My Ink!

Here are my tattoos starting with my most recent.

This is my 3rd tattoo...the Pisces sign for Donovan. I am planning on having all of my children's astrological signs tattooed in a ring around my ankle. Don drew this out for me so it has his touch as well. Please no comments about the hideous wallpaper and ugly couch patter...its the dogs room so it has yet to get a makeover!
My 2nd was the Leo sign...for me! I actually drew this one out...tough I know, but I wanted it a specific way.
This was my 1st tattoo....If you don't know what it is...I am not going to explain it to you. It is really faded, which I just noticed...I forget half the time that I even have this one! I got this when I was 16 and I still totally love it for so many different reasons. It's meaning to me it is not really the traditional definition of what it stands for.

They are all fairly small, because I am to chicken shit conservative to get a huge tattoo, although I would love one! I plan on putting Don's Aries sign on the back of my heel sometime soon!

Tag...I'm It...and I'm Lame!

I have been tagged by Bubble Eyes. Since I don't follow directions I have deleted the list and will invite whoever wants to be tagged to participate(so far Sarah and Yoda have tagged themselves)! I feel honored to be tagged...sometimes I feel like ya'll forget about me!

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Getting my 1st tattoo!

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Getting my 3rd tattoo!

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Cashews...I like my nuts like I like my balls...salty!

2. Nachos.

3. Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies!

4. Spinach and artichoke dip.

5. Guacamole!

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to (I am changing this to album or artist since I am bad with song names):

1. Everything from Metallica's Black album.

2. Barbie Girl by Aqua.

3. Anything from Kelly Clarkson.

4. Anything from Green Day's Dookie album.

5. Gosh, this is hard...I can't think, I am so lame!

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Buy a huge house!

2. Go back to school.

3. Travel around the world.

4. Invest

5. Invest

Five bad habits:

1. OCD about cleaning.

2. Biting my fingernails.

3. Road rage.

4. No censor between mind and mouth.

5. No patience.

Five things you like doing:

1. Spending time with My Boy!

2. Cleaning

3. Going out with Don, Donovan or my pack o' hos.

4. Playing board games with my girls while drinking.

5. Taking showers with Don at night and talking!

Five favorite toys:

1. Anything that aids in my cleaning compulsion.

2. My motorcycle (just kidding...don't have one)!

3. Wow, I don't play much...I really am lame!

4. My blog.

5. Um, Don's dick...does that count!

Weekend In Review

Friday night Don and I went with Sarah and Josue to the movies to see Ocean's 13...such a great movie! I think it is by far the funniest of the three and had me laughing out loud multiple times. You also can't deny the hot cast. Brad Pitt (hottest of the hot), Matt Damon (who usually isn't smoking hot...but really does it for me in the Ocean's movies), George Clooney (who I don't find hot, but I can see how others think so), Don Cheadle (kind of quirky hot), Al Pacino (bad ass hot), Casey Affleck (much hotter than his bro and funny as hell in the movie), Scott Caan (hot b/c he was in Boiler Room with Vin Diesel), Eddie Izzard (nerd hot), Vincent Cassel (foreigner hot), and then of course Ellen Barkin (the Cougar with the uncomfortable cleavage hot). The two hot guys that accompanied us (Don and Josue) wore matching shirts..not planned! This actually worries us a tab because they may be gay lovers...oh, well...I guess that gives Sarah and I permission to get it on too!

Saturday was spent playing with Donovan in the pool and other random boring house up-keep type of shit.

Sunday was Father's Day and we BBQ'ed up some hot dogs and Italian sausage...which I have to say were fantastic...I do love me a good hot wiener! Later Don's brother Jeff came over and we sat and drank on our balcony for a bit. I polished off a bottle of wine in record time and it was good!

In other news:

* Some at home beer brewer is making a pizza beer. There are no pizza chunks in the ale but the brew does include ingredients and an aroma similar to marinara sauce: tomatoes, garlic, basil and oregano. Beer is gross enough as it is...that just sounds disgusting! So, beer drinkers tell me...does this sound good to you???

* Kelly Clarkson announced that she has canceled her entire summer arena tour because of poor ticket sales and I am really bummed...I had three tickets bitch!

Happy Day!

Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day and I wanted to send an encouraging message to all my blog friends!

I don't care if you lick windows,

screw farm animals,

take the short bus,

wear a helmut,

eat dirt,

talk to yourself

or

occasionally shit and piss yourself...

You hang in there sunshines, you're frigging special to me and I love you!

Grapes and Seals!

Don't they have stylists to tell them what not to wear??? It's like a vineyard exploded!

Look how cute these seals are! They have those soulless black hole eyes...but I would hug them anyway!

Fire The Babysitters & Put Me In Traction

I am lucky to have two younger sisters (15 and 17) that are willing to babysit for my son...at no charge. Well, I do buy them alcohol, give them some spending money now and then, and let them drive my car on occasion, so not really "free" but not a charge by the hour kind of deal either. Maggie (15) is the most common babysitter because Emily (17) is lazy as shit and doesn't want to, "chase him and play and stuff" (imagine that said in a whiny, bratty, drone, the world hates me, I am so overworked, what have you done for me lately kind of tone). Maggie has my dad's genes, which basically means she is like a spawn of the devil sent directly from hell to make the world weep and angels die. Donovan and Maggie's relationship is very love-hate. They are either having a grand ole time giggling and being silly or yelling at each other. I have explained to Maggie on several occasions, that she is getting into arguments with a TWO YEAR OLD...he will win every time and you come off looking stupid!

So, twice a week Don goes to work and leaves our precious child in the hands of either the devil spawn or the girl that wouldn't run out of a burning building because she was waiting for the fireman to arrive and carry her to safety. I should say that I do trust my sisters to take care of Donovan and they do a great job with him. That said, my problem with "free" babysitters is that they don't feel obligated to do anything but the basic childcare. Now, I am not asking for a babysitter-maid-dry cleaners in one type of a deal, but a little respect for my house some common decency would be nice. I am a tad bit OCD/anal retentive about cleaning my house...my house is like my temple, and cleaning is my meditation. On my way home from work on Tuesdays and Thursdays (Don's work days) I am always anxious about opening up my front door to see what kind of shit-storm has hit my temple.

All I want is for people to do a few simple things to save my sanity...take off your shoes, put shit back (everything has a home), clean up crumbs from counters and floors when you create them, put food that you are done with either in the trash or back in the fridge, put the little plastic stoppers in the sippy cups, don't leave empty water bottles or cans laying around, turn down radio volume before turning it off, throw dirty diapers in the trash instead of leaving in his room for hours, don't eat all of the cookies I made and just basically, clean up after yourself.

Is that too much to ask???

I know that I don't pay them but I am also not asking them to polish the silver or scrub my undies...I just want them to leave things the way they found them. I was a superb babysitter...paid highly for my services. I would take excellent care of the children and leave the house cleaner then when I got there. So, what that I drank their liquor, used their phone, peeked in their cabinets and had sex on their couch...I took damn good care of those kids and left the house spotless!

So, yesterday I came home to a monstrous mess and I was of course jonesing to clean instantly, but resisted and thought I should start the laundry first. I got all the laundry together and was hauling the basket over the child gate on our back porch stairs, when Donovan decided that it would be fun to throw a ball down the stairs after me, causing me to trip and come so so close to busting my shit. I managed to not end up in traction (a miracle really) and not drop one sock from the basket! If felt as if the world was out to get me yesterday, first my sisters trashing my temple and then my own son trying to kill me.

I survived...by cleansing my temple and throwing the ball back at Donovan's head!

I should also add that I love my sisters dearly, appreciate the fact that they are willing to watch their nephew for free and that I am not being disrespectful and mean, that is just how we are...ask them and they will tell you some wicked things about me!

Damn Papparazzi

These girls got caught in severe flooding in Norhtern Ireland. I know that a good picture can be worth a lot, but can't they help the girls that are clearly crying and scared instead of taking pictures of them???

It's OK George...I Understand!

After hearing about the "Sir" drama with Bush and the Pope, it spurred a discussion between Don and I in the shower last night. Yes, we take showers together nightly...get over it! I have no desire to meet the Pope and kiss his ring...in fact, I wouldn't address him as "holiness" unless there was a gun pointed at my head...maybe not then either!

Disclaimer: If you are a hypersensitive Catholic...don't read on.

That said, I mean no disrespect to the Pope or to Catholics, but I have a thorn in my side about this. I was raised Christian (Protestant) and wouldn't consider myself religious, I consider myself to be a Spiritualist (and no, that is not a cop out to get out of going to Church on Sundays). My feelings about God (I am going to simplify for brevity's sake and leave out other Christian ideas and figures) tend to be a mixture of religions, a hodge-podge if you will of my picking and choosing (convenient I know). I can align myself more with Buddhism, Taoism and Hinduism closer than Christianity (although I do not totally denounce my Christian beliefs and faith) and feel more spiritually connected with those religions. I felt more energy in the Temples in China than I ever felt. Simply put, my belief is that God is an energy that is everywhere and in everything, not a He or She, but an energy. I don't think that I need to prove my faith by going weekly to church, reading the Bible, taking communion and the other rituals of Christianity. I feel that I can be just as close to God as the Pope, or anyone else.

So, I don't really want a religious debate here or anything, but here is my problem with the Pope. I am not huge supporter of Catholicism and the Pope and have some issues there, but whatever, that's me, if your Catholic...good for you, if your happy and it feels right all is well and dandy. I just don't get what the big deal is with the Pope. He wasn't chosen by God, he was chosen by a group of men that had political aspirations at stake. Also, he is treated (at least from my point of view) as an earthly god. What is the deal with kissing his ring and calling him "holiness"...doesn't this go against The Ten Commandments that state: "Thou shalt have no other gods before me" and "Thou shalt not make for thyself an idol." The Pope is also always lavishly dressed and not very "of the people" like Jesus was.

So, now I can't remember half of what we talked about last night or what my point was, but bottom line, I am not a Pope fan and I wouldn't kiss his ring and I will join Bush in calling him sir, but never "holiness." Not out of disrespect...just out of disagreement.

Also, just out of curiosity...does the new Pope inherit the ring that needs to be kissed or do each get to take a trip to Tiffany's to pick one out? And do they all use the same wheelchair...like the Pope Mobile???

Tribute To Sperm

It’s a lot more fun to become a father than to be one!

Happy Father's Day!

I am amazed by the human bodies ability to reproduce, a miracle really,

and this is my tribute to the awe inspiring sperm,

which help to make miracles possible!

Sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and super specialization. Sperm are extremely compact, and when sent into the forbidding environment of the female reproductive tract, they will learn on the job and change their search strategies and swim strokes as needed! Sperm are also fast and as cute as tadpoles. They have chubby teardrop heads and stylish, tapering tails, and they glide, slither, bumble and do figure-eights. A dad, from puberty onward, is pretty much a nonstop sperm bakery. In each ejaculation you can find around 150 million sperm! But out of those 150 million, only about 15% are "perfect" for baby making. Some have pinheads, others have two heads, some lack tails, a third don’t move at all.

The model sperm has three basic body segments. The head, which is a super condensed tangle of 23 chromosomes. At the tip of the sperm head is the acrosome, a specialized sack of enzymes that help the sperm penetrate through the barrier of ancillary cells and connective tissue that surrounds the ripe, ready egg. Below the head is the mid piece, which is packed with the tiny engines called mitochondria that lend the sperm its motility, and below the mid piece is the tail, a bundle of 11 entwined filaments that thrashes and propels a sperm forward.

Sperm do not really hit their stride until they are deposited in the female reproductive tract, at which point chemical signals from the vaginal and cervical mucus seem to spark them to life. They at first swim straight ahead, torpedo-style like they are 18 and off to college! If an egg has burst from its ovarian follicle and been plucked by a fallopian tube, sperm can sense its signature scent. The sperm become hyperactive, switching to a crazed figure-eight motion ideal for busting through barriers. The ovum eggs them on, signaling some to play the sacrificial kamikaze and explode their enzyme sacks prematurely, loosening the corridor for other, shapelier sperm to pass through intact. A few dozen fine-figured sperm find their way to the final barrier, the egg’s plasma membrane, where they waggle with all their crazy-eight might and beg to be chosen — but only one will be taken!

Happy Father's Day to all the great sperm that made it through and to those sperm that gave their lives for the cause!

Pink Awesomeness!

Scientists discover 24 new species of wildlife in the remote plateaus of eastern Suriname, including this frog with fluorescent purple markings. I so want one...he matches my blog!

The Sun Hates Me

I had a very busy weekend!

Friday:

I Met my hoe's downtown for some fun in the Windy City! We met at 10 Pin and bowled and drank and ate like the alley was ours! I was quite excited to come in 2nd place our first game, but a little sad because after the 3 martinis I came in last place the second round of bowling! My girl Ashley won both games...shocking!

We decided that the night was still young and we headed over to Rock Bottom Brewery (which I will now be boycotting) for some more drinks...and left with a bad buzz. Now, if you were a server with a dong, and had 5 hot and sexy, slightly intoxicated girls sat in your section, wouldn't you lay it on a bit thick for an increased tip??? Well, apparently our server was not schooled properly on how to provide ANY sort of customer service and was a complete dick the whole time. I went out for a smoke with one of my girls and we came back into the restaurant to a scene in the making. The other two hoes, Sarah and Jeanette, who are a bit, how do I say this nicely...um, non-confrontational...and they were hiding in the corner as the other hoe, Ashley, this girl got some balls...big balls...was speaking with the manager. Apparently while I was outside, the dick decided it would be a good idea to mockingly clap his hands in their faces when they asked for the check to be split. Dick! I think it all ended fairly well, it was best that Ashley and I didn't tag team the manager as I am sure the night would have then ended with us in the slammer with Paris!

After the incident, we went back to Sarah's casa and drank on her super cool patio. Her fiance tried to start a fire in the fire pit by spanking his wood really hard!

Saturday:

I worked the FoPo Summer Fest table with my old boss (technically still boss since I work the occasional Saturday) and had a great time. Despite the fact that the sun burnt my ass like I was a piece of bread stuck in the toaster...it was a jolly time. My boss wore the most inappropriate outfit which caused sleazy men to saunter over to the education table and demand balloons. I ate some fantastic steak tacos and had some really good ice cream! After that, I went home and cried because I couldn't move my arms!

Sunday:

Had a busy day at home! D and I went to Home Depot for some plants after lunch. We came home gave the dogs a bath, cut their nails and gave them some much needed love and attention! For dinner we went to Bar Louie and enjoyed my favorite dish, Spicy Chicken Nachos! Came home did more laundry and took a very long walk to Starbucks! Caught some lightning bugs (did not kill them by the way) and went to bed! I love spending Sundays with my boys!

I hope everyone had a great weekend as well!

I Want My Mommy!

Good article from The Swamp! I am done with Paris, I just can't spend any more time on her. I need to move on and get over it!

Daddy Needs A Raise!

Destructo D strikes again!

The joys of having a toddler are so amazing and I would do it again in a heartbeat...but the pains of having a terrible two year old is crushing! Something to look forward to Captain!

Below is the most recent attack by Destructo D that has left our home ravaged and quickly depreciating in value! While Don was taking a shower this morning, Destructo had a plan all worked out...he decided to break down the child gate and invite himself into the computer/dogs room.
Pictured above is a scattered 20lb. bag of Purina Dog Chow and a few Disney movies! Thank the sweet lord he didn't hit the whole 200+ DVD rack...that would have been a nightmare!
Here is our really nice flat screen plasma computer monitor that has been artistically decorated in PERMANENT marker! Nice! Destructo D is going to be one of those punk graffiti artists who deface property...I just know it! His tag will appropriately be Destructo D and won't I be so proud!
Destructo hits again with the marker (did I mention it is PERMANENT marker) and decides to deface...himself...again! I think I may need to get him some therapy, he obviously has self-esteem/body image issues (that picture was taken during his "chunky" period! More graffiti on our bathroom door. Lovely!

Destructo D also managed to tag the computer keyboard, doorknob, floor, the nice newly painted living room walls, the computer room walls, more pictures, the dogs, his hands, legs, face and feet!

Daddy is now demanding a raise!

Weather Malfunctions!

I have a serious problem! Well, not serious really. There are worse things!

I have no clue how to dress with the weather in Chicago. I don't listen or watch anything about the weather and I am getting shafted because of it. When I didn't work in Chicago, it didn't matter what I wore because I lived like 6 blocks away and it just wasn't a big deal. Now, that I work in Chicago it is something I should probably start thinking about.

Today, for example, I wore a skirt...it is windy, like tornado windy...and I am giving peep shows every 45 seconds! The other day it was raining and I wore a white shirt so it was more like a wet t-shirt contest than professional dress! I wear all black on days that are 90 degrees and climbing. Then the next day I wear a sleeveless shirt and it's like 40 degrees out. I never have an umbrella, a jacket or a sweater. I refuse to pack extra clothes, just in case...or to even wear a jacket if it's not necessity (I hate coats and jackets). I don't think that watching or listening to the weather is going to help either, because they are dead wrong most days.

So, how is it that I am the only one in Chicago who is never prepared for the weather? Does everyone else have some sort of weather radar that tells them what to wear and bring each day?

Boner Issues!

Christopher Woods has sued the maker of the health drink Boost Plus, claiming the vitamin-enriched beverage gave him an erection that would not subside and caused him to be hospitalized. He bought the beverage, drank it and then the next morning he woke up "with an erection that would not subside" and sought treatment that day for the condition, called priapism. He underwent surgery for implantation of a Winter shunt, which moves blood from one area to another. Woods later had problems that required a hospital visit and penile artery embolization, a way of closing blood vessels.

Does anyone else find if hilarious that his last name is Woods??? Oh, I am dying here, really that is funny shit! If he drank the beverage at night and then woke up with a woody (he he he) how are they sure that it is from the Boost Plus? I would love love love to be a juror in that case, although I would probably be held in contempt of court because of my uncontrolled laughter roaring through the court room!

Less Dog Shit On My Shoes!

A German police boat (top) runs over Greenpeace activists (bottom) in their inflatable boat offshore the G-8 summit. The activists tried to enter the security zone...dumb fuckers. I abhor Greenpeace and this just made my day...actually helped to scrap some of the shit off my shoes!

I Stepped In Dog Shit!

My mood lately as been very much like stepping in dog shit. I would not consider myself "depressed", but rather just the feeling you get when you step in a heaping, steamy pile of dog dung! Like nothing is going right, but nothing is really going wrong either, but you still can't avoid that pile. It's a funk that I can't seem to get out from under lately, and I can't exactly pinpoint the cause(s) because there really isn't anything causing it. I don't know how to explain it, but I am sick of stepping in dog shit and having the lingering smell follow me everywhere.

So now that I got that off my chest, let's move on with other randomness!

I am really super excited for tomorrow night! The girls (Sarah/Ashley/Jeanette) and I are going to 10 Pin a super fun bowling, eating, drinking place. Your table is right on the lane so you can eat and drink while bowling. It kind of makes bowling not so white trash.

In Barcelona's Ramblas area, members of the Anima Naturalis movement lie in mock coffins to protest the torture and death of bulls at bullfights. Why are they laying there in their underpants??? Does that help save the bulls or does it just draw more perverts to their cause???

Just a cool peaceful picture of fish!

Paris Hilton was released from jail early today because of an unspecified medical problem and will fulfill the remainder of her sentence for probation violation in home confinement with an ankle bracelet. I wonder what her "medical" condition was??? Any guesses? I bet she was sick of not being able to do what she wanted!This tree in Rosemont, Illinois is causing a stir, it is said that the pattern in the bark resembles the late mayor Don Stephens. Ok, I don't see shit...I guess it would help if I new who Don Stephens was and what he looked like!

My New Mission!

Here's a disturbing piece of news...Police are looking for the guardians/parents of a toddler left in a stroller outside a convenience store. The boy, about 1½ years old was found by Ali Hamdan, the store's manager, who said he saw a woman talking on a cell phone and standing next to a stroller on the sidewalk outside the store. He said he heard her say, "If you don't come, I'll leave." When he looked again, the woman was gone, and the boy sat alone. Hamdan wheeled the boy inside, where Hamdan washed out the boy's empty bottle and gave him juice and cheese and crackers. When 20 minutes had passed with no sign of the boy's caretaker, Hamdan called police. Hamdan said the boy didn't cry inside the store, and seemed happy to drink the juice. "I'm the grandfather of 13, and I want that baby's mother to come back," Hamdan said. "He needs love, he needs to be in his mom's arms."

In my opinion that child will NOT be better off in his mother's arms, but with an adoptive family that would love him and not leave in at a convenience store! That poor boy was happy to drink the juice because he probably gets feed root beer and rib tips every day! How can a person leave a baby like that? It makes me sick, angry and sad!

I think I need to stop reading the paper, because all it does is make me angry and upset about people and the shit that goes on. It just makes me want to make it my personal responsibility/mission to torture and kill these pathetic wastes of flesh....kind of like a movie character...I could be the angel of death...or I could be the "Deliverer Of Hell to Fucktards Everywhere!" Can anyone think of any other names for my new profession...I will have my spandex suit made shortly! I am also recruiting a side-kick...anyone interested???

What Happened Here?

Daryl Hannah shows her hand covered with oil in Ecuador's oil region in the Amazon. She visited Ecuador's oil region where locals are demanding oil company Chevron Texaco pay for damages they claim have been caused to the environment. Wow, is that really a chick? Wasn't she considered to be like super hot a few years back???

Oh, Paula...first you do a TV broadcast drunk, now your deformed boobs are hanging out...what's next??? Eating your boogers while judging the "talent" on American Idol?
Demonstrators break through a fence in a field to get near the venue of the Group of Eight economic summit in Germany. Aren't they a scary group...if I was part of the military that is protecting the G8, I would be shitting my pants right now! Are they actually proud of themselves for knocking down some poor farmers flimsy gate???

Throw Down!

I read this Article and this Article and it pissed me off beyond belief, not the article, the situation. I am glad that finally some schools are doing something to control ignorance at graduations.

I experienced this 1st hand at both of my sisters 8th grade graduations. I live in a very diverse community so you can find just about every possible race imaginable around our area. I am not a racist, but sure, I have prejudices just like everyone else (don't lie and say you don't). At both graduations, during the roll call of graduates, there was obnoxious outbursts, whooping, hooting and hollering when a certain child's name was said. Now, before they begin announcing the graduates, the announcer tells you specifically to hold your applause to the end so that EVERY name can be heard! I find it so fucking ignorant to not only show complete disrespect to other graduates and their families by whooping loudly so that others names can't be heard, but to not even listen to the speakers directions. How fucking obnoxious! I was so angry during both of my sisters graduations and it kind of ruined a very special moment.

This one school "made students and parents sign a contract promising they would remain silent or the students wouldn't receive their diplomas." Seriously, you should NEVER have to sign a contract spelling that out and the fact that this has been established is a pathetic show of the ignorance in our society. I am pissed off at the fact that people are saying that, "it is more about race than etiquette." Shut the fuck up and put your race card back in your fucking pocket! You cannot eliminate the fact that the primary race that is this obnoxious at graduations is black! This statement is a generalization and of course other races participate in this ignorant behavior, but you cannot hide the fact of majority rules.

So all of a sudden it is racist to think that you should be respectful at a graduation!

Give me a fucking break! Graduation is an emotional event for families, but you can shoot off guns and whoop and celebrate at home when it doesn't drown out the names of other graduates. It is important that every graduates name be heard and that obnoxious cunt families don't disrespect that! The only reason this is becoming a racial issues is because some races need to make everything into a racial issue, maybe if they hung up the race baiter bullshit for once we could end all this entitlement crap and finally move the fuck on!

I don't think that the students should be punished because they are in a family full of ignorant disrespectful dick hole cunt rags - but really, what other solution is there? I don't care if you all think I am a racist bitch, this shit is just fucked up!

Leave race out of it and be respectful at graduations - it's that simple! FUCK!

Chicago Olympic Logo

Chicago is in the running for hosting the 2016 Olympics...I don't really want to have it here because of all the mess, but whatever. I am super proud of the proposed logo...I think it is quite great! I posted this because of James and his post of the London 2012 Olympic Logo. Chicago is known for its captivating skyline and I think this is one of the most creative and representative logos of the host city...could just be my view because I am a Chicagoan!

Caption Contest!

Okay...So I am totally copying this "Caption Contest" thing from like 50 other bloggers, but I can't resist! Also, sports seem to be a popular topic as of late, so here is my contribution! I have been working hard today, so blog friends, please make me laugh my ass off!

No Time! Just Curious!

I don't have much time to blog today...busy as a beaver!

Just Curious...does anyone know who these people are??? They attended the MTV Awards and I haven't a clue!

V-A-G-I-N-A

Intense competition???

Matthew Evans of New Mexico celebrates (with a spelling boner, better not move his sign) during the sixth round of the Scripps 2007 Spelling Bee in Washington.

Round Seven:

Spell VAGINA.

I sure hope he can spell vagina because he certainly will never see one!

Crazy Magnet!

Here is a tip for those of you riding public transportation...Do not, under any circumstance, read a book that remotely hints at something religious! The BAMF's are reading Eat Pray Love, which I started reading this morning on my way to work. I read on the train every morning, it gives me something to do, helps me not stare at the lepers, and prevents people from trying to talk to me (at least that's the understanding). Now, of course there are the crazies and the homeless on the train, but it is the Bible banging God thumpers that are the ones that scare the living hell out of me. Here's why!

The crazies will just masturbate, pee, talk to themselves, lick the windows, pick their nose and are generally in mild-moderate schizophrenic states, but they are for the most part harmless and fairly pre-occupied with their imaginary friends too much to bother you.

The homeless will go train car to train car announcing that they need money for food. After no one makes eye contact for about 3 minutes and they have filled their quota of asking at least 5-7 times, they move on. Not too inconvenient to passengers, except for the smell of rotting ass that trails behind them.

Now to the Bible Bangers! They are freaks, not like peace and love Jesus freaks, but 100% unadulterated, need to be committed, tied down and exorcised psychopaths! By the way, does anyone know where I can obtain Holy Water??? They tend to walk up and down the train car preaching to the masses about redemption, the devil (very popular), saving your soul and all sorts of crazy doom's day, every one's going to burn in hell, the devil is in you, kind of shit. They are relentless and get right up in your face and don't let up no matter what you say to them. It makes me so fucking angry...that is so not how Jesus did it! It literally makes me want to spit in their face...leave me the fuck alone, I do NOT want to buy your damn book mark!!! So, back to today...here's what went down:

Setting:

Me: Sitting quietly reading my book in the corner closest to the air conditioning and the conductor.

BBW aka Bible Banging Weirdo: Standing quietly by the doors and sees that the seat next to me has opened up and decides to pop a squat next to me. She rubs her fat thighs against mine with the body heat of a 500 pound woman emanating through her clothes.

Conversation:

BBW: Whatcha redin?

Me: (Holds up book in response...thinking that if she asked, hopefully she can read the cover.)

BBW: Eat??? Pray??? Oh, girrrrrrllllll, your soulz is gonz be gets to heaven!

Me: (Closes eyes, starts to pray that I am the schizo and she will disappear when I open my eyes up again, she is just a figment of my imagination!) Uhhhhhh, okay! (No such luck...still there...FUCK!)

BBW: Whatch likes to eat?

Me: flteysa ads adsfi jids fuk aadsfa cu jk

BBW: What???

Me: I would really like to read my book now.

BBW: Oh, waz it bout?

Me: (Holds up book and points at page number 8 to show her I just started) Just started, would like to find out!

BBW: I gots me a book I gonna reads now too.

Me: Great! (Fucking finally, shit!)

BBW: You wanz trade? (As she pulls out some 36 point font illustrated religious book)

Me: Nope (Oh, fuck, now I am going to have to spit on her)

BBW: Do yaz thinks me gonna go heaven?

Me: NOPE! (Gets up, walks to door, exits train at Western...would rather deal with gang-bangers and guns right now than crazy lady...pray pray pray...she doesn't get off with me!)

FYI: She was NOT retarded!

WHY GOD, WHY??? Why me, why single me out with the nut jobs? Why test my patience and ability to control my tongue/actions??? Why do I have a sign on my forehead that says "Fucked Up People - Approach Me!!!" Why, God, Why???

Moral of the story, don't read anything even remotely religious on public transportation! I will keep this book for at home reading from now on and bring books like, "Don't Touch Me...I Have Crabs!"

In unrelated news,

please help me welcome new blogger

Ashley

to blogworld!