Happy Halloweenie!!!

The CIA is Following Me!

I haven't had any really fun and interesting train stories for you all in a while and I thought that maybe my days of crazies, perverts and blind people were over. But no, don't worry, there was one this morning that tops the cake and takes the gold medal for insane train passenger of the year.

The woman gets on the crowded train, looking quite normal (her hair was a wreck, but whatever, we can't all be perfect) and starts yelling out, "They gots guns on me. Them CIA and FBI peoples be following me with GUNS!" Everyone on the train is staring at her while she walks up and down the isle yelling about, "Them cameras be everywhere, they watching us. They know what we's all looks like and they gots our picture. Them CIA mutha fuckas gots guns on all of us, they following me. I gonna get a law suit on them. They tried to kidnap me in my sleep, so I gonna sue 'em."

At this point a young hoodlum boy tells her to, "shut the hell up and sit yo fat ass down, you crazy ass bitch!" The woman gets right up in this man's face and starts yelling, "You one of them ain'tcha! You got a gun in your bag boy? Just try and kidnap me, I will sue you and get your money." It was hard for me to keep a straight face and not laugh out loud.

The woman went on and on and at every stop the train made, she would wave her hands towards window and say, "I know you see me! Hello CIA and FBI, I knows you watching me! I know you have guns pointed at me, but you can't shoot me cause I gonna sue you and get all yo money."

At the next stop, another young man gets on the train, he is dressed very nicely and looks like a really stand up citizen and the woman starts shrieking and screeching, "He's got a gun in his bag!" Now since the man just got on the train he doesn't know that she has been crazy like this since she got on, so he gets really nervous and keeps trying to tell her that he doesn't have a gun. Someone yells out to him, "The bitch is fucking nuts dude, relax, she is just insane and has been yelling like this for 20 minutes."

We get to the stop where the police department does security sweeps of the train with bomb dogs (they do this every single day at the same exact stop) and the conductor announces that, "We will be stopping momentarily for our routine security sweep." The woman losses it and goes balls to the wall crazy, she runs off the train screaming, "They gonna get me! Them got guns on me, America has guns on me." So of course the police dogs start barking like mad and the police officers go running after her and the train erupts in uproarious laughter. I couldn't stop laughing at this crazy woman!

I just wish I had a recorder so that I could have taped what that woman was saying. She said some other pretty funny shit, but I just couldn't remember it all. Now I know that I need to keep a recorder in my purse in case of incidents like this!

Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

What A Vain Bitch!

Meet the lovely bride and groom!
Here's their wedding cake! A bit creepy, don't you think?
I wonder what she tastes like???
Probably tastes like a vain bitch!

Aphrodisiac???

I have never understood the attraction to oysters. They are slimy, gritty and just gross looking, and that slurping sound that your mouth makes when the oyster slides in...barf! Oysters are one of the most popular aphrodisiacs, but I will take a pass? There is an oyster fest going on in Chicago today, right by my building, and I think I may vomit soon because of the smell of rotting sea creature wafting around.

I find it rather disturbing that many people think oysters are an aphrodisiac in part because of the resemblance they have to the vagina...I don't know about the rest of you girls, but my vagina doesn't look like that! Rhino horn is also an aphrodisiac, mostly because it resembles the penis, but I am not quite sure I would enjoy a penis that sharp and pointy!


My goal for today is to avoid Oyster Fest and the rotting vagina slime that is all over the street! I hope everyone has a great weekend...go get your rocks off with some rhino horn and oyster!

FUN FACT OF THE DAY: The word "aphrodisiac" came about when Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, sprang forth from the sea on an oyster shell and promptly gave birth to Eros. Because Aphrodite was said to be born from the sea, many types of seafood have reputations as aphrodisiacs.

No Hand Job's For Me!

No more teasing...here's my gash!


Here's what my thumb looks like exactly one week after I sliced it! Needless to say...I have lost lots of income over the last week since my hand job sales have dramatically decreased. If only I was more coordinated with my left hand!

Woman & Money!

I found this article today and at first I thought it was pretty sweet, but then when I thought about it a bit more...it really made me mad. Woman can be so hypocritical at times and not even realize it.

For the first time, women in their 20's are making more money than their male peers in Chicago and other big cities. These same women, also trying to date and find relationships, and their financial superiority doesn't always go over well with either sex in the dating scene. One woman said "I've come to the conclusion that if I have to pay for you, you ain't a man." As much as women strive for financial independence, convention often trumps feminism in the dating world, where the man still is expected to be the dominant, or at least equal, partner. Woman in their 20's are making about 7 percent more than their male counterparts in the Chicago area. After reading that fucking bitches quote...I wanted nothing more than to punch her teeth out. What an ignorant thing to say! That woman is embarrassing to vagina's everywhere!

"I want someone who wants to take trips to wine country," one woman said. She was complaining that her boyfriend at the time didn't make enough money to be able to afford that trip. Now this same woman would probably EXPECT that her boyfriend spend the money to take her if he was making more money. It's a double standard that woman hold that pisses me off. If you are in a relationship and you make more money, it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to completely support that person, but woman should treat their man the same way that they would expect to be treated by a man. If woman truly want to be equal to men, then it's woman who need to drop the gender stereotypes and long standing expectations and bullshit and actually think about the things that they say and how that is perceived.

While the income gap usually doesn't harm established relationships...dating can be strained as women who can afford a certain lifestyle date men who can't. "We all have these gender expectations that are really about how people see themselves as effective men and effective women," she said. "When you have a pool of eligible men who are not doing as well as women, the men may feel they're not meeting the expectations and women might feel that way as well."

Here's my feelings...it shouldn't matter who makes more money in a relationship. Men need to get over their ego's and woman need to get over the "you're not a man if you make less money" attitude. Woman complain and bitch and moan and whine about how they are not treated as equals to men and all that feminist bullshit, but woman are the ones who need to drop the gender stereotypes...not men. Some woman make more money than some men...good for them, but don't complain when a man doesn't make as much money as you. Woman have been in the situation of getting paid less for the same job, now the tables have turned slightly...so why can't woman stop fucking bitching! Woman bitch if they don't make as much as men, woman bitch if they make more than men...so what the fuck will make woman happy??? If you want to be treated equally...then you need to expect that there may come a time that woman need to be the bread winners and financially support a man the way that they would expect to be supported if it were reversed.

I am a working mom, my fiance stays at home with our son. It works well and I can't stand this shit. I don't think that Don is any less of a man because he doesn't make as much money as me, in fact, he is doing a much nobler job than I, buy raising our son and being a positive and stable father figure in our sons life. I applaud men who make less than their woman, especially those who are taking the "less popular" road by being stay at home dads.

Wanna See My Gash???

I had an interesting night yesterday...spent four hours in the emergency room getting the gash in my right thumb stitched up. We have a porcelain faucet knob in our shower and I went to turn it and the porcelain cracked and sliced my thumb right open. I have quite a lovely flap of skin hanging off and a deep deep laceration...all the way down to the bone! Hooray for me! The worst part of it all is the huge tennis ball size bump on the side of my head....I fainted! Now, I consider myself a real trooper and I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but for whatever reason, fainting seems to be my weakness. In fact...I fainted twice last night...and it wasn't because of the pain! I have no idea what my problem is, I love watching medical shows, blood doesn't bother me, watching an autopsy is a lovely way to spend the evening and I would be a doctor if I liked people better, but I fucking faint! I suppose watching the blood squirt out of my gash to the rhythm of my heart beating was a bit much and I was out cold, clocked my head pretty good on the fucking floor. But you should all be so proud of me...not one tear rolled down my cheek and there was no screaming or whimpering like a bitch while they pulled back my skin flap and cleaned out the bloody laceration...in fact it was kind of cool to see what your thumb bone looks like! The worst part was the burning shots of lidocaine that they poke your open bloody wound with before you get your stitches put in. Don made the doctor write me a note saying that I should stay home from work today, otherwise, I would have gone in and worked. Not too sore, but a bit awkward. If I can recover from a shattered humours and a c-section...this gash is nothing! It's kind of exciting being a bit incapacitated...Don gets to do all the dishes for a while...and help me in the shower! Now did you boys actually think that I would show off my other gash???

People...

The body of a 41-year-old man was found in a wooded area next to a guillotine he built and used to kill himself. Police said the roughly six-foot tall guillotine was bolted to a tree and included a swing arm. Police also found several store receipts detailing the materials used to assemble the device. "I can't even tell you how long it must have taken him to construct," he said. "This man obviously was very determined to end his life."

I kind of respect this man...and think it's kind of cool! If your gonna off yourself, you might as well do it with a bit of moxie, pizzazz and vivacity!
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Patricia Gabrysiak is an idiot! She needed a new sump pump, but she wound up taking a trip to the hospital with severe burns instead. A repairman left the pump and some supplies and also left three liquid-filled containers: a gallon water jug, a liter of water container and a bottle with a ginger ale label. Gabrysiak took a drink from one of the containers, discovering too late that it was filled with battery acid. She is suing the repairman who allegedly left the containers. The attorney for the repairman argues in court that Gabrysiak should not have been drinking from the containers when she didn't know what was in them. The supplies were left in the basement because the repairman intended to return and install the pump the next day.

Being stupid is NOT a reason to file a lawsuit! What a dumb bitch! Why the fuck would you drink something that a repairman left at your house...oh wait...I know why...because your a fucking retard...strike that...calling her retarded is giving her too much credit, she's fucking beyond words! Too bad we can't put her head in the guillotine!

Now That's How You Keister!

Australian Customs Officers pulled Mr. Potato Head's butt flap off and found....ecstasy! I thought Mr. Potato Head had cleaned up his act after that embarrassing incident with the hooker's twat!

Poop

What the fuck is wrong with people who feel it necessary to take dumps anywhere other than in a toilet. I guess there are the occasional "calls of nature" that force you to go wherever you are, however; taking a huge shit from the top of the stairs in the subway is not a good option. First of all, its a subway with no ventilation. It's hotter than hades down there and it's more humid than the rain forest. The air already smells like a fucking disgusting bum infested piss hole...adding a huge pile of steaming shit....DOES NOT HELP! Whoever you are that left that pile of shit in the subway, I hate you...and I want you to die a horrible, miserable death...slow with lots of suffering! And to the CTA employees that find it hilarious to stand around the pile of dung laughing and then walking away without cleaning it up and leaving it there for two days....I hate you...and I want to smear your lazy ass ugly fucking faces in that feces and make you eat it...then you won't think it's that funny! I sent an email complaint to the Chicago Public Health Department today, but I doubt anything will come of it. The subway is already a festering cesse pool of filth, why would this pile of shit change anything! Fuckers!

Look At Her Globes!

Helen Da Silva of Brazil celebrates being crowned Miss Globe International 2007 in Tirana, Albania. Helen beat 40 other contestants at the beauty contest. Her tits look like someone cut a cantaloupe in half and shoved them under her skin, those things haven't even set yet! Miss Globe 2007 certainly has fake globes! I personally think Macedonia should have won...she is way hotter than Brazil!

Halloween's Coming!

I think this man may need some help removing his dick from this ginormous pumpkin! I wonder if he mistook the pumpkin for his wife?

Childrens Do Learn?

President Bush makes me feels smart!

Pleasure Party

I went to my first Pleasure Party on Friday and I have to say that it was quite fun! So fun, in fact, that I am hosting my own next month. They have some pretty entertaining products, some are really cheesy or cheap, but most are good quality. I sprayed some pheromone perfume on and supposedly it is supposed to make men go crazy over me, but all it accomplished was getting me humped by my friends three dogs!

The group was a bit mixed and hearing stories of some of the other nasty woman's favorite sex toy...was not cool! I don't really want to picture these woman using these products because it makes them really unappealing. There were a few really "tough" chicks...the kind of chick you would not want to come face to face with in a dark alley...these bitches could have kicked my ass! They were drinking heavily and have been to a ton of these parties and have just about every product available. One woman told everyone that she, "needs a quite vibrator so that her kids don't hear me masturbating in the other room." Oh! Well, maybe she could wait until her kids went to sleep before she abuses her twat with some vibrator that requires a 9 volt battery! Another woman mentioned that her husband likes the Raging Bull vibrator because he can watch football while his wife sits on his dick. Hmmm, that sounds like the kind of sex I want! I think instead of spending all her money on vibrators, she needs to spend some time finding a new man...one that is actually interested in having sex with her! Although, if I was her husband...I wouldn't want my cock anywhere near her scary ass vagina...so I can't really fault him for wanting to watch football. I have been dabbling with the idea of becoming a party consultant as a part-time gig for extra cash, and this is for sure the most entertaining of the choices. I mentioned to the consultant that I thought having an all man Pleasure Party would pull in a lot of cash, but she disagreed with me and said that men would just laugh and giggle about everything and then not buy anything. Well, I still disagree with her "expertise"...I think if you had a Pleasure Party for all men, they would buy ALOT for their wives and girlfriends. I think that having a woman talking about different vibrators, lotions and other toys with a group of men would convince them to buy. What do you guys think? If I hosted a party like this that had all these fun sex toys and accessories would you buy stuff for your girlfriend or wife?

Can you guess which of the 3 items I purchased from the 4 pictures above?

Fucking Freegans!

Freegans are a growing subculture that have opted out of capitalism by cutting spending habits and living off consumer waste...meaning these people fucking pick food out of garbage cans and eat it! Dumpster diving for furniture and bikes is one thing, but eating shit from dumpsters is another. I find this revolting and disgusting!
Madeline Nelson is paving the way for other Freegans by leading "Trash Tours" in New York. Freeganism was born out of environmental justice and anti-globalization movements from the 1980s. The concept was inspired in part by groups like "Food Not Bombs," an international organization that feeds the homeless with surplus food that's often donated by businesses. Madeline Nelson use to make a six-figure income before she quit her job...and now she is eating out of trash bins and making "gourmet" meals from scraps and not spending a cent.

This is NOT something that I would support, but if you want to eat garbage...go for it weirdos! I do think that we are a wasteful society, but I would not go so far as to forage for my meals. I will not be pulling a chair up to the garbage can and having Donovan "hunt" for his food anytime soon. I think Freegans should change their identity to Free-Loaders! Most of them, according to the article I read, live with parents or friends or in abandoned buildings and they don't work (unless absolutely necessary). So, what I am getting from all this is that the Freegan movement is a bunch of hippies that don't want to work for "The Man" so they free load off of friends, family and garbage.

Here's what I think that these fucking Freegans should do...they should work with grocery chains and have them put uncontaminated foods that are still edible, but would be trashed, to the side and have volunteer Freegans pick up the food and bring it to homeless shelters. I agree that tons of satisfactory food is thrown away every day, just because the peach is a bit bruised, doesn't make it inedible. If they would work out a system with the grocers and volunteer their time to picking up the food from the grocery stores instead of waiting till it hits the trash cans, they could salvage a lot more food and make it a lot less work by having to sort out the shit. They could feed loads more people by working WITH grocery stores instead of digging through the fucking trash. My guess is that the average self-proclaimed Freegan is too lazy to try and organize this sort of plan...that would take some actual work!

Fucking Freegans!

No Skanks Allowed!

We have all heard about the fiasco between Southwest Airlines and the skanky dressed Kyla Ebberts, right? The controversy erupted in July after the hoochie mama was asked by an airline employee at San Diego International Airport to change her miniskirt, top and sweater or get off the plane. The hoodrat, a waitress at a Hooters, was allowed to stay on the flight to Tucson after pulling her skirt down a bit and her top up. The skeezer, pictured below, was allegedly wearing this outfit. I don't really see how that outfit was all that bad, she's not even showing cleavage, cooch on the other hand you can probably see plenty of. But honestly, if Southwest is going to ask her to change her outfit then they should ask all the trash to put on clean clothes and all the stink asses to put on deodorant before being allowed to fly. I know I would rather sit next to her trampy ass than some smelly ass BO stankin fat bastard. What I don't get is why someone would WANT to wear that little amount of clothes on the plane...I don't want my vagina even coming close to touching that dirty seat fabric!

She obviously wasn't the classiest girl on the plane, but I am guessing she didn't smell like rotting feces either! I think airlines should implement rules about people that smell. If you smell like a maggot infested taco...you should not be allowed. Having offensive body odor is much worse than looking like a two dollar hooker!

Here's a pictures of Southwest flight attendants uniforms awhile ago...hmmm, does that look similar to the skank's apparel to anyone else? This is the perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black! Southwest shamelessly marketing their airlines by having cute chicks scantily dressed and autographing posters of planes for horny teenage boys! I think that this girl below has less clothes on than Kyla Ebbert did...and she WORKS for Southwest!

My girls and I will be flying Southwest next summer to got to California for a wedding and we are all going to dress like hookers...we want to see if we can get kicked off the plane too! We can get free plane tickets out of it...so I think it's worth it!

Naughty Food!

I made a deal with a friend of Loaf's that I would post pictures of me using a cucumber as a dildo...If I got to see his cucumber first! Well, below is what he sent...and I don't think it counts (still entertaining) but not enough for me!



I hope everyone has a fan-fucking-tastic weekend! I will hopefully get a chance to catch up with everyone...work has been busier than a gang-bang fluffer!

Spunk For Sale!

I found this bottle containing a substance which looks suspiciously like splooge in a gift shop this weekend. Why would I pay nine dollars for baby batter when I can get it at home for free? I wonder how many men had to bust their nut to fill a 12oz bottle?Spunk rocks!

8 Legged Freaks and More!

Lake Tawokoni State Park rangers Mike and Freddie monitor a rare, giant communal spider web at the park near Willis Point, Texas. Why are Mike and Freddie just standing there...they need to get a fucking broom and take the fucker down! Right outside my window at work are a colony of fat juicy spiders...nasty mofo's! They are so damn big...I have no idea how they can live that far up on a high rise. I would not want to be the window washers...I would for sure fall off while frantically screaming and swinging my arms around my head. Spiders that are fat and juicy make my skin crawl!
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One of my new co-workers is straight out of a Renaissance fair. She is creepy but not nearly as scary as creepy doll fucker was. This chick has a hard time with eye contact and kind of sways uncomfortably when your talking to her. She came running up to me on my second day and grabbed my arm and told me, "I have Kleenex!" I said (as nicely as possible), "Okay...good for you...I have Kleenex too!" She then told me that I could use her Kleenex anytime I wanted and I didn't need to even ask her....I could just grab one if I needed it! Wow...fantastic! How nice and weird of her! So, to give you all an idea of what she looks like...take a look at the picture below.





Nice right! Now imagine that girl but subtract about 4 cup sizes from the tits, add about 368 pounds, subtract two feet from the height and then chop of her head and add the face of a retarded mule. That's my new co-worker!
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Since I have so much time on my hands (I wish)....Loaf and I started a new blog dedicated to food and beverages. Food is the next best thing to sex...so why not have a blog about it! Take a look at our food porn at Carnal Cuisine! If you have any pictures of food that you have cooked that looks too good to eat...email them to me and we will post. Or if you have any good recipes that you would like to share...let us know!

Eye Trouble!

Oh....finally I can breathe!

My first day at my new position was great...I love it! I am looking forward to training ending and me being on my own at the job. It will take about three weeks for me to get acclimated...but I am expecting that to go a bit quicker as I am catching on really quickly so far. I will try so hard to keep up with your blogs...but I may be shoddy for a few days! I miss you guys already! You all better miss me back!

A little conversation I had with a homeless man yesterday left me wanting to burn my eyes out. I was outside having a smoke break, talking on the phone to Don when a homeless dude came up and started digging through the ashtray for cigarette butts. I find it appalling that they do that, so I gave him a cigarette and in return he offered me a sip of his beer. His open can of beer! I told him, "No, I don't want any of your beer, thanks!" Don was still on the phone and telling me to, "move away from him." The homeless dude kept trying to shove his beer at me telling me to, "takes a sips miss!"I kept shaking my head, then hung up with Don...that was a mistake. The dude then went on to tell me that, "Ya gotz the mos beuful eyes I eva see." All the while staring me down...HARD! He went on and on about how, "yo eyes are lookin rights in my souls...yos breakin my heart, cuz yo eye be like pierce rights throw me." After I said, "thank you" about 15 times, he started to walk away saying that, "If I's stay looking at yo eyes any longa, I gonna propose to you. Yo breaking my heart, seeing in my soul like that!" I said, "Show me the ring!" Then, I shut my eyes, because I couldn't look at him any longer and walked away looking like a blind chick without her stick! Luckily I didn't embarrass myself by running into a tree, or someone.