!

3. Three Strikes You're Dead...great Chicago Mobster mystery.

4. I don't know there are lots...just go to BAMF's if you really care...which I suspect most of you don't!

Four to Tag :

1. Loaf

2. Sarah

3. Jeanette

4. J Ford

Quiz Overload!

I am addicted to taking quizzes and George had a fantastic link to Quiz Farm and I can't stop. Forget about crack...that's just whack...and forget about alcohol and gambling...I need a 12 step program for quizzes! Here are a few that I found particularly entertaining...a bit weird, but fun none the less!

You scored as Wrestling, A powerful and sometimes brutal fighting art that is practiced most prominently America. Uses grapples to overcome foes.

KickBoxing		100%
Tae Kwan Do		100%
Wrestling		100%
Kung Fu		83%
Judo		83%
Karate		67%
Aikaido		50%
Mantis		50%
Boxing		50%
Tang Soo Do		50%

Which fighting style is for you?

You scored as Popular Bitch, Popular Bitch 75% Athletic Tomboy 75% Slut 63% Nerdy Girl 56% Goth 44% Preppy Girl 13% Loser 6% Hippy 0% What type of girl are you?!!

You scored as Violent, You are violent. To you there is nothing better than a good spank. You like scratching and biting 'cause that's what people are for. Hot 100% Violent 100% Exciting 81% Wet 50% Soft 38% Awkward 38% Sweet 31% Shy 0% What is your sexual style?

You scored as Biting, When it comes to being kinky, your biggest turn on is biting. You love the ectasy of teeth sinking into your flesh, and are probably willing to return the favor. Sex just isn't sex without using your teeth. Biting 100% Whips 92% Bondage 92% Chains/Handcuffs 83% Blind Folds 58% Blood 50% What's Your Kinky Turn On?

Brad and Familia!

Brad Pitt treats son Maddox to a New York City delicacy – street dogs! Poor Maddox does not look impressed and I bet he is wondering what kind of meat comes out of a metal box on the street and what that awful smell is! It looks like he may toss his cookies before the dog hits his hand!
Angelina Jolie, daughter Zahara and son Pax and Maddox join Brad Pitt in New York City. Where the fuck is Shiloh? The only biological child that Brad and Angelina have and they don't bring her with? And when the fuck did they adopt Pax??? Do they have any more children that I should know about? I wonder if Brad would like to adopt a 26 year old secretary from Chicago?

Schmooze King

Don is good at schmoozing, well not just good at it...he is the schmooze master, he wrote the book on schmoozing. He can talk people into giving him free shit...even dudes (not always gay either), like at Starbucks...he gets fucking free drinks all the damn time. I can show some tit and I still have to pay for it! Bastards!


Anyway...Don and Donovan went for a walk yesterday to go and watch the diggers and dump trucks at a construction site close by. Donovan fucking LOVES trucks, cars, diggers, motorcycles and basically anything with wheels and made of metal...such a manly boy! I don't know and don't want to know, what Don did or said to schmoose the construction workers, but they let little D sit in the big digger and touch the buttons and stand in the scoop...Don also got the construction dude's to take a picture of the two of them!

I really can't imagine what kind of schmooze tactics Don put into play here, but look at the cute pictures he got...so good work schmoozing Donnie...and baby...why are you walking all funny?

Doppelganger???

There's a fun game going on over at Sunshine's place

to see who can match the doppelganger to the bloggers!

Since I have no clue who my doppelganger is,

she sent me to this website to find out.

I used my profile picture and here are my results.

Krista Allen

No clue who she was, but found out that she dated George Clooney (barf, I hate Clooney) and she was on Baywatch for 27 episodes! She's also been in a ton of sitcoms, but only walk on rolls or one episode, so not anybody truly famous...the only reason people know who she is, is because she fucked Clooney.

Kristanna Loken

She is a model and actress, not a very good one though. She starred in Terminator 3 which is probably her most acclaimed role...and she was also the main character in the fucking horrible ass movie Blood Rayne...if you haven't seen it...your lucky! Meat Loaf was also in Blood Rayne...need I say more?

Aishwariya Rai

Never heard of her before, but apparently she is some well known Indian actress also known as The Queen of Bollywood. She is going to be in The Pink Panther 2...um, wow, she must be REALLY great then!

Alley Baggett

Don't know her either, but my guess was that she's a porn star or a transvestite...or both. I was close, she's a Playboy Playmate and her measurements are: 34C-23-33. She stared in Playboy: Girls of Hooters (1994) and Howard Stern's Private Parts. What a girl!

Shirley Manson

The lead singer of Garbage...that website must me joking! If I looked like her I would hang myself. She looks like the product of FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome). She is one scary ass bitch and there is no way I look like her! Please tell me I don't look like her?

Gemma Ward

Perhaps worse than Shirley Manson, this little lovely got selected as a match for me! The Australian model and actress hasn't done much of anything....her favorite dogs are cocker spaniels though...oh goodie! She looks like she has down syndrome for fucks sake!

What do you all think? I don't think I look like any of them!

I'm Creeped Out!

I found out some interesting information about a fellow secretary yesterday that really disturbed me...I am seriously afraid of this woman now and don't ever want her to come near me or look at me ever!

Since I am being moved to a different department, the Firm needs to reassign my current assignments before my transition can be made. Yesterday one of my assignments was moved to this creepy secretary...since I can't give you her name...I will call her Creepy Fucker...and I had to go down and give her some information about her new assignment and some materials. I went down, approached her with a smile, introduced myself and told her my purpose for bothering her, intense personal conversation with Creepy Fucker II, was to give her much needed info for her new assignment. She was less than thrilled at having me, a relative newcomer to the Firm, giving her directions/suggestions. Creepy Fucker just nodded at me, and basically ignored me...too bad for her because that new assignment of hers has some complicated tasks that she needs to be very detailed about and if...or rather when...she fucks it up...she will get her ass chewed out and handed to her....hmmm, too bad she didn't listen to me!

So when I come back to my desk my boss asks me, "So, did you see any of the pictures on her desk?" I replied, "No." She immediately started busting her gut laughing and snorting and keeling over from hyperventilating. I was thinking...what the fuck? When she finally calmed down, I asked her what the fuck was so funny and apparently Creepy Fucker is a grade A certifiable fucking doll freak! She has a collection of dolls that are child sized, like 9 or 10 year old child size, and she takes pictures of them, with them, hires professional photographers to take pictures of them. Now, that alone is a bit creepy to me, but there's more! She takes these dolls on vacation with her...that's right on VACATION! She packs them up and ships them to where ever she is going, then unpacks them, poses them and takes pictures. She apparently went to the beach this summer and took her dolls to the beach with her. She passes these pictures out to her friends in the Firm and thinks that this is normal behavior. I was in tears because I was so creeped out by this...I was just feet from this creepy freak fucker and she could have touched me with her pervy hands!

I am so fucking disturbed by this...that is NOT NORMAL people! Dolls are already a bit freakish to me...but what the fuck is wrong with this lady?

Booger Eater!

Do you think this kid was trying to eat his boogers?

Poor kid...maybe now he won't run with forks again!

Umbrella...ella ella hey!

Dyck!! has requested that I stop using exclamation marks at the end of every sentence I write. That is so much harder than it sounds. I am addicted to ! marks and not using them is not going to be easy. I feel like plain periods just aren't effectively expressive enough for me. When I talk in real life, I talk with expression and feelings so that's why I use them when I write. Periods seem boring, lifeless, and monotone to me. So now, Dyck has challenged me to not use ! marks and I am up for the challenge! Oops! Dammit! Fuck.

Moving on...my pet peeve for the day is umbrellas...well, maybe not the actual umbrella itself, but the ignorant umbrella users. I hate carrying an umbrella or carrying anything extra, just like I hate wearing coats and jackets...I don't like being weighed down or restricted with shit. Working in the city has brought on all sorts of challenges, like walking the streets with ignorant ass pig-fucking dip shits. I don't think it's necessary to have an umbrella when it is barely raining, when it's pouring rain, fine...go ahead put up your umbrella, but when its not even misting...there is no fucking reason for an umbrella you cock mongers. People need to be realistic...it's rain water...not acid. People say it's because they don't want their hair or make-up to get ruined...um, it's fucking hair...It will be okay, and it could probably use a wash anyway after all the fucking AquaNet these fuckers use. I don't care about my hair getting wet, oh well, life goes on. It's the people who are so careless with their umbrellas that piss me off, they walk with no clue about the people around them. When they are stopped at a red light, they will whip the umbrella around, not caring who's eyes are going to be poked out. If you happen to be walking towards one, they will not hold it up a bit higher or even move over on the sidewalk to let you pass without having to duck out of the way. It's so obnoxious...I want to grab the umbrella out of their hands, tell them to bend over, and then stick it so far up their ignorant fat ass that it comes out their mouth!

So, here are my umbrella etiquette suggestions:

1. Unless its pouring rain, you don't need an umbrella...it's fucking water...your not going to melt...shit, the Wicked Witch of the West didn't even melt when water was poured on her.

2. Stop worrying about your hair...it looks like a family of rats set up residence in it anyway, and the water would actually help clean out the stench of old lady ass.

3. Don't wear tons of make-up and maybe it wouldn't run down your face and you wouldn't look like you just gave Bozo a deep throat hummer.

4. Be courteous of others around you...it's possible for you to lift the umbrella slightly on crowded streets in order for other pedestrians to walk past without having their eyes poked out.

5. Don't shake off the water from your umbrella when standing next to someone. People don't appreciate that and it makes them want to throttle you violently.

6. If you can't follow these rules, you can expect me to kick you in the back of the knees, hold you down by your neck and forcefully shove that umbrella where the sun don't shine.

And Rihanna...

I hate your fucking umbrella song...it sucks P. Diddy's syphillis infested dick.

End rant.

Here's a fun quiz I found on someone's blog...What Book Are You?

You're Catch-22!
by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of people.

Take the Book Quiz.

I Need A Day Off!

I am so fucking busy, aggravated and annoyed at work that I want to claw the eyes out of the next person that asks me a stupid fucking question or even opens their mouth in my prescence!

I hope everyone had a fan-fuckin-tastic weekend!

I will try to catch up with everyone soon!

You all better miss me!

Random Crap Again!

Here are a few pictures that I took with my cell phone on Friday outside my building of Batman. The first one is the Batman dummy being hung outside my building and the dude on the crane was swinging him back and forth at the window.

This is Bruce Wayne's car, which was parked right outside...it was pretty bad ass although I couldn't tell you what kind of car it is. I was afraid to touch it because I thought the security guards might jump my ass. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see Christian Bale drive off in the car!

Also the Chicago Air and Water Show is this weekend, and there is not a fucking chance in hell that I would to the lake front and watch. There are too many redneck fucktards for me, and I do not have any patience for large crowds full of ignorant cunts. But I did get to see the whole practice show on Friday from my office window. They do some pretty kick ass stuff, like draw hearts in the sky out of smoke and shit. The Blue Angels fly so close to our building that you can see into the cockpit. It also freaks the shit out of the birds and they end up flying into our windows...ha ha...dumb fucking birds!

I am bored as fuck...Don has tonsillitis and is acting like a bitch in heat. I don't do the sympathy thing very well, I do feel bad that he is miserable, but being sick and sore doesn't mean you forget where the garbage can is or how to flush a toilet!

We watched Wild Hogs and The Queen and neither were fantastic. Wild Hogs was cheesy, a bit stupid and not really all that worth seeing. I wouldn't watch this movie again, but it was decent. There were a few funny one-liners...but John Travolta and Tim Allen are kind of annoying.

The Queen was fantastic...great acting and very interesting. I am curious how close the movie is to actual events and reactions.

So, I could go on and on with other random shit, but I think I bored you all enough for today! I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend, have some sex for me please!